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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opportunity to confront my school bully

294 replies

ManCubsMama · 22/07/2020 08:24

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Ilovechinese · 22/07/2020 12:30

Wtf why would you bring her daughter into it? Leave her child out of it shes innocent!

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/07/2020 12:31

@ManCubsMama

The majority of PP’s don’t get it. The ones that do, really get it.
Disagreeing with you doesn't mean we don't understand. That's a bit of an arrogant outlook. Not a single person has said you're wrong to be hurt and damaged by your experiences. We're talking about what you do with that as an adult in the here and now

The fact that so many people think you'll put yourself in the wrong by doing anything like this should be causing you to rethink and question yourself. You're a grown up now, you should be able to do that better than an unhappy teenager.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/07/2020 12:31

If you move on it should be for your benefit not theirs. I don't think people change, if you have it in you to be that cruel as a teenager that's just what you are like. Most people learn to adapt their behaviour based on what's socially acceptable but the core personality doesn't change.

AragornsManlyStubble · 22/07/2020 12:34

And like I said OP tries to justify her thoughts, because none of us saying she’s unreasonable understand AT ALL.

Bullshit, I get you.

And I’d have said the same things I have now while sat on 24hr suicide watch.

YABU and there’s no way you aren’t.

Pesimistic · 22/07/2020 12:46

The best revenge is no revenge in my opinion, acknowledge her, then move on.

sst1234 · 22/07/2020 12:48

@BluebellForest836

Call her out OP, actions have consequences

Such as what? Having a moan at her and calling her a bully. You really think she will give a shit? Hardly a consequence is it.

What would you do? Put her on trial? Or just play sweet friends with the nasty piece of work. Since the former is not possible and the latter is hurtful for OP, what do you suggest?
ShebaShimmyShake · 22/07/2020 12:51

You know what they say about revenge and grave digging...

Redhair23 · 22/07/2020 12:52

I think it’s very rare for bullies to acknowledge what they have done and they tend to turn on the person calling them out or the victim even more.

I disagree that teenagers grow out of it, if you are a bully as a teenager you will quite likely be a bully as an adult. You see it enough online from grown adults.

kenandbarbie · 22/07/2020 12:59

You said she might have become a bully because people called her names. Yet you're planning on acting the same way Hmm

I doubt saying anything to her would make her squirm as much as it'd make you look bitter and embarrass everyone else.

You might talk to her and actually find she's really nice and you get on now. Since she was having a hard time at school too, there's no reason to believe she's a horrible adult.

MilerVino · 22/07/2020 13:04

The majority of PP’s don’t get it. The ones that do, really get it.

OP I think it would help you to understand the viewpoint of those people who you dismiss as saying they 'don't get it'. You don't have to agree with them but given you think they're the majority, I would try to understand where they are coming from.

In terms of thinking the OP should move on, it's not about letting crimes go unpunished, but about likely outcomes and what is best for the OP. Confronting her bully may go badly wrong and re-open old wounds. Rising above it can actually be very empowering - I speak from experience. I've had bullies contact me via FB and my goodness the sweet relief of clicking block and ignore was good. It just said 'you are no longer part of my life, you are of no account to me' and that was it.

Pinkpepper9 · 22/07/2020 13:04

Please don’t say anything to her daughter.

I would just be the bigger person and move on.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/07/2020 13:04

@Redhair23

I think it’s very rare for bullies to acknowledge what they have done and they tend to turn on the person calling them out or the victim even more.

I disagree that teenagers grow out of it, if you are a bully as a teenager you will quite likely be a bully as an adult. You see it enough online from grown adults.

If this is true, it could be a very startling light depending on where you wish to point it.
LetsSplashMummy · 22/07/2020 13:04

You're a bit too gleeful about how ugly she is/was and the names she was called because of it. Can you reflect at all on what her version of events might be? Really try as this is what you are expecting from her.

I'm willing to bet you laughed along when she was picked on, if not what did you do? Her version might have you at the centre, encouraging people to call her these names. You might not consider yourself at the centre, but it's unlikely you we're on her side or telling people to stop.

If she comes back and says that you were no better, and started it, just like you're starting it again as an adult, do you have a come back?

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 22/07/2020 13:06

I saw someone recently who was horrible to me at primary school cos her elder brother could back it up (he was in next year up). Back then, at 10 years old, she had strawberry blond hair, porcelain skin and was slim and beautiful.

When I saw her recently, she had a bad bleach job, red in the face and was the same size as me (I'm big). I do not say it made me laugh inside, I merely gloat over the memory.

Bella2020 · 22/07/2020 13:09

I can understand how childhood bullying can leave a person very bitter. You don't realise it, but you've already beaten this bully, by not letting her actions dent your self esteem, by going on to be successful, by having a happy life.
Please forget about all these grand plans. If you must say something to her, make it a quiet conversation, telling her how her actions affected you, and probably others. Then leave it at that. You've already won.

teaflake · 22/07/2020 13:44

I was icily dismissive (I hope!) when a former (mild) bully ringleader sitting on her own in the pub, tried to be friendly.
A tiny 'victory', no doubt, but satisfying. When I recall the bullying, I also remember this.

Cam2020 · 22/07/2020 13:56

As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc.

Let that speak for you then and be all the revenge you need. Coming out with it all now just makes you look bothered and gives her the power once again. Definitely do not say any thing to her 5 year old!

Bullying is awful but you have no idea what was going on in her life at that time when she was a child, and isn't trying to embarrass someone as an adult bullying in itself?

GreytExpectations · 22/07/2020 14:26

@ManCubsMama

The majority of PP’s don’t get it. The ones that do, really get it.
No, OP. The majority don't agree with you. There is a difference but sadly you don't seem mature enough to figure that out so instead you brand us all of "Not getting it" when really, we completely "get" the type of person you are
ABlackRussian · 22/07/2020 14:37

As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc.

You sound dire.

Original poster
ManCubsMama · 22/07/2020 14:52

I get that it’s not about looks, but a lot of people seem offended that I have a high opinion of myself. Why is this? Please shed some light. I can’t imagine feeling miffed that someone considers themself to be attractive or accomplished, except for if this was a particular hang up of my own.

I’m not saying I’m a supermodel, I’m just saying I look in the mirror and I’m for the most part happy with my appearance. What’s so bad about that?

Ironically this place can be so hostile towards women.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 22/07/2020 14:54

I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband

By your standards I'm pretty sure I don't tick any of those OP. Am I, therefore, a failure?

Original poster
ManCubsMama · 22/07/2020 14:56

@INeedNewShoes Do you consider yourself a failure? Those things are things I worked for (minus the husband 😂) so yes I would consider them successes.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 22/07/2020 15:07

No, but nor would you catch me saying that 'I am successful'!

I have a nice job, using my degree but that only just pays the bills.

I own a house that does the job but wouldn't be described as nice and I'm hoping to do better at some point.

I have a 2004 car with a couple of dents in it Grin but its mine and I love it and the fact that its not run by computers.

The one thing that I might consider myself a failure for is that I never met a husband, attractive or otherwise. I'm long-term single.

But I am content with life. I have friends who are really good fun and who dote on DD and who are supportive to me. I enjoy the things I do and I feel reasonably confident that I'm doing ok.

I do agree with PP that you never really recover from being bullied. My self-esteem was absolutely shot to pieces as a teenager and despite having a wonderful time with great friends in my late teens and twenties, I'd say it took until my early thirties to start to shake off fully the underlying feeling that there was something wrong with me.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/07/2020 15:09

@ManCubsMama

I get that it’s not about looks, but a lot of people seem offended that I have a high opinion of myself. Why is this? Please shed some light. I can’t imagine feeling miffed that someone considers themself to be attractive or accomplished, except for if this was a particular hang up of my own.

I’m not saying I’m a supermodel, I’m just saying I look in the mirror and I’m for the most part happy with my appearance. What’s so bad about that?

Ironically this place can be so hostile towards women.

We're not offended, we just don't see why someone with your apparent level of self esteem and life success is obsessing over stuff that happened when you and this other person were both children, or why you'd be so keen, as an adult, to punch so far down over it. If your successes and superiority really are so apparent, why are you worried that she won't notice them? And if she's always been ugly and was also picked on at school, why do you think she won't know what it's like?

And don't even start about hostility to women after you've spent the thread telling us what a minger she is...

Babyvibe · 22/07/2020 15:09

You would say that to a 5 year old? Confused That's not setting a good example for your own children and really horrible to the 5 year old that has done nothing wrong. I understand you feeling resentment towards her but what you're planning to do is bullying. You completely lose your argument when you get petty like that. Have a normal conversation with her and explain how you feel if you really feel you need to. Not in front of children.