Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

Haven’t RTFT (but I will) but wow!, bringing her kid into it is bullying behaviour in itself but hey, you’re slim and attractive and successful and your husband is fit, yadda, yadda so I guess that’s ok.
What a ridiculous post.

@SerenityNowwwww

Some do!

A child at ds school was a very spoiled and indulged child - his dad was increasingly full of the magic of himself too. Very smug - very intelligent, rich, successful and self satisfied. Happy people - no skeletons (I knew the family quite well) but just very very self-satisfied with a superiority complex! The child enjoyed stirring it/teasing for the fun of it.

Spoiled and indulged with a father who was full of his own importance does not create a happy sorted child.

It's not worth it. I got picked on by a right horrible cow in year nine when I was year seven. For two years I counted down her leaving. She threw stones at me. Called me names. Intimidated me. Then I found out in year 11 she had bullied loads of us. She was standing at the school gates waiting for her cousin. Everyoblne started shouting chinny out the window to her because had a big chin. I never told my parents either until I got older.

My partner was bullied massively. He sat on the wrong seat on the bus. The school bully asked him to move. He said no. That lad then bullied him for years along with his friends. They got year sevens to kick him when he was 16. They threatened to push him in dykes. One followed him around a field when he was walking his dog. Got him in a headlock and punched him three times in the head. He ended up unable to talk through the trauma. He had speech therapy. He ended up doing martial arts for fun. He is working in security and a real popular guy now in his 30s. Alot of people are fond of him. Companies always want him to work for them. He's good looking. He's an amazing dad to our kids. He's a really kind decent fair person. His life is great. He has friends now. He still talks about what happened to him. It has affected his whole life. But he is doing good at life.

I wouldn't waste your energy on her. I would focus on everything you have now that you love. Job, home, kids, friends, holidays and forget it. They were nasty kids. But she is. Mother herself now and probably regrets her choice.

As is usual when such posts are made, there is such a leap to condemn the initial lashng out of an OP, to defend the one time bully.

Well, I don't think "make peace and move on" is the same thing as defending the bully, even if one disagrees with that as an approach. But in this particular case, I think some of the key points are
a) the bully was a child at the time, b) even OP says that she took stick at school for some physical feature that apparently still exists now and thinks it was a cause of the bullying and c) again by OP's account, if there is such a thing as cosmic justice, it appears to have been meted out: OP is so much richer, prettier and more loved up. She's now in the better position and she's a grown up. So what should she do?

OP also hasn't really helped herself by thinking about bringing the woman's five year old into it or making such a focus on looks and money. If OP were facing financial ruin because of Covid, or hadn't lost her baby weight, would that make a difference? Will the bully suddenly "win" if OP develops acne or alopecia? Why does any of this matter? It's nothing to do with trying to bring down women with strong self esteem, it's just about weaponising looks and money when they really aren't the issue.

In fact, you know.... I've just reread the OP and if we're going to talk about unkind thoughts and tone, how does this really read to most people?

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her...

she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful...

I mean, if we're going to cut adult OP some slack over these unworthy words because she was bullied, why wouldn't we do the same for a child who we know also had issues with being bullied, especially if, unlike OP, she doesn't appear to have defeated them?

With bullies kids I always wonder how they will react if their child starts to remind them of the people they bullied. Would some of the particularly vicious ones start bullying their own child?

In my experience, they just start posting on social media about how awful bullies are and what cowards they are, conveniently forgetting that they were bullies too!

Absolutely speak to her about it but try and be aware that actually she might have grown up and become a decent person now. Or she might not. I suppose you wouldn’t know until you spoke to her. I definitely wouldn’t bring her child into the discussion or use any form of bullying on her.

I went to a school reunion about 10 years ago and got chatting to a guy who didn’t remember me. I told him I remembered him because he’d made a throwaway but hurtful comment about me that I’d always remembered. He was mortified and so ashamed of himself. Told me he’d been very insecure at school without any real friends so was always trying to make people laugh without thinking about the brunt of the jokes. He was honestly really apologetic and I left the reunion thinking what a nice guy he’d turned into!

I think everyone daydreams of what they would say or do in this scenario. I was so humiliated & bitter for yrs at 2 girls that bullied me. They were so awful. However, lovely karma did me well. I never said a word to those girls. I'm now in a position I know all about their lives. I literally cant tell a soul & never would but the fact they know that I know how shit their lives are gives me so much satisfaction. Keep the higher ground & don't say anything. You know your better & that's all that matters.

OP standing up for yourself against a bully isn’t being a bully. Being a bully is picking on someone over and over. Making a comment to address past behaviour isn’t the same. It’s not like you’re going to follow her around calling her names, you have a right to address how she treated you, even if it was years ago. It shows you have the strength to say something now

Ironically this place can be so hostile towards women. It can be hostile towards everyone 😂

Also OP it's worth bearing in mind that being confident is a positive thing. However putting people down by saying how ugly they are/how unsuccessful they are compared to you isn't confidence. It's insecurity and/or mean.

having been raped at school and bullied, I can tell you without question that the harm done by the bullying was far far longer lasting that the rape. That's your experience but it's not everyones. I was raped by a family member and then by an ex. And gang raped when my (different) ex and his friends Over 100 times all together. I was bullied at school which was obviously awful but for me being raped affected me far longer and still does today. I actually think posting what you have is damaging as people who minimise rape may take an account like yours and apply it to their arguement. More people can relate to bullying because sadly it's very common. Rape is too but less so and it's less talked about.

Would you say the same to someone who was sexually abused at school, even if they were gloating about the downfall of their abuser? I wouldn't go up to their child and say "your father is a rapist. You won't be a rapist will you?" It wouldn't even enter my head to be cruel to a child to get to someone else no matter what they had put me through.

All I would say to her is " I hope your daughter never gets bullied the way you bullied me at school, and is never made to feel the way I felt for so long" and leave it at that. I couldn't not say anything at all- bullying stays with you,and maybe you would get some closure if you say something.
Don't bring her child into it though- not necessary.

Or you could pretend you've forgotten her entirely....and just be very, very wary around her or mentions of her until you know how the land lies. It's possible she's grown up since school or at least learned to hide things better.

(Saying this as someone who was bullied pretty much every day from the age of 4 until I reached 6th form. It definitely had an effect on my self-esteem and self-belief. It also made me super-sarcastic as that was just about the only weapon I had in my arsenal at the time. It took me a while to learn, when I went on to higher education and then the workplace, that not everyone was out to get me. One day all of my bullies are probably all going to turn up in the future best selling range of crime novels I have planned out in my head...So is the evil ex, mind you, and some of the utterly, truly, batsh*t crazy managers I've had.)

IF, and only if, your parents should mention her and her parents if they come into contact, just mention in passing that she wasn't the delightful little angel people thought she was. I would do my best not to bring the child into it though.

I got picked on literally right through school, badly by most of the kids name calling because I had goofy teeth and I’m dyslexic so any old reason really to make me feel crappier than I did anyway. The teachers made me look even thicker than I thought I was and singled me out so that didn’t help. Then going up to secondary school where 4 schools combined was hell. Kids I didn’t know shouted nasty names at me in my garden - I was on the route home from school I was kicked, hair pulled you name it. School knew exactly what was going on but didn’t bother. I had 1 friend and even she pretended not to be as they’d start on her for being friends with me. So I left school a mouse, no self esteem and deeply unhappy with some qualifications. Not enough to do what I wanted to do but I went to college made some pals. I had surgery on my jaw and got into nursing. Things got better then I moved away had a son and saw those people who bullied me when I went home and it was like nothing had happened.

But I didn’t say anything or confront anyone, because it was done, it really affected me & it affects everyone differently but I was happy and settled and I had some confidence I had more kids and I’m nursing and happy. I think it’s personal choice about confronting bullies I’m not sure what I’d get out of it tbh it wouldn’t make me feel better, you have to think, what do you want to gain from confrontation will you feel at peace will you get answers
I don’t think you will i think you’ll feel shit and it’ll bring it all back up, more so than seeing her will have done already. But only one person can make that call, it’s a hard one because it’s so emotive. Take care of yourself op and o hope you make the right decision for you

@Kaykay066 sorry for what you went through xx

This thread's really grown. Sorry I don't have time to read it all.

Some points jumped out at me, especially @Kaykay066's posts, and I wanted to add a fellow rape-victim's voice to what she says. I'm so sorry you've been through this PP as I know fine well the harm rape can do. I was a victim of gang rape at 15. It was a one-off, although I've also endured many lower-level instances of sexual assault or abuse, including being stalked twice, the psychological equivalent. I ended up in 18 months' worth of EMDR therapy for cPTSD, having become seriously ill with the symptoms of that condition but without a clue that I was so seriously traumatised.

These things can and do catch up with people at a much later stage, however strenuously you reject the idea of letting it affect you. I was also a victim of systematic and systemic bullying at secondary school: systemic because two of the teachers decided it would be fun to join in, too. If so-called 'authority' figures as well as kids were treating me as some kind of freak - drawing cruel, explicit diagrams of me on their blackboards - then it MUST have been something to do with me and my failings, right? (Imagine the trouble I could have got them into; to this day I don't understand why I didn't tell my parents). But all that pales into insignificance in comparison to the experience of being raped. And the bullying I experienced was pretty bad.

As to the best revenge is to live well it's trite as sin and cliched to the nth degree, but cliches become cliches because they're true. The maxim that bullies are insecure or act from the feeling of their own inadequacy has to have mileage in it. Look at all those bully-victims who grow up to report how much better their lives have turned out than their bullies. PP is one. I'm another. You already have all the 'revenge' you need against such people, because you're you, and they're them.

I get that it's great to fantasise about confronting hateful bullies later in life and seeing how they feel when the boot's on the other foot. I agree that this wasn't framed as fantasy in the OP. But I reached a stage, not even sure when that was, of not actually being arsed to do something like that anymore. Would this make the bullies appear/feel any worse, or me better? Would I want a feeling of power through making someone else feel humiliated as I once did?

No, of course not. Why would anyone turn themselves into something they despise just to get revenge? They're them; that's their way of going through life; leave them to it. I'm me. And I'm pretty happy with that.

Do it OP! My bully looks like a drug addict, has no job and is a single mum with 5 kids. Makes me feel fabulous.

Don't involve an innocent child, that's just wrong.

Simply roundhouse your former bully in the norks, then depart, looking smug.