Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

The teenage girl and adult women are the same person. I mean hopefully you mature as you age but you don't become a separate person.

The teenage girl and adult women are the same person. I mean hopefully you mature as you age but you don't become a separate person.

This is true but people always seem to want to make excuses for bullies. And saying teenagers dont have as much empathy blah blah blah when that forms as a toddler and doesnt just fuck off when you hit your teens and return. Bullies know they are bullies and they dont change much as adults. My dp was a school bully and occassionally i see things in him what he laughs at on tv etc and how he interacts with people he knows and you can just tell he made some poor kids lives hell at school. I was badly bullied as well and always wonder what i would do if a former school bully tried to talk to me and how i could hurt them back and make everyone see what a horrid person they were.

Not saying op would be right doing anything she said in her op especially not talking to the womans kid, but if it was me i would just blank her and if she asked why i would tell her she was a bullying cunt at school. None of this ignore it and be nice and pretend it never happened.

I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

Oh God, please don't do that, really to a child?! Not the child's fault her mum was a bullying cow at school
I hear you wanting to call out, if I was confronted with mine I'd probably want to, but seriously - how would it go? Could still be an unremorseful bitch now and I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction was taking up headspace.
Be the bigger person - ignore, and stay as much away as you can from her. If it speaks to you, frosty smile and civil words and move away as soon as you can

Ooh never tried it like that! Raw?

What I am criticising, along with most others, is OP's planned method of dealing with it as an adult in the here and now, 15 years later Which she has said were, at least in part, fantasising... as many others have agreed is often part of dealing with meeting a bully as an adult! Acknowledge that, maybe!

And it doesn't reflect well when so much of the focus is not on what the girl did back then, but how she looks and lives now compared to the OP. Erm, that's OP measuring to see if she has possibly got her revenge by living her life well (usually combined with the idea of Karma and so is really living better ). Why shouldn't OP make that comparison? How else is she to lay those old ghosts to rest? She can measure her success, if she wants to! That has no impact on the other woman at all, but may help OP realise that she doesn't have to carry that round with her any more.

It just seems odd to e-flagellate a woman who is trying to come to terms with this.

No Pablos... it's a type of gin, hold on... it's how I chose my current username...

curiospiritscompany.co.uk/

Though now you mention it....

😂😂 That makes more sense! I’ll try that, thanks.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

What I am criticising, along with most others, is OP's planned method of dealing with it as an adult in the here and now, 15 years later Which she has said were, at least in part, fantasising... as many others have agreed is often part of dealing with meeting a bully as an adult! Acknowledge that, maybe!

And it doesn't reflect well when so much of the focus is not on what the girl did back then, but how she looks and lives now compared to the OP. Erm, that's OP measuring to see if she has possibly got her revenge by living her life well (usually combined with the idea of Karma and so is really living better ). Why shouldn't OP make that comparison? How else is she to lay those old ghosts to rest? She can measure her success, if she wants to! That has no impact on the other woman at all, but may help OP realise that she doesn't have to carry that round with her any more.

It just seems odd to e-flagellate a woman who is trying to come to terms with this.

It isn't presented as a fantasy in the OP. That came later when the thread failed to go as planned.

Karma is bollocks. If that's true, perhaps the girl was dishing out some cosmic justice to OP back then? Since teenagers can deserve it, apparently. It's just cack. What, so if OP loses her money and looks in the months to come, she's "lost"?

OP absolutely can measure her success in any way she likes. Nobody suggests otherwise, despite the accusations. It becomes a different issue when she considers weaponising it, on discovering this person is less rich and pretty, for things that happened 15 years ago as kids.

If you think I've, er, e-flagellated OP at any point, report the posts. I've reread them and I truly see nothing abusive. Actually I think some of the earlier ones are more compassionate than most.

@ManCubsMama
I agree the comment to the child is extreme - I should have stated although I thought it was rather obvious this is all a fantasy in my mind. Tell me some of the stuff you fantasise isn’t farfetched!

Just seen this update, glad you wouldn't really do that and were just fantasising!
I can relate to that, I saw as a friend suggestion on FB someone who bullied me, as we have quite a few mutuals in common on there - saw her profile was a pic of her kid.
Thought "let's hope you don't run into anyone at school who's a bitch like your mum" but then quickly squashed that thought down as not the kids fault.
Agree with you also people don't know what it's like if someone was particularly vile - they don't know how it affects people even years later.
Bullies are foul.

For what it's worth some of my fantasies regarding bullies were like the prom scene in Carrie. The vast majority of fantasies are just fantasies.

I know Karma is bollocks, I think the life lived well shite is too, I'm just saying what is often spouted round here!

If you don't think you have e-flagellated OP then maybe that comment isn't aimed at you! Some other posters have definitely made a fairly aggressive response or two - and I wonder why?!

Either way. As is usual when such posts are made, there is such a leap to condemn the initial lashng out of an OP, to defend the one time bully. I have always wondered why? What is it about an adult trying to make sense of their disordered thinking that makes for such responses?

I think it’s fine to confront her. You need closure and to stand up for yourself and say your piece. If it will give you strength and closure then do it! (But agree no need to include her child).

It isn't presented as a fantasy in the OP. That came later when the thread failed to go as planned.

Quite.

What OP has posted is fairly fucking normal for someone who has been bullied as she describes.

The AIBU wasn't posed as a fantasy though, was it? If the OP had said: 'there's a chance of an encounter with an old bully AIBU to fantasise about the things I'd love to say to her but never would IRL', people wouldn't have criticised.

OP's bully was the victim of bullying, who in turn bullied OP, who now wants to behave like a bully. It's a never ending circle!

Me too @SnuggyBuggy

One of mine is now a minor cog in a major New York fashion house, occasionally seen on telly, promenading their wares!

Even now, in our 50s, that pisses me off! I still occasionally indulge in Godzilla meets Towering Inferno - she always dies last, and horribly Oddly the Great Bristish Sewing Bee can trigger some of it

I'd be lobbing things at the TV screen I think

Ah! The old "An explanation, an answer to a question, is backtracking" line.

OK! As you were!

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

• I can relate to that, I saw as a friend suggestion on FB someone who bullied me, as we have quite a few mutuals in common on there - saw her profile was a pic of her kid. Thought "let's hope you don't run into anyone at school who's a bitch like your mum”*

Yes, this was basically my thought logic just in a different form. It stems from me and the bully now being mothers, and my genuine hope that her daughter doesn’t turn out the be the same as her and inflict on children what her mother did to me (and probably many others). I also do really hope her little girl is never treated by anyone the way her mother treated me (and again likely many others).

With bullies kids I always wonder how they will react if their child starts to remind them of the people they bullied. Would some of the particularly vicious ones start bullying their own child?

I don't think the revenge you are thinking of exists... I was bullied at school... but equally thinking about some instances I too bullied others ...
Mainly cos I was have an awful time at home and school and had very very poor social skills ... whilst I didn't hit people or constantly demean them I wasn't always that nice to other's...

If I met someone and they brought it up I would apologise.... but I am such a different person now and probably was within a couple of weeks after leaving school it was that bad..
I also don't remember much about my last year or so there as it was crap..
I find it sad that you would call somebody names they were called at school years ago now your both old enough to be parents yourselves...
You don't have to engage with people you don't want to... but as you have changed and developed maybe she has as well..,
Maybe look at some counselling for yourself as you seem to be carrying a lot of anger around...

A lot of people change history in their minds too, minimise their part in things.

Happy sorted kids don’t bully. She has no idea of the impact on you, you have no idea what made her a bully. I totally understand the temptation to do something but it’s being driven by having not dealt with your experience.

You can’t change what happened. You can change how it affects you.

I was picked on as a child by some kids (although not relentlessly - some minor name-calling and being blanked/excluded). However, the experience has built up my character and I now specialise in behaviour in secondary schools. I don't have any desire to confront my bullies or to take any revenge. If I saw them, I will still treat them with courtesy (as that is how I am) although we wouldn't be best friends

I just wouldn't ever speak to her. Don't give her the reaction she wanted all those years ago. Leave her wondering why you walk away every time you see her. If she asks why you don't speak to her, just reply "I've got nothing to say to you". I'm if the mind, that cutting people like that out of your life is the best thing.

Some do!

A child at ds school was a very spoiled and indulged child - his dad was increasingly full of the magic of himself too. Very smug - very intelligent, rich, successful and self satisfied. Happy people - no skeletons (I knew the family quite well) but just very very self-satisfied with a superiority complex! The child enjoyed stirring it/teasing for the fun of it.