Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

@mancubsmama

The difficult with all the witty retorts type stuff is that it puts you back in the same mindset of having to somehow impress her, and gives her power over you. It reinforces that what she thinks and feels is important. It leaves you feeling vulnerable, and gives her another chance to hurt you, or for you to hurt yourself.

If you then fumble it, dont have a witty retort or she says something that "tops" it, then you will come away feeling like you've "lost" and generally rubbish.

Honestly not engaging/being distant makes you look better but will also help you feel better

You still are not coming across any better OP! You sound bitchy and very nasty, which is worse because you are an adult now

@ManCubsMama just to add (i forgot!). You dont need her approval

Dont open yourself up to it or give her the power again. All of the petty stuff is you giving her the power to make you feel rubbish

I was terribly bullied at school by one girl in particular. Now I'm quite good friends with her. She made my life an absolute misery, but I grew up and realise she's actually a very unhappy person. She's had a shit life as an adult (mainly brought on by herself), but she has mental health problems, has tried to kill herself, and I've supported her through it all.
Perhaps I'm a bit of a pushover, but you sound like a horrible person if I'm honest. I will guarantee I had a worse time than you from what you have said.
Why would you even consider bringing her child into it?

Gatr

If nothing else this thread has shown that the LAST thing this OP feels about herself is rubbish.

@INeedNewShoes So if you’re happy with your life, then I would say you are successful. Successful in that you have accomplished the things that to you are important in life. Is “successful” a bad word? Why would you be so reluctant to use it. This is becoming more of a debate re feminism and how SHOCK HORROR a woman can consider herself a success.. gasp!!

@ShebaShimmyShake ??? I didn’t say any of those things! How bizarre

[quote ManCubsMama]@INeedNewShoes So if you’re happy with your life, then I would say you are successful. Successful in that you have accomplished the things that to you are important in life. Is “successful” a bad word? Why would you be so reluctant to use it. This is becoming more of a debate re feminism and how SHOCK HORROR a woman can consider herself a success.. gasp!![/quote]
Stop trying to make your looks and money obsessed, 15 year old personal schoolgirl vendetta into a feminist issue.

I get it OP. It's not quite the same but I was bullied by my brother who was 10 years older than me. My parents were useless. They couldn't control the situation so tried to ignore it. Once he started hitting me and leaving marks (I was 5) well they couldn't ignore that as other people could see. So he got told off for once. Hurray!

Even now they are so incapable of facing any confrontation or disagreement in our family they would absolutely side with the abuser over the victim. Too challenging otherwise. All the same lines come out 30 years later (don't be over-sensitive etc). They were and are incapable of taking action to protect their children.

I'm sorry you were bullied. It's horrible when you realise the adults around you who should have stuck up for you, didn't. No wonder you feel so protective on your own DC - I do too.

@ShebaShimmyShake oh you’re really reaching now. I’ve said absolutely nothing that would imply I am “money obsessed”, nor did I call anyone a minger or the other things you’re quoting me of. Stop tainting this thread with your pointless trolling comments & leave it to those with some useful considerations.

@Gatr Very valid points, thank you

I admit to not having read all ten pages, but I do get all your feelings, OP. I was relentlessly bullied at school (and by some adults who should have known better). Yes, I do have fantasies about meeting some of them again and having done better at life. I think it’s extremely human to feel tempted to ‘out’ her, and it must have been beyond galling to have your mum say how lovely she seemed. I bet you wanted to scream ‘no she fucking well isn’t’. However, please don’t involve a little girl in this - I don’t think you plan to, I actually think this is something you’re exploring the feeling of? You may find it helpful to write down - absolutely uncensored - all your feelings about this person, no matter how ugly the feelings may be, and then have a ritual for yourself where you burn what you’ve written, or whatever you feel you need to do. The anger belongs with that young girl you once were, not with who you are today. Your bully might deeply regret her behaviour towards you, and she may not remember it - she may turn out to be as horrible now as then. Whatever she is, be the better person face to face. You know what you know.

I can understand this.
I was bullied at school and have often thought about what I would do if I ran into them. The fact is, many of them look about 10 years older then they actually are and have rubbish jobs. However, I remember reading when I was a teenager that the best revenge is to live an amazing life. I would hold my head high and whilst I can't forgive and forget (unless they acknowledged their behaviour), I would be civil but not make any attempt to be particularly polite.

[quote ManCubsMama]@ShebaShimmyShake oh you’re really reaching now. I’ve said absolutely nothing that would imply I am “money obsessed”, nor did I call anyone a minger or the other things you’re quoting me of. Stop tainting this thread with your pointless trolling comments & leave it to those with some useful considerations.[/quote]
You've said several times that you're prettier and more successful than she is. It's definitely based on looks and money, two things that any one of us could lose at any point. Stop trying to conflate our issues with your attempt to punch down 15 years later over looks and money with the feminist movement.

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread but you've dismissed it all as being from people who don't "get it". Do you want to live the rest of your charmed life trying to control what this person thinks of you? Aren't you too happy and successful for that?

The best revenge I had one one of my school bullies was completely accidental. They approached me when I was back in my home town and came to talk/gossip/god knows what and I had absolutely no clue who they were, didn't recognise the name or anything. She went off very deflated. I genuinely felt really guilty until one of my friends reminded me precisely who they were. I'd clearly lived in their mind for longer than they lived in mine.

oh i’d let her have it op. don’t say anything to her child though.

i know someone who’s son was beaten up quite badly and paid the local scumbag kid 20 quid to meet the bully on his way home from school!

I know it’s horrible being bullied but that’s whole lot of poison and vitriol to hold on to and imagine saying those things to a virtual stranger , you have no idea what she has been through or what kind of person she is now and saying stuff to her daughter is a pretty low blow . Just live your life well .

Op, you are being ridiculous. There is a difference between a woman being happy with a life she has and considering herself successful and one that boasts about her looks and money by comparing herself to her old school bully and suggesting bullying that woamsn child. Don't make this a feminist issue when it isn't one, you seem to think looks and money are a measure of success for everyone--they aren't.

Also, nobody is offended by you. We just think it's quite sad that you can't seem to move on and need validation in the form of belittling your old school bully, you didn't even consider yourself bullied until recently. I actually think you may have a self esteem issue.

Clearly a lot of the posters on here were and STILL ARE bullies themselves, and have no idea of the harm they caused and are still causing. Look at the language you've used against the OP, and all the vile things and piling abuse on someone who was harmed as a child - things you're saying whilst hiding behind your fake names. Would you say the same to someone who was sexually abused at school, even if they were gloating about the downfall of their abuser? Speaking from bitter experience, having been raped at school and bullied, I can tell you without question that the harm done by the bullying was far far longer lasting that the rape.

(I completely disagree with the idea of saying something to the bully's child, but I completely understand why the OP would want to).

Wow imagine being such an utter fantasist. And ooh, such an ego, such a bitch, very nasty, and you are is worse because you are an adult now etc etc etc.

STOP and think about where OP is coming from. It is really easy to see which posters were badly bullied at school, probably for lengthy periods of time, most of secondary. They / we may disgree with what OP has said but understand the motivation behind it.

And yes, this is a feminist issue. One woman has a hiostoiry of being a bully as a child. One woman has a history of being bullied as a child. Both women robably still have issues stemming from their childhood and yet... the one we are told acted poorly is being defended, some posters ahve even conjectured she was the real victim and OP was / is the real bully!

Why, oh women of Mumsnet, do you feel the need to pile onto a woman who is only now coming to terms with a bully?

You know the impact bullying has, why dismiss it so eagerly, so vehemently? I am guessing that many of you have some visceral reaction to OPs imagining, her comparing herself to her ex bully. But why?

As I said earlier, she is just vocalising what the phrase THE BEST REVENGE IS A LIFE WELL LIVED and a few childish fantasies of revenge, which she has said are just that, fantasies (although I see some of you have decideid that's just backtracking cos the lying bully of an OP is, erm lying).

What OP has posted is fairly fucking normal for someone who has been bullied as she describes.

Instead of castigating her have a think... how will you make sure your own child is never on either end of that bully / bullied equation? How will you make sure that your own posting doesn't stray into a pile on? Because from here some of you need to take a step back!

WhatWill

This isn’t gloating about something karmic that has happened upon the bully by chance though. That would be totally understandable. This is written as bullying itself with the sole intention of humiliating and belittling this person to get revenge. She may have been harmed as a child but it was by a child, and the woman now should be either given the chance to apologise or acknowledge her actions, or left to her own devices.

By no means am I saying the OP should ‘get over it’ but I gave advice based on my own experience and others did the same. OP doesn’t want to hear that though, she wants this person to be belittled and humiliated by her hand and by the sounds of it, nothing else will do.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Perhaps I'm a bit of a pushover, but you sound like a horrible person if I'm honest.

No pushover, you sound like a very well balanced and healthy person.

Bullies so often have turbulent home lives and issues don't they? I think they're envious of the people who are secure and try to chip away at that out of jealousy, when they'd actually do better to have those sorts of people as friends.

Samphire is delicious in my opinion.

Especially in gin, I found

Youknowthe impact bullying has, why dismiss it so eagerly, so vehemently

I've seen very very few posts on here dismissing the bullying. In my very first post and others, I spent a fair bit of time acknowledging it and noting that OP has every right to be damaged by it and remember it. Most people do understand that it was a horrible experience at a formative time.

What I am criticising, along with most others, is OP's planned method of dealing with it as an adult in the here and now, 15 years later. Especially as even she sees reasons why the other child (child, remember) might have acted as she did.

And it doesn't reflect well when so much of the focus is not on what the girl did back then, but how she looks and lives now compared to the OP.