To be fuming at colleague talking to me like he is my manager?

[Maria53]

I am a project manager in my late 20s. The male colleague in question is late 30s to early 40s I would say. He is a web developer and I oversee the overall projects. My line manager is happy with the way this project is progressing and I have to all in hand.

Well today this developer started saying things 'you need to push the client to get X information because David says the project has to be completed by X date'. David has only said as much because I set that deadline! And I have already done everything he says I 'need' to do.

He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him. He even asked 'have you done X yet?' about something which is NONE of his business and a line of questioning I expect from my manager only.

Basically I am perfectly capable with what I am doing and am not willing to be undermined in this way. Any tips?

The client is a real problem. They take forever to respond and don't fulfil their end of the bargain. They take no responsibility and leave everything to us. It has become a real issue.

I am going to ask him if he has any concerns on his end. He said he should have everything finished by Monday so he seemed to have it all in hand and hasnt expressed otherwise.

I am not sure why he is being so antsy but ordering me about in front of others on the same conversation just isnt on. I felt undermined.

You said he only started this behaviour this afternoon?
So maybe he is having a bad day and really grumpy.
Give him a chance, don't mention it now, but do so if he ever does it again.

IME it’s never a good sign about a male colleague when they say “you need to do [thing they want]”.

Have tried responses such as, eg ‘so you think X?’, ‘you seem concerned about Y’, as a PP suggests.

Or a brisk ‘thanks for the information / feedback’. (Saying nothing about what I intend to do).

Did he say this in person, or on email/instant messenger?

Bad either way! I would respond privately.

I am a good communicator which was confirmed in my most recent perfomance review

With greatest respect, a performance review only tells you how you are at upward communication with your line manager and senior managers above. It doesn’t and cannot cover the 360degrees of communication that are needed as a project manager.

I’ve trained many project managers and the team communication is often hard for them to master. His question to you
you need to push the client to get X information because David says the project has to be completed by X date' was perfectly reasonable because as a developer on the team he owes you the information that he needs client information no later than date X in order to meet the deadline for his work.

David has only said as much because I set that deadline!. This is quibbling. You actually proposed a deadline to David, your line manager, which he then approved. So technically, it is David’s deadline as much as yours.

Then here
He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him. He even asked 'have you done X yet?' about something which is NONE of his business and a line of questioning I expect from my manager only.

First, if you had set up a client meeting, why did he not know about it? I suspect you did not tell him because you are saying it’s none of his business. But it is. The project team should always know when a client meeting will be so they can pass any issues they need raised and any new updates on to you, the project manager in time. You should have informed the team. And if, as you say, you’d already done that perhaps you buried it in an email or a word document? Proper response is to say, oh yes I have set up such s meeting on date and time please refer to my email of date and time. Then assess your communication styles and see if he’s being obtuse or maybe you could communicate important things in a BLUF header or something (my project managers did this, it stands for bottom line up front and is a bullet point executive summary). Same goes for have you done X yet? Of course he can ask, his job depends on you doing your tasks. There may be things he cannot do until you have done X.
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Do you use PM software like Trello? If so, then surely he and the rest of the team can see what’s been done and what needs to be done. That way, if he does try to manage you, you can just say, “Check Trello, Norman. It’s all on there”.

On messenger on a chat I had set up for the project. So everyone else is seeing his orders as he dishes them out.

He doesnt speak to anyone in the office unless he has absolutely has to for work. No small talk ever etc. The client has already expressed that they dont like him which isnt great. But he is doing his job

I can understand why you feel undermined. I’d try to keep bouncing his queries back at him and being bland. Document it all and if it keeps on happening discuss it with your boss.

'David says...'

'Yes, you're correct, I have set the completion date as the 15th. It's all in hand.'

'David says...'

'Yes. Those were the instructions I gave David'.

'David says...' (utter bollocks)

That's interesting. I'll call him in and check that he hasn't misunderstood my instructions - can I get back to you on this later today?'.

'Thank you, David. The Management meetings are already in the diary, so please don't worry, I'll let you know what you need to do once we've agreed the outcome and targets for each member of the team'.

'Already sorted, thanks.'

'I'll let you know when something affects your remit, thank you, David'.

'That's a very good idea, David. Why don't you come up with something and submit it to me? I could give it a check just to make sure everything's in order and, if it is, I'll take it forward.'

Nothing particularly confrontational about it. But the language is all about how calm, rather than pissed off you are.

And if he starts barking at you, rather than getting visibly flustered, The Look helps. Followed by an ice cold 'would you like to go outside, then come back in and try that again?' 'What for?' 'Well, I'm fairly certain that you didn't actually mean to speak to me in that way, so I'd far rather gave you the benefit of the doubt on this'.

Just smile and say ‘thank you, I have everything in hand’

Oh for fucks sake some of you behave as if you were actually there and witnessed it all-assuming things makes YOU look bad! OP that sounds incredibly annoying,rude and sexist!

I’d tell him to concentrate on his role whilst I concentrate on mine, are we clear? But then I’m a stroppy bugger and I’ve been a PM for a long time, and like to nip these things in the bud first and soften later. Sets the tone and gets the job done.

A large chunk of IT people are not known for their nuanced communication, particularly not on messaging apps. I think you are reading more into this than is his intention.

The client is a real problem. They take forever to respond and don't fulfil their end of the bargain. They take no responsibility and leave everything to us. It has become a real issue

He needs the information, you've set him a deadline which he cannot meet without it, and you're now blaming the client, it was your job to protect the team from that, no deadline could be agreed without the information.

He's not bossing you about 'cos he wants to be your manager, he wants to complete the project to the deadline and he doesn't have the information to enable that, he's not communicating that well, but that's not part of the key capability of his role so it's probably not surprising he's bad at it. Part of your role is managing that.

Just say. Thanks Bob. I have done that. Yes that is all in hand. Already done. Yes I set the deadline remember. Yes I know I am lead on this remember. Every single time!

and then follow up with a question pertaining to his actual role and duties. Has he done X? What stage is he at with Y? has he communicated with whoever? turn it around into you checking up on him, as his manager. every time. be very aware of his deadlines, and very ready to ask about them. turn it back on him.

@sirfredfredgeorge He can meet the deadline and he will meet it. He told me as much this morning. His problem seems to me he doesnt trust my competence to get my part of it done in time for the deadline I set.

He then starts on 'have you done X yet? What about Y?' And so on. So effectively chasing me on my own tasks which is the role of my own manager if they feel that way inclined. It is all in hand

Men People like that are usually trying to cover up their own inadequacies. Just sayin'

Reply with
It’s all on schedule and the plan is updated (link)
And repeat
And repeat.

You have a client problem from the sounds of it. The developer is worrying about getting their work sorted because the client "doesn't understand" their role or, more likely don't care and expect you to just provide a perfect product without doing their end of the job.

I've been in both positions over my career (developer and PM). From the developer point of view I view this as probable worry about getting their side of things done. Even before your update that it started today I thought this was the case and it wasn't anything to do with you being a woman or younger.

You need to have a frank discussion about where exactly he's coming from AND a frank, firm discussion with your client about what they MUST get done.

Everyone needs to know what they're doing, and that includes (lazy) clients. Some clients need a firm hand (to say the least) on what they need to provide and when. Projects fail because of lazy clients who just assume you've a crystal ball when it comes to what they need and then blame you when your product doesn't meet what they want. Nip that in the bud right now.

Sounds like you've had the meeting and just need a chat with the developer and the client needs a kick into line.

X-post your work isn't his problem unless it feeds directly into the development and there are areas that are lacking for him to do his job. Sort that out as well. Despite your update I still think your problem is with the client not your developer.

@Basedrops has given good advice.

Please don't follow the leas of posters upthread who:ve suggeste you need to tell him to back off. That won't reflect well on you and is unlikely to result in the outcome you want.

You do need to have a chat with him, find out what his concerns are, and see what useful info/feedback you can get from this colleague who has a key role in the delivery of your project and has some useful experience.

You may be right in thinking he's assumed you're too young and inexperienced. It's part of your job to demonstrate that you have it all in hand by making the plan visible to all concerned, getting everyone to feed into it to make sure it's realistic, risks are considered etc. If you're doing that then when he calls you out everyone else will know he hasn't paid attention.

To all the posters telling me what I should be doing in my own role, you are no better imo

Why ask for tips if you don't want suggestions as to how to deal with it?

He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him.

To be fair, if his task is dependent on information supplied by the client, it is very much to do with him. If, as you say, the client is bad at responding and fail to supply all the information necessary, I can understand why he is concerned.

Blame gets tossed about like a hot potato when projects overrun. Even if the delay is down to a dependency on the client, if it's his task that goes over the deadline, he'll be in the firing line and he needs that paper trail.

The answers you are getting on this thread really shows how Mumsnet has changed over the years.

Previously, your post would have been recognised for the sexism/ageism you are on the receiving end of and you would have been advised accordingly.

Now - he is right to be questioning you and you are a failing manager.

Some posters really need to examine their replies and maybe visit the FWR board to reset their misogyny.

I'd ask him if you missed the meeting where he was promoted over you