To be fuming at colleague talking to me like he is my manager?

[Maria53]

I am a project manager in my late 20s. The male colleague in question is late 30s to early 40s I would say. He is a web developer and I oversee the overall projects. My line manager is happy with the way this project is progressing and I have to all in hand.

Well today this developer started saying things 'you need to push the client to get X information because David says the project has to be completed by X date'. David has only said as much because I set that deadline! And I have already done everything he says I 'need' to do.

He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him. He even asked 'have you done X yet?' about something which is NONE of his business and a line of questioning I expect from my manager only.

Basically I am perfectly capable with what I am doing and am not willing to be undermined in this way. Any tips?

You're right, it is hugely hard wfh as a PM as you can't read people in the same way that you could in the office. Also sounds as if your senior management is not hugely supportive.
It's good that you've recognised that you need some time off and are taking it - hopefully will encourage others to do the same.

It's a stressful job, but don't take the entire burden on. It is not a PMs job to magic work out of the air that has not, or cannot be done. But have the others working on it onside, not so they take the mick but because many will have worked on stuff before, or have useful knowledge of suppliers etc or what is going on in their industry, and they have an interest in progressing things too; it's a team effort and they should be taking responsibility for tasks they have ownership on. Can you have some appropriate documents in a shared file so your manager can see what the delays etc are? Or a schedule bop? If it's absolutely unavoidable usually deadlines can be shifted, but only if this is agreed and there is reason to do so, it's so much worse if everyone is trying to relentlessly scramble to meet it when it's just not possible. Of course he might be a sexist bully, but if a female developer was acting exactly the same, how would you feel?

OP I don’t have any advice as don’t work in Project Management but just want to say I empathise so much with your last post.

I’ve loved wfh for so many reasons but like you, haven’t seen colleagues since March and sometimes it’s isolating.

My workload increased massively too since wfh and it just gets piled on and on and higher up make the right noises that they understand it’s a lot of work, but then keep doing giving me more. I’d say half my colleagues are overloaded and half are searching for work

I think the issue wfh is everyone thinks you are ever present and always available and if you do work for a lot of different people (as I imagine you do) everyone thinks their work is not only priority but the only work you’re doing.

I’ve had everything from teary moments OP to moments where I considered handing my notice in. Its getting better but that’s a different story.

I just wanted to say that I understand how you’re feeling and although I have no advice about the web developer just wanted to let you know that lots of people are feeling like this wfh and not able to just swing by someone’s desk or meet them for a coffee.

There's no 'I' in team you know! You need to get everyone in your team onside. You need to learn how to manage different types of people. You need to communicate actions up and down the chain whether you feel you need to or not. You need to ask for regular progress reports. If you're not respected by your team they'll not come to you with problems. If you want people to put themselves out for you and be team players then you have to do the same in return. I am that older team member who's seen it all. Hopefully when you get to that point you'll have a manager that still respects your opinions and your experience instead of dismissing it.

I know nothing about this line of work, but I do know he needs setting straight about one or two things. I'd be blunt, to the point, but don't get into a heated discussion. Tell him from now on he just needs to do his job and let you do yours to summarise. Let him fume, he'll get over it.

You need to ask him: as the project manager I ensure you are party to all aspects of the project including deadlines and clients so I am a little confused as to why you are quoting my own decision making process back to me? Is there something you would like to discuss?

I'm more straightforward so I would just ignore him and if pushed I would remind him of who the manager was with a curt response of: yes, X as the manager I can assure you I'm more than capable of ensuring all decisions and deadlines set by myself are carried out. Is there a reason you think they wouldn't be? and then fix him with a look.

It's because you're a woman and younger than him and his nose if out of joint. Square your shoulders and take no shit.

Say the last sentence of your post to him. A tip for him? Butt out.

This might have already been said but think about personalities here. When you manage a team, you do, to a degree, have to think about how personality plays into the function of that team and adapt your management style to get the best out of people. He is probably a very detail/systems oriented person who needs reassurance about how things are progressing.
So, as some have said, I think clear and frequent updates (even if more often than you think necessary) will help the situation....

Former planner here OP - sounds like it might be worth getting into the weeds with your dependencies matrix here - especially if you think he might be using other people's supposed weaknesses to cover his own.

It's because you're a woman and younger than him and his nose if out of joint.

Why would his nose be out of joint because the project manager is young and female? She is not his boss, he is a technical expert who may well be a higher grade than her and will likely have no interest in doing a PMs job (which is all paperwork and people management rather than the intellectually challenge of his job). Trying to pull rank when there is no rank to pull will just piss him off and depending on his personality he might either become obstructive or disengage and let her fail. Or if she's lucky he'll go to his boss and say they don't have a good working relationship and can he move project.

I’m a project manager. I think it sounds like you are all stressed and perhaps this is clouding your judgement a little bit. I’ve managed a lot of projects and sometimes my developer’s try and help by suggesting things they think I need to do and I welcome it. It’s helpful. Life’s too short. Put it down to experience, just ignore him if you need to and just do what you need to do.

I personally think he sees me as a young woman who cant possibly have things in hand

This.

& It happens far too often in the world of work. Sad to see some women here actually think you should put up with it & that it's your fault 🙄. He and they are being condescending because you are young. Nothing you have said implies that you cannot do your job.

You've already had some good advice in between all that gumph so hopefully you will see a way forward with this. He isn't your manager and should not be acting as if he is, it's not his remit.

Grow a pair, you are in charge, act that way!

"Thank you for your input into how to do my job. Have you done y or z yet?"

I know nothing about this line of work, but I do know he needs setting straight about one or two things.

Let him fume, he'll get over it.

This is bad advice. You don't want him fuming. He may get over it or he may instead screw OP over in the post bid debrief where he gets his chance to voice his opinion to OPs boss.

Sounds like he wants to be seen steering the ship to me! He’s done with scrubbing the decks and is after captains promotion! 🏴‍☠️

Personally I think it sounds like a man who doesn’t like having a younger female project manager running the show. Sounds like you have communicated well - I don’t think it matters how well you communicated, this person will try to undermine and patronise your by questioning you in this way that isn’t his place. I think you might need to face it head on by having a 1:1 with him the next time he says something inappropriate. Plus keep a list of these things he is saying with dates and times so you don’t forget anything or get flustered. Then the conversation goes like this:

“Whateverhisnameis, when you ask me these things and tell me how to do x,y and z (give examples) it comes across like you are questioning my methods or undermining me. I have had a, b, c meeting where I have set out updates and time frames and feeL that this is more than enough information for you and the team. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come access like this but I’d rather address this with you now so it doesn’t go on.”
And see what he says.

Sounds like he wants to be seen steering the ship to me! He’s done with scrubbing the decks and is after captains promotion!

Sounds like you know fuck all about project management. A project manager is not the big boss ordering around underlings doing unskilled work, they are managing a project and working with other skilled individuals (who may well be working on other projects at the same time) to deliver that project on time. The project team then disband and all go onto other projects. It would be entirely inappropriate for a project manager to use an autocratic management style.