How does this text make you judge my recently ended relationship?

[swervedmrnasty]

Dear Swerved

It is important for me that you know the effects you had on my self esteem during our relationship

1. Kissing a squaddie in a bar and getting an ex boyfriend undressed when staying at his place while I was looking after my grieving kids in 2017

1. Going to the pub in 2018 with no knickers on whilst I was working 400m away, getting chatted up by an ex con and coming home with their number

1. Calling me a ‘cunt’ last Christmas in front of all the children

1. Calling me a ‘cunt’ after the skiing holiday

That accumulation is when I eventually gave up on us: I hope you learn something from me pointing this out.

Regards

Mr Nasty (or is he.... hence AIBU?)

@PotholeParadise that's precisely the point

How does he expand this story to others to become a victim.

I reiterate no kissing - just letting him know how my evening happened - complete honesty - I'm fucking middle aged, fat and frumpy and find it funny a 19 year old soldier from the local barracks is so desperate I might seem fair game....

My childhood family friend had sick on him and passed out so I put him to bed the silly old sod

Did you go and meet your brother with no knickers on? Erm, no, I got an email, hurried out the bath on a hot day, threw a long dress on and tried to make my mundane task as quick as possible. I got held up drinking a half and then this dude tried to make me stay longer but I didn't. I'm old enough to be his mother.

Anecdotes not baiting.

How did he come to know that you went to the pub without knickers on? I thought he was 400 miles away?

Oh honestly. Hes a drama llama and no good for you. But you shouldn't have called him a cunt. You are both better apart. Block and move on

Difficult with the mutual friends/small town situation. Can you unblock him to say Stop gossip spreading amongst our friends or I won't bother keeping your weed habit secret? And then re block.

No idea if that's a good idea. I'm not a relationship expert at all. Option b) hold your head up high and don't let any of it get to you. He wants a reaction.

Be nice to yourself, it will get better in time.

Meters.

My brother lives near his work place.

It's a small town. And he didn't know. He got home and got horny realising I had no pants on. Fine.
After gardening and aching - bath at 4pm. Brother 5-6 pm. Dickhead home 7pm. To a nice meal and tidy house. Not for one moment did I consider my clothes on a 25 degree summer day whilst rushing to get everything and everyone fed and happy.

@smileyclare
Repeats request of going to pub

See I'm wondering if when he blathers to others will they believe Seems plausible from first round of replies!

He is not blathering to others is he? This is aimed at you as he perceives you have done all this. I would be feeling pretty crap about myself if there is any truth to his points.

This is an odd thread as is your comment and doubtful that you are genuine OP

How does he expand this story to others to become a victim.

Well, if he wants to up the ante in person, he would need more adverbs, more details, and to make it into a cohesive narrative. The text reads like a someone was trying to prepare a witness statement for a court about an incident they'd been involved with up to their neck, without accidentally incriminating themselves.

That text didn't make him seem any more trustworthy than you.

I mean, he sounds like a shithead, but you've put this in a weird format - which in AIBU isn't going to garner you much sympathy.

You're only three months out so I can see why you still need to talk about this and pick apart why he is so crap - maybe give yourself another month or two of this, and by the time you are at 6 months you need to start moving towards indifference.

My ex would tell all and sundry about how terrible I am - how I didn't out effort into the relationship, was selfish, his (unfounded) suspicions about me cheating, I was mentally ill, etc etc - but once I really started concentrating on what I though of myself, rather than what he is telling others about you, you will be a lot happier.

Just read your updates OP. From what you say, you know he is talking bollocks and I am sure any mutual friends would too. You have done the right thing to block and more on

I get it. I do. This being AIBU, a number of posters will be invested in not getting it so they can be properly scandalised.

These are all things that you did, sort of, but when described in a certain way - presumably the way ex sees it - they sound a whole lot worse. My XH was a master at that.

I came home from work one time on a hot day, my tights had split so I felt horribly uncomfortable, I'd undone just one button on my polo shirt (informal office wear! But it was quite a smart one!). He picked me up at the station with three of the DC and told me we had to go and fetch the 4th from some activity instead of going home (argh), and then just sat at the wheel with this absolutely filthy expression. Turned out that apparently when you're hot, bothered and limping a little with chafed thighs there is Only One Explanation. Women only get hot and bothered when they have been having rough sex. And an undone top button (through which you could just about detect a glimpse of collar-bone) pretty much clinched it. Tosser.

When we were getting divorced my solicitor recommended I try and sort the debt position out first. We went to the CAB for some advice. On the way out XH told the CAB man "I didn't want the divorce, but it's my wife, she likes these young men you see". CAB man didn't know where to look. (We didn't get the debt sorted out. XH wouldn't agree to a mortgage because he said I would deliberately default on it.)

Then during the first hearing in court XH's solicitor came into the room to negotiate with my solicitor, took one look at me and said in sceptical tones, "This is the woman with 200 lovers?" "Chance would be a fine thing," I responded with spirit. My solicitor said hastily "My client did not just say that."

Point being, anyone who actually knew me or even looked at me knew this was utter rubbish, but it seems my husband of 25 years and father of my 4 children did not know me at all.

He passed me over his bundle of "evidence" one time so I could see the information he had been collecting on me since even before we got married: old envelopes and bits of notebook he'd scribbled on whenever he thought I'd said or done something particularly heinous. It made my head spin. I put it down and wandered off to do something else, then apparently it disappeared and of course I must have destroyed it so he couldn't use it in court. Believe me, I'd have loved him to try...

Oh, where were we? Yes, your ex, not mine. Frankly I'd have ditched him for the weed stunt alone. You are so well rid.

@Mothership4two

This is exactly why I'm upset. It's accusatory.

I'm supposed to reply to him to put across my side (I have shown my side here - I didn't mean to drip, dripping is just the nature of replying and answering on MN)

I got chatted up twice in a two year period on two unrelated occasions.

I didn't respond. I didn't kiss. I didn't fuck. I didn't give them my number. I extricated myself quietly yet politely.

I'm accused. It's really upset me though even here I'm trying to smudge it with humour. Without humour, it's soul destroying and debasing of my personality.

There was a bloke who made a thread in aibu about how he knew his girlfriend had cheated because she'd had her (female) friend and friend's husband over earlier in the day and then she changed the sheets before bed.

The horrors. Changing the sheets is absolutely proof you've had a frenetic threesome. /sarcasm

OP, you have to ignore it. It is a deliberately provocative message. He's trying to make you send a shouty text in all caps justifying why you called him a cunt and putting your side of the story.

Of course you feel angry. Everyone hates being misrepresented. But reacting to it won't make him take it back or admit he is being unfair.

@Anniegetyourgun
You dear woman - you get it.

My empathy. I'm a smart woman I like to think but how I got taken in by this shit and how I have given it a whole 20 hours of my time.....

I am truly grateful to all of your opinions - AIBU is indeed a hot nest of vipers but there's a good mix of people and opinion and that helps me see more sides that my own.

I'm going to change back to my other MN name now, if you post, I am reading.

I immediately blocked. I won't reply. I will be strong. Thank you. I really needed this blah blah save myself explanations tonight. I'm so glad I did it with you lot than open up to his shit.

💜

Don't give him that power OP. I know easier said than done. You know the truth and you know it's unfair and inaccurate. Anything you say will be twisted again. Moving on is the right call.

Ignore. He has sent it to get a reaction, to ignore his own shortcomings, to persuade himself he is the victim and to get you to text back. The very best reaction would be no reply whatsoever in any format - that will drive him crazier, believe me as indifference/not knowing if you got it/not eliciting a response renders him powerless and no longer a consideration in your life.

@PotholeParadise
Will you come to the pub with @smileyclare and @Anniegetyourgun and me?

Thanks ladies

I'm supposed to reply to him to put across my side Why would you rely on him for that? Who are you so scared he'll say this to? The way you're coming across is like you're frightened of being found out about something.

We can't control what anyone, including ex's say about us. My ex told our whole friendship circle totally made up things about me after he'd raped me over the entirity of our relationship then nearly killed me when I fought back after he hit me with a wooden slat off the bed. We lived in a flat so some friends heard exactly what he did and one saw me as I was on the ambulance stretcher after I was beaten to within an inch of my life and thrown down the stairs. They still sided with him that I'd cheated and that I was a "psycho" for calling the police. I never cheated, never would to anyone, did call the police though after that attack.

I just cut them all out of my life. Blocked on everything and moved out of the flat. True friends wouldn't believe him over me.

Pay it no attention. You know the truth, forget him.

You've got an excuse for everything.

The thing is there is truth in each of them, maybe he is telling you his 'truth'. There are 3 sides to every story, yours, his and what actually happened. Calling him a cunt in front of his kids? I've seen women get a proper kicking on here if her partner says something nowhere near as bad to her kids. But as a woman it's ok?

I do think you are as bad as each other, and the relationship sounds completely toxic.

Jesus there are some abusive arseholes out there. I think unless you've had a taste of something like that, people don't quite grasp the mind games, the second guessing yourself and also the highs of the relationship when he could be the perfect man. It's quite chilling.

I think it's important to remember that it's not your fault. Flowers for everyone

I'm only coming to the pub if you wear underwear! I'm not spending the night worrying about What the Paramedics Will Think if you're in an accident.

Also, you might catch a chill.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs I’d just laugh at anyone trying to patronise me into ‘learning’ from them.

I'll come to the pub, not too worried about knickers.

On a serious note, you know you've escaped an abusive relationship right Op? That takes guts so be proud of that. I think potholes getting the first round to celebrate.