DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

I've explained why we viewed a house. I've explained that I didn't know we were viewing houses.

Why aren't you telling him to leave?

I don't want to hurt him or be the reason he has to leave his kids purely because I don't want to move.

Also terrified of confrontation from previous ex and don't want any more holes in walls.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

I've said repeatedly before viewing I didn't want to move. Said the house was nice but was on the fence. Asked him not to up his offer before we had spoken. Told him every time he's mentioned it that I don't want to move.

Apparently if we move he will cover all bills and I'll cover food from the child benefit and DS' DLA. If I need money I can ask him for it.

🚩 🚩 🚩 This has got Red flags all over it. Be very very careful... trust your instincts-you talk about sinking feelings of dread? You have a stable position now and this move would change absolutely everything

I don't see why you're even bothering to look into whether the schools have places as that makes it sound like you are planning to go. Just tell him to leave today and he can be gone completely along with all his stuff from your home by the weekend.

We relocated from East Anglia to the NW, but we were both very much on board and did so much homework before moving the kids.

You need to sit down and tell him it isn't happening and why. It needs to be the right time for the kids, we had two at the time and the move happened mid term which wasn't brilliant, and they were Y1 and Y5 when we moved.
I can see his point though, if he isn't happy and wants to be a home owner. Perhaps a compromise and a move at a better stage for the kids

So in other words he's bullying you to move and thinks that now hes bought a house you won't say no because you will feel you can't say no to him?

He's then using the kids against you, threatening you that he will not leave them but he's going anyway?

As a matter of interest, why is it you are not married? Why if you have been together for 13 years and have 3 kids are your finances still separate?

Cos what I'm seeing here is certainly not a happy relationship of equals. Indeed there's red flags that are springing up here and making me wonder if there is a controlling tone here. He wants to remove your family support network and financial independence - thats not good - it means you would be unable to leave him and go back to where you currently are if things didn't work out.

The fact he has decided and thinks that he doesn't have to have a conversation about this and the word compromise isn't on his list is a massive red flag. And for that reason alone - regardless of whether you like the house or not - I would go. He has his life plan and you and the kids are expected to follow in without thinking about what your life ambitions and considerations are.

The answer here is no. Not "no, oh ok maybe if I have to". You've said it yourself. Its now up to him what he does and for you to work out what happens when he decides to fuck off.

This sounds a lot like a way for him to blame you for the break up of the relationship and for him to make out you are the bad guy, when all he wants to do is "follow his dreams". I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't someone else tbh.

You are not bothered about him from what you've said. You are more bothered about your financial and social stability. There's no sense of "how can I live without him". That should tell you a lot. You can take the relationship or leave it - indeed is he testing this, so he can run off with someone else guilt free?

If he stays with you after this, he will resent you and take out his unhappiness being somewhere he doesn't like on you and the kids. He will have the attitude of why should you be happy if he isn't?

Just end the relationship. The whole situation is a deal breaker and I think deep down you know this, you just don't want to face up to the reality of it.

OMG OP this is completely unfair. You’ve moved out of Shitsville and are in suburban stability and now your “D” H is looking to completely uproot that for TinyTown, Nowhere?

And you have a kid with SN?

Fucking hell

Your husband needs his head testing. I’m sorry I’ve nothing constructive to add but YANNNNNNNNNNNNNBU

To be honest, it sounds like you need to split. Whether he moves up there alone or finds somewhere near to where you are is up to him. Either way, to me, it sounds like this relationship is over.

You don't just jump into buying a house when one partner has said to wait until you've had a discussion first. He clearly hasn't given much thought to the children either -they may well settle in a new location but he is expecting them to move from their friends/family/schools in just a few weeks

Your current place is in your name only and from your posts, it sounds like you are not married and have separate finances. He has no right to just stay. If you want him to go, tell him to go. Get help if necessary.

OP, the fact that you have had abusive partners in the past may indicate that you have inadvertently acquired another one. Be careful how you proceed, this may all be part of a wider picture of getting exactly where he wants you in order to control you. Possible financially abused and miles away from support. At the very least you are being railroaded into a major life decision for you and your children.

He's got potential to put holes in walls, lies and manipulated, tries to force you 3 hours away into a situation where you have zero financial autonomy.....but you don't want to hurt his feelings?

You have some serious communication issues in your relationship. That’s just a ridiculous situation to be in. I’d be rethinking the relationship I’m afraid.

Still don't get it. Even if you didn't know you were going for viewing, when he said he booked the viewing, you could have refused. And agreed house was nice. Didn't say don't make a offer, just said don't up the offer when first offer was rejected. I think you are giving him mixed messages rather than pure "no."

I'm sorry to use this phrase, but is this the hill you want to die on? Because if he wants to move and you don't, there is no way to compromise on that.

If I need money I can ask him for it.

You've said things that lead me to believe he's a manipulative twat. He's obviously 'my way or the highway'. Would you really want to put yourself under the financial control of a man like that?

Well, you're obviously not telling him strongly enough. 'We are not moving. We're not moving. Not ever. If you want to move, go, we're splitting up.' The end.

So you can survive without him financially.
Presumable your dc have school places already. You are settled where you are you have a support network where you are.
I think in this case No is a complete sentence. No we are not going.
Don't start looking into schools and such as that will make him think you can be persuaded. Just sit him down so you are both on the same page and tell him you and the dc won't be going.

Buying a house isn't the be all and end all. It can be an investment it can also be a bloody large debt.

I agree about red flags. You aren't married so will have no claim on the house if he puts it in his name, in fact you may be asked to sign a legal document waiving any claim before he gets a mortgage on it. If you have problems in your relationship you could be left homeless.

Its neither reasonable nor kind for him to assume you'll leave your home on his say so.

Apparently if we move he will cover all bills and I'll cover food from the child benefit and DS' DLA. If I need money I can ask him for

No no no! It’s one thing having separate finances, so yes if he wants to buy a house with his money, fine. However, uprooting you all to go and live in it, then Making you financially dependent on him, away from your friends and family, not fine at all.

He showed his hand when he said he’d move there alone, ending your relationship and you didn’t cave. So he’s had to back track and just carry on pretending you’re all moving.

Just be firm. You’re not moving, the kids aren’t moving. He is a grown adult and can make his own choice to move if he so wishes. He can then organise travel to come and visit/collect his children on his days. You’ll be fine as a lone parent if it comes to that.

Please get some help if you’re still having suicidal thoughts, but do know that this isn’t the only way out. You have a lot of options that are less damaging to your DCs as well as yourself. The main one being - stay the fuck put and tell your ‘D’P that he doesn’t get to control your life. I have a feeling you will feel mentally 100% better without him around

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

I don't want to hurt him or be the reason he has to leave his kids purely because I don't want to move.

Also terrified of confrontation from previous ex and don't want any more holes in walls.

There it is.

You don't want to be the bad guy and he knows this so he uses this to bully you and let him get his own way. Everytime.

And you fall for it, cos you are too scared to have that confrontation and ultimately a conversation about ending the relationship.

If you let it drag on, the situation won't improve and things are likely to get a lot worse anyway.

Don't go. End it. Its over and not a happy equal relationship for either of you. Don't stay together for the sake of it.

What does he plan to do about his job? He is presumably going to have to go into the office reasonably regularly, and with a commute of at least 3 hours each way that's not very practical.

He punches holes in the wall?

Ok you need to end it, encourage him to move away, far far far away from you...

Speak to woman's aid, rights of women, the police it sounds like you will support to end it.

Tell him to go live with his Mum!

If it's a sole tenancy I believe legally you can have him removed.

You should have made it absolutely clear from the start you were not going to move. Now because you've have gone along eith it you're in this difficult situation. I can't blame him for wanting a permanent place to call him. If the tenancy to your current house is in your name only he can be asked to leave any time.

Leaving aside the obvious issues of the way he has handled this, could you do long distance? If your finances are separate and you can manage your rented house alone, he could go and you and the kids could go for weekends and holidays? He sounds like the sound of bloke you could live with a break from

Tbh having read this I wouldn't want to live there either
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