To be fuming at colleague talking to me like he is my manager?

[Maria53]

I am a project manager in my late 20s. The male colleague in question is late 30s to early 40s I would say. He is a web developer and I oversee the overall projects. My line manager is happy with the way this project is progressing and I have to all in hand.

Well today this developer started saying things 'you need to push the client to get X information because David says the project has to be completed by X date'. David has only said as much because I set that deadline! And I have already done everything he says I 'need' to do.

He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him. He even asked 'have you done X yet?' about something which is NONE of his business and a line of questioning I expect from my manager only.

Basically I am perfectly capable with what I am doing and am not willing to be undermined in this way. Any tips?

@BackwardsGoing "Thoughtful, empathetic communication is one of the most important skills of a PM."

Well exactly, what from what the OP has written this is not a default sexism issue (it could be but it doesn't sound like it) but more a communication issue. The best thing the OP can do it talk to the person and try to understand what the issue is. Without any patronising "right back at you" "get him told" attitudes. I said upthread that I am a project manager, I work in a male dominated industry with tech and lawyers - surely one of the worst combinations were communication is key and have not suffered from sexism/ageism issues. I am not saying this isn't the case here but from what I am reading the evidence suggests to me that communication is more the issue.

Me too @Cosmos45. And in my experience if you have an indirect report on your project team bossing you around, telling you what to do, and undermining you in front of colleague (all of which OP has advised on previous posts) that’s not a communication issue requiring some thoughtful empathy.
It requires polite assertiveness so that the PM can do her job effectively and everyone else is using their time most efficiently.

OP, I'm not a PM but my DH is. You sound like someone who's not very good at listening or managing b if I'm totally honest. You're totally showing your age here. Getting things done on time isn't all that's required. Managing people and having a happy team are equally important and it sounds like you're not handling that aspect very well at all.

I think empathy and polite assertiveness is the way to go here. I think all of us are at a point of being totally over worked and over stretched. We have all being expected to work extra hard to retain our jobs during a pandemic and we are burning out.

I spoke to him today, asking if he was on track with 'tasks y and z'. He said no, he hadnt even started! He said he was waiting on info from another colleague. When I asked this colleague they said they were not aware they had to provide anything. And yet he had said it was all on track just yesterday...

A lot of the issues are coming from this being a problem client from the start. It has caused all of us more stress than usual. I have called a meeting to iron things out between the developer and the client as he has admitted he isnt totally sure what he is doing. He seems to have said yes I am on track when he actually wasnt.

I have adjusted the plan of action and he sounds more reassured. But I still think his initial comments/the tone came from a place of sexism/ageism. I have experienced it so many times in the last decade that I am a bit on watch for it happening now.

@MerryMarigold

OP, I'm not a PM but my DH is. You sound like someone who's not very good at listening or managing b if I'm totally honest. You're totally showing your age here. Getting things done on time isn't all that's required. Managing people and having a happy team are equally important and it sounds like you're not handling that aspect very well at all.

Not any other ‘My DH...’ post FFS.

@MerryMarigold I well aware of the fact time isnt all that is required and that others things are important. My manager is putting me under intense pressure to get it all done in a certain timeframe without understanding why more time is required. People who are not involved in the project with no understanding of it are handing out deadlines because they just want us freed up for the next project.

God you sound like a nightmare honestly. I'm so glad I'm not a developer anymore. If he was waiting for information and was getting nowhere he should have been able to come to you to chase it up for him and the fact he didn't speaks volumes.

Think you need to get that chip off your shoulder and start working alongside your team a bit more instead of blaming problems you encounter on ageism or sexism

@Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow - sorry maybe I didn't make myself clear, when I say communication it doesn't need to be empathetic I just mean't that the OP needs to communicate with the indirect report to find out what the issue is. I agree that polite assertiveness is required, I do this a lot in a male dominated industry, however once it is done I no longer have an issue. From what the OP has updated on there was a lack of assurance issue, everyone was getting stressed, the client was a nightmare etc and in any case the main job of the PM is communicate with all involved. I don't mean just communicate with what they alone are doing but communicate and find out what the issues are.

I often refer to my job as being a counsellor, a mediator and mother, because that's what it feels like some days.

Yeah @Yaottie all women just need to get that chip off their shoulders! Just pretend ageism and sexism doesnt exist.

He never asked for the information and the fact that he didnt is down to poor communication. Not me. I have made it clear that I am always available for questions and chats.

But surely your job is to ensure that all of the project team know what deliverables are expected from them? How did you arrive at the situation where somebody is awaiting info from another who didn't realise they're meant to be providing it?

It sounds as if you have a whole maris piper on your shoulder!

But you're the PM OP. It's your job to know if someone is actually on track to deliver or not.
If someone I've not worked with before says something is on track I will always ask additional questions so I know exactly what that means.

It sounds like this guy is a poor communicator and possibly a bit of a procrastinator. To be fair, he doesn't sound brilliant.

But the team need to know you have their back and will make sure they get what they need to do their job. Doesn't sound that way here.

If your project team is being pushed to do things in too little time your job as PM is to push back on that rather than expect people to do the impossible.

No-one is saying pretend it doesn't exist. We're saying you have to learn to deal with it as its not going away anytime soon. Ageism may reduce as you get older, but sexism remains regardless and you need to develop coping strategies that won't end up with you in front of HR.

@Maria53

Yeah *@Yaottie* all women just need to get that chip off their shoulders! Just pretend ageism and sexism doesnt exist.

He never asked for the information and the fact that he didnt is down to poor communication. Not me. I have made it clear that I am always available for questions and chats.

Of course ageism and sexism exist. I just find it interesting that so many women go straight to that without examining if there is something wrong with their approach. What would you be blaming it on if the tech was a woman?

Making it clear you're available isn't the same as being approachable

I am stunned at how patronising posters are on this thread. OP is the PM! This bloke hasn't done the work he was meant to do, hasn't gone after the correct person but has been pestering the OP about doing her job... and yet somehow it's her fault. The OP has the work in hand, her only problem is this bloke telling her what to do!

@AudaCityLimits the PMs job is to get the project delivered.

@MrsJakeLovell - 100% agree with this - where have all these men's rights apologists come from?

OP, he is being a sexist twat. Be firm, be professional - it is really, really tough being a young female manager when you have to manage men who are 10 years older - I have been there and it is hard work.

Reply on messenger " yes Bob, as discussed at our planning meeting and visible on the planner app, this is all in hand".

Then ask - Bob, how is your part of the plan coming along - any items the team need to pick up on?

In other words, play it like a man, if he is a pain to you, be a pain to him.

OP doesn't have the work in hand as one of the team isn't on track and OP didn't know that.

Instead of getting defensive, OP needed to communicate with the team member. When she did, the problem came to light.

Personally as the manager I would reflect on why the situation occurred. For some reason, the developer didn't say there was an issue. Why not? As an outsider it seems his change to questioning recently was his way of saying something wasn't right. Expressing concern on deadlines indicates something under the surface if it's new behaviour. He wasn't being chauvinistic etc he had concerns about meeting deadlines. Did he go about it the right way? No. But why is that? Only the OP can answer that.

@AudaCityLimits

I am stunned at how patronising posters are on this thread. OP is the PM! This bloke hasn't done the work he was meant to do, hasn't gone after the correct person but has been pestering the OP about doing her job... and yet somehow it's her fault. The OP has the work in hand, her only problem is this bloke telling her what to do!

Project managers only manage the project. They aren’t the line manager for the members of the project team. That’s what makes the job difficult and so dependent on respectful communication between the PM and the technical leads.

My manager is putting me under intense pressure to get it all done in a certain timeframe without understanding why more time is required.

It’s your job as PM to make your manager understand and the technical leads can help you with supporting data so you can make the case for a schedule change.

So I guess the deadline was your line managers then? Because you initially said you set the deadline, that it was yours in your OP. Did you set the impossible deadline or did your manager? If you, why did you promise the project sooner than feasible?

Oh so we’ve gone from:
*He has twice today told me he thinks I should set up meetings with my own clients when a meeting has already been set up and it is nothing to do with him.
To
I have called a meeting to iron things out between the developer and the client

I guess in talking to him, the developer was successful on the 3rd request in convincing you he did need a client meeting. It’s probably the burn out that has you so on edge. Even more important to keep your temper in check and give your team the benefit of the doubt and listen when they ask questions or express doubts.

Your line manager needs to have the plate is full discussion from you. We’ve had to do this in some cases, where there is too much work for the funds and/or people available. Something has to give and it’s better to tell your line manager the best project to put on a back burner or requirement to cut up front. To manage the workload and expectations of upper management instead of struggling to keep all the plates spinning and risking a very important one being the one that breaks. Some projects have to take priority. And underline the fact that if every project is a priority, then nothing is a priority.

Ha! knew it was him deflecting from the fact he had an issue. Annoying that they were not honest in the progress meeting but sounds like its in hand now.

I know how to do my job so how about you concentrate on doing yours

It doesn't sound like OP does though.

OP, probably the most important (and challenging) aspect of project management is dealing with internal and external stakeholders, especially those with an interest in how the project is progressing as he has as it must impact his work somehow. Do you have a living schedule on some sort of SharePoint system? Regular drumbeat meetings? Are you dismissive of peoples ideas, or do you listen? The thing is it sounds like you are very tunnel vision in that this needs to be delivered by y, and sound quite territorial. Rather than view it as him telling you how to do your job, listen to people's input rather than just giving them updates on what you are doing. A PM should coordinate things but that doesn't mean take ownership of all activity, especially when those who understand the requirements from a technical perspective have ideas.

In the end I ended up talking to the person above me who is putting pressure on everyone else to get everything done NOW. We are doing everything we can. I have set up a meeting with the client now and the developer and I have agreed on the best approach.

Honestly I havent seen any of my colleagues since March. We all still WFH and not being able to just go to someone's desk and have a quick chat is valuable. We have all worked above and beyond throughout this pandemic and we keep getting more piled on our workloads. I know I should be grateful for having a job. But I actually feel tearful writing this

I have taken annual leave early next week so hopefully I can reset a bit over the weekend.