AIBU to not trust my gut on man I'm dating?

[StartingAgain33]

I've been dating someone for three months. He's thoughtful, intelligent, successful, wants the same things in life as me and has made it clear that he sees a future with me (as much as someone can in such a short space of time). He also has literally built my dream life and is inviting me to be a part of it. But my gut keeps telling me to run away, and my therapist says that one of my key challenges is learning to tune into and act on my gut. I'm obsessing and would love your thoughts.

I worry I'm focusing on the negatives too much. I'm about to be 36, keen to have children and tired of being in a dating pool with guys that either don't have their shit together and so by default aren't ready for kids, or who are emotionally avoidant and not willing to put their cards on the table. This guy is neither of those things, and is up for doing the work of a real relationship. So I worry this is just my commitment issues - and potentially anxiety at having met someone so amazing - coming to the fore. What would you think?

Good things:

• He is open about wanting to settle down, feeling ready for children (a priority for me), about having done the necessary work to get to this point with a therapist (he went to boarding school from a young age and was very starved of love - so had a very avoidant dating pattern). He had one 18 month relationship which ended last year which he said went a long way to healing some of his commitment issues. However, he never loved her and they broke it off as they both felt (I think it was more that he felt) that what they had wasn't 'enough'. This was after they had moved in together to test the relationship (I kind of think you should know if you love someone before making that move, and wonder how much anxiety she was hiding?)
• He is very successful and leads a really great life. He's open and generous with this life - introducing me to friends and family, making fun trips happen all the time
• His future vision is the same as mine to an uncanny degree
• He's not afraid to challenge me and be honest about things, something which I find difficult (I have an anxious attachment pattern)
• Seems to have a realistic view of what to expect from relationships
• He's very good at going for what he wants and making things happen, which I find attractive
• Has great, very close long-term friendships - shows he is capable of longer term intimacy
• Is very up for 'doing the work' in a relationship
• Is kind when I open up to him about difficulties, and makes an effort to be there for me
• Is very consistent with communication, very much leading on this aspect of our relationship

Bad things:

• He has a very avoidant past (41 years old, has had one relationship in the past 20 or so years and many flings), and I think may have difficulty in general connecting to people. Even though I know this, I keep blame myself for what I feel is a lack of connection in our interactions (I'm not sure he feels this too, although I'm thinking about asking him as it's driving me crazy - like an elephant in the room)
• I just have a terrible gut feeling a lot of the time. When I'm with him, there's a sort of stilted atmosphere (I feel) and I don't feel able to relax. We hardly laugh. He's quiet quite a lot. He's been honest that he has abandonment issues and that he is hypervigilant to signs of rejection, which makes him quiet, so I've tried to have patience with it but I also feel hypervigilant around him. I've tried to spend lots of time with him to get over this and it's still there most of the time
• Talks about relationships as 'work' a lot - feels a little joyless
• Despite talking quite a lot about money / having lots of investments and also enough savings to never have to work again, he has let me somehow do all of the grocery shopping for every visit we've had. Majority of these have been me going to his city, which is nicer to hang out in as it's close to the countryside, so I'm spending money on train tickets AND about £80 at least every single time. This is really stacking up. In comparison, he knows that at 35 I'm still saving for a housing deposit and am going through an expensive egg freezing process. He is extremely frugal in general. The one time he paid of out food on a visit (because I lost my bank card) he asked me to settle up with him afterwards. He probably doesn't realise how much I've spent, as I've not communicated this and frankly find it awkward and quite rude that he wouldn't enquire himself or just say 'I'll pay for groceries next time'. Of all the things, strangely, this one makes me most angry and uncomfortable. I guess because we're from very different social classes and I would never want to be seen as a gold digger (he knows this, we've spoken about the fact that I've always dated people from a 'higher' class than me and that I've always gone at least halves or paid for more because I don't want to be seen as with them for their money)
• I find our conversation often turns to serious subjects - trauma, how messed up someone is, work stuff - and there is little lightness. He is a thoughtful and quite serious character, I think, but I also worry this is just a chemistry thing and he'd be better with someone else (which then makes me want to fix it)
• Because he's very open about wanting to settle down, it can sometimes make me feel like he is being spurred by that rather than wanting to be with ME. This could be my paranoia. But he doesn't often express how he actually feels about me, or why. He expresses his affection, I guess, through wanting to spend lots of time together, but even this feels a little intense / out of kilter with our level of emotional intimacy. Lockdown and living in different cities doesn't help - our dates are several days long, which I think I find a bit much
• He's commented a few times about how I have a higher sex drive than him / enjoy it more. This makes me feel self conscious about asking for sex. When I did the one time, last week, he was too tired. We didn't have enough physical closeness in my four day visit for me to feel particularly cared for or happy. In general I find him just quite distant. Sex feels a little transactional - like he'll do the minimum to make me orgasm, then he's like 'job done' and then gets his and it's over. There isn't enough kissing or general sensuality for me. I don't feel very connected with him
• I said I was uncomfy meeting his parents on our third ever date (it was a week long, and we'd been talking on zoom for a month before meeting, plus we actually know eachother from 13 years ago in a work context, but still). He said that was fine and they weren't coming, then the day before told me they actually were and I could 'hide in the house as they'd be in the garden and he'd just say I had lots of work to do' if I wanted. I felt intensely uncomfy with this setup so just met them anyway, but felt very awkward. He hadn't seen them all lockdown, and apparently it was just circumstantial that they visited that day, but I felt a little blindsided. I also met his sister and niece on the day, had been living with his other sister for a week and had spent the day with his best friends that week also. It all felt a little much

So - am I looking a gifthorse in the mouth? My anxiety levels are through the roof on this. For some reason I feel like I need to end it NOW even though I know there's loads of great things going for this guy. Any idea what might be going on?

It sounds like way too much hard work I'm afraid.

I just split up with someone, who seemed perfect on paper, but 'joyless' was one of the words I used. I can't recall ever having a laugh with him about something frivolous or daft.

He's miserable / no fun.
Rubbish sex.
Joyless.

But the clincher for me - tight with money is a huge deal. Think ahead 2 years, with you home with a baby. He is going to begrudge you every penny you need for yourself and your baby. Tightness will become financial abuse sure as eggs is eggs.

Drop this one like a hot brick.

You don't laugh, you don't feel comfortable, he's tight and ignores your feelings.

Where is this gifthorse you mention?

No no no, this is all wrong. I really understand the feeling of wanting to settle down and have a family but there’s a reason you feel like this, listen to your gut. Hopefully the egg freezing will allow you to relax a bit more about needing to get on with things so you have a bit more time to find the right person. It’s not this guy. Best of luck to you.

He knows exactly what he's doing making you pay for groceries. Are you sure he's as solvent as he says he is?
Do not go any further with this mean, joyless man.
I totally sympathise with your desire to settle down and have a family but, please, not with him.

Is kind when I open up to him about difficulties, and makes an effort to be there for me

we've spoken about the fact that I've always dated people from a 'higher' class than me and that I've always gone at least halves or paid for more because I don't want to be seen as with them for their money

I find our conversation often turns to serious subjects - trauma, how messed up someone is, work stuff - and there is little lightness

He seems to have delved into a lot of your insecurities in a short space of time, and I bet you're already starting to feel indebted to him and like you're the messed up one.

His future vision is the same as mine to an uncanny degree

Presumably you think this because he told you this?

he has let me somehow do all of the grocery shopping for every visit we've had

He invited you to his house and expected you buy all the food? WTF? It doesn't even matter if it's a relationship scenario or not - who does this?

He said that was fine and they weren't coming, then the day before told me they actually were and I could 'hide in the house

Seriously? You know this guy isn't relationship material.

am I looking a gifthorse in the mouth?

Do you mean should you settle for someone who's as equally unsuitable for you as the other guys you've dated but is fucked up in different ways?

No. No, you should not.

He's inviting you into his 'ideal' life, but the catch is that you'd have to be in a relationship with him.

Run. Don't look back!
At 3 months in you shouldn't see any faults, let alone have a list like that!

It is the honeymoon period, this when he should be putting the effort in. You should feel a connection, be having lots of sex, fun dates, laughing more sex.

Please don't settle for him, and definitely don't have kids with him!

Anxious + avoidant
Tightarse
Unsexual
Awkward
Transactional

Yeah... you would be insane to continue this relationship. Get your trainers on my love.

I say that as someone in a successful happy relationship with an avoidant person - it can be done - but absolutely not in the circumstances that you describe.

'I just have a terrible gut feeling a lot of the time. When I'm with him, there's a sort of stilted atmosphere (I feel) and I don't feel able to relax. We hardly laugh'

It's nothing to do with 'trusting your gut' the evidence is right in front of you. You hardly laugh, he's tight and he sounds weird.

Sorry op, stop wasting your time and move on.

You said that you worry that he wants the relationship but hasn't really mentioned liking YOU - but it sounds like you are doing a similar thing here - on paper he sounds great but you don't actually like him!

If he sees a relationship as ‘work’ now, what will it be in 5 years time- potentially with a baby and a lot less time for fun things and a lot more issues with money?
I’ve been married for over 20 years, we have a teenage son and we are both fatter and more stressed than when we met. DH still makes me laugh- daily.
Those two things would tell me that this is not a relationship to build a life together on.

Imagine the next fifty years without laughing with your partner.

he has let me somehow do all of the grocery shopping for every visit we've had

This. Didn't read any more.

Trust your gut.

Previous posters have given excellent reasons to get as far away as possible from this man. He sounds like a joy destructive machine. I would suggest that you leave asap and change your contact details. Don't look back.

So he's tight with money, poor in bed, doesn't make you laugh, and you feel uncomfortable with him? You don't need your gut to tell you he's not the right man for you, it's clear as day.

Bloody hell, you type out that massive list of bad points then you still call him a gift horse?! Read your cons list again and pretend you're best friend said all this to you. What would you tell her?

He's only had one relationship in his life, he doesn't seem to be that into you, he doesn't make you feel like he's got any affection for you, he's shit in bed, you're on edge around him, despite him painting himself as perfect boyfriend, he lets you pay for everything despite him having way more money (he should at least pay his share) wants to spend all his time talking about dark subjects and doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't respect your wishes re railroading you into meeting his parents. Even his good points are making me feel unsettled. Especially the bit about you both having the same goals, uncannily so. Is he mirroring you?

Even though I know this, I keep blame myself for what I feel is a lack of connection in our interactions

what's happened to you in the past to blame yourself for this? He's the one who has only had one relationship, why on earth would this be your fault?

But he doesn't often express how he actually feels about me, or why. He expresses his affection, I guess, through wanting to spend lots of time together, but even this feels a little intense / out of kilter with our level of emotional intimacy.

Huge red flag. This guy has red flags all over him to be honest. You seem to come over like you don't think you're good enough for him, or you need to fix him. You've been together 3 months. That's nothing. I've got chocolate in my cupboard I've had longer than that. He ain't a gift horse. He's the old nag you need to send to the knackers yard. You're the gift horse. You sound kind, and generous, and empathetic. You're also going after what you want with the egg freezing. You pay your own way.

Maybe write a list. What is your ideal boyfriend. Then how many of those boxes does he tick?

You are way, way, way too good for this guy. Don't waste your life on him. Your gut instinct is the most important guide you have. Trust it.

Three months? Nah! Move on.

Why do you mention your gut , as if it’s something vague you can’t put your finger on ? I’ve never understood this.

There’s about 5 blatant reasons to not like this man. There’s no need for your gut - your brain is perfectly capable of summing up the situation.

Please answer this question to yourself completely honesty :

If he had a very low income and lived in budget rented accommodation would you be even considering a future with him?

Have you read Blink? It's about when to trust your gut and when 'your gut' is actually just a reaction based on your previous experiences, prejudices, etc. I think it might help you.
In this case, I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. He's financially mean, humourless, overly serious, has a poor track record in relationships but is dangling the promise of commitment and fairy tales. Reading about him felt like hard work so I can only imagine how draining it would actually be, to be with him.

Don't go there OP. Just because you really really really want it to be right won't make it so! To be this tight early in a relationship is terrible, has he no shame? So unattractive. Don't tie yourself to some one like this, especially by adding kids to the mix. RUN.

Wow you’ve covered a lot of ground in just three months.

100% move on.

This is a classic case of good on paper. He’s ticking all the boxes of wanting children, etc. so you want it to fit. But it doesn’t.

You have permission, you can let him go. You won’t regret it. You won’t kick yourself for missing out on a catch. You will find someone else you prefer and wonder why on Earth you wasted a moment on this tight-arsed dullard. It’s a big bye Felicia! from me.

I would have dumped him at “we hardly laugh”. He isn’t the one for you. Someone should make you feel good.

Sounds like theres a zero spark and chemistry which are important to a relationship. Trust youre instinct