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AIBU?

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Original poster

Opportunity to confront my school bully

294 replies

ManCubsMama · 22/07/2020 08:24

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 22/07/2020 08:50

This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels
So she was bullied herself, bullied you and you can't wait to be in a position to bully her again?

You're beautiful and she isn't? You sound lovely. Hopefully she's grown up and will just pity you.

Pollypocket89 · 22/07/2020 08:51

You think it's OK to essentially 'bully' a very little girl because her mother was mean to you? Can you not see how disgusting even posting that as a suggestion is?

teablanket · 22/07/2020 08:52

Absolutely inappropriate and unreasonable to even consider dragging her poor child into this. You don't have to be best friends with the woman, but there's an awful lot of middle ground between the two extremes.

MrsAJ27 · 22/07/2020 08:52

From your post you sound like a horrible person that thinks they are better than others.

I don't doubt you were treated badly whilst at school, but grow up ffs.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/07/2020 08:52

How awful Confused. OP what is the logic of this? You want an adult to feel bad for the fact they weren't very nice to you when they were a child? You want everyone do really around you and turn on her because you didn't get that as a child? It won't happen.

To speak to her child that way is appalling and you clearly would be better off seeking counselling to deal with how the childhood bullying has affected you and continues to impact on your life to the point you are rapturously waiting for chances to 'get your own back' so much you see upsetting a child for your own gain as an 'opportunity'. Bullying is no small thing, and there is no shame in having been deeply affected by it but you won't achieve anything by looking to her to validate how you feel years later. You will be the one making choices as an adult to bully someone else.
She may not even remember it, and- like most adults- has a full personality that has very little to do with something they did at school once.

Sorry to say but you'll likely just embarrass yourself, and 'outing' her to her child to deal with your own spite will reflect badly on you Speak privately with her if you must, take responsibility for your own issues and seek to move on from them for your own sake.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/07/2020 08:52

OP, I think most of us have experience of some kind of school bullying and yours does sound horrible and you've every right to be affected by it. But attempting to humiliate the person 15 years later in front of her children isn't the solution.

She was a kid too, and by your own account you have some understanding of how she came to be the person she was. Are you the same person now as 15 years ago? Adolescence is horrible and sadly there are too many parents who make it worse. She was horrible to you, and she probably should have known better, but she was a kid with her own problems too. After 15 years, you need to make peace with it. A grown woman attempting to use a five year old to avenge a 15 year old playground injustice is honestly worse than a stupid adolescent being stupid. You don't have to forget it but you have to make peace with it.

Anyway, you say you're now demonstrably prettier, richer, more successful and happier than she is. Presumably she'll notice too, so what more do you want? Why isn't that enough?

Don't "play it" any way. It's ancient adolescent history, not Game of Thrones. You don't need to be friends, just be civil on the occasions you have to see her. It's for you even more than her. This shouldn't be consuming you all these years later, especially if you're as successful now as you say you are.

I say all this as someone who was always being insulted at school for my looks, bookishness and the rest of it. I've met some of them as adults and honestly, I truly bear no ill will. They're not the same people now and I'm not going to judge someone forever on their 15 year old self. I was a monstrous twat back then too, in other ways.

JRUIN · 22/07/2020 08:54

You sound nice Confused

HandbagDog · 22/07/2020 08:55

Neither of your planned scenarios are likely to give you the slightest satisfaction or feeling of resolution — assuming that’s what you want from an encounter. How long ago was the school bullying? It’s perfectly possible she either does not remember, or was being so badly treated herself (as you suggest) by others that you are a minor half-forgotten detail in her personal drama.

Nitpickpicnic · 22/07/2020 08:56

Be careful you don’t hand your bully even more power by saying and doing these (frankly slightly unhinged) things.

Having fantasies about what you’d do or say as an adult to your bully-of-old is one thing. Perhaps even normal and cathartic. Actually doing them shows everyone how little you’ve moved on in maturity.

The bully bit is on them, let karma deal with them. The ‘moving on’ bit is on you.

I’d go with ‘distracted’ when you see her. Feel free to get her name wrong, and furrow your brow if someone brings up the school connection. ‘Oh no, I’m sure Debbie was a year below me...no? And didn’t she/you have to leave in xx Form for some reason? No? It’s all so long ago, who remembers anyone but their friends anymore. Even the bullies are a blur.’ Add a Hard Stare, by all means, if you must.

crumpet · 22/07/2020 08:57

Fantasising about getting your own back is one thing. But think about the reality. You’re in a good place in your life, why would you want to upset a little girl, or place your parents (and the bully’s parent) in a position of discomfort when they live close to each other and socialise together?

Icy politeness, kindness to her little girl, and the satisfaction that you are happy in your life is the way forward. If she tries to bring up school days, you could brush it off and change the subject (if she persists is when you could mention that it’s interesting how some people could have behaved like little toads in their school days and grow up into reasonable human beings...😄)

Laaalaaaa · 22/07/2020 08:57

This reply has been deleted

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Bluesheep8 · 22/07/2020 08:57

You both sound as bad as each other. Although, you’re an adult, so worse.

Quite simply, this.

AccountAntsy · 22/07/2020 08:59

Let it go. And for the love of god don’t go saying things to her daughter, why would you do that? How horrible for that child.

GnomeDePlume · 22/07/2020 08:59

What are you hoping to achieve? Make her feel bad now because you felt bad in the past?

I think that most people who bully dont recognise that what they did was bullying. Teenagers are often not the best at empathy.

Are you sure that none of your own behaviour at the same age hasnt impacted someone else? How would you feel if someone verbally attacked you for things you did in the distant past which you dont now remember? Humiliated, confused, upset?

What if you havent remembered as clearly as you think you have? If you have got a couple of people confused in hindsight?

You slapped me when were in year 8
Err.. who are you? I didnt join that school until year 10

Our memories are seldom perfect even when we think they are.

GrannyBags · 22/07/2020 08:59

I think you need help to work through what happened and how it still affects you. Most girls suffered some sort of bullying by other girls at school but most people would not entertain the thought of bringing a 5 year old child into their plan for revenge.

SummerHouse · 22/07/2020 09:00

Just be nice. No better way to teach children not to be a bully.

LonginesPrime · 22/07/2020 09:00

I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

WTF, OP?

You have children but think treating a child like this is acceptable?

YouJustDoYou · 22/07/2020 09:00

I can't believe you'd actually tell a 5 year old that. What's wrong with you?

PicklePig31 · 22/07/2020 09:06

Urm your post is awful. It has a bigger, resentful tone that sounds like bullying itself.

Head held high, no spiteful comments and sweetness and light to her and her daughter. Being happy is the best revenge.

I say this as someone who had experiences similar to yours and who sees them as the motivation to be a success in life.

NoSauce · 22/07/2020 09:11

You don’t sound that great yourself tbf.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 22/07/2020 09:12

I think an adult bullying a child like you intend to is much worse than children bullying children.

I was bullied as a child. If I've seen any of them I've been the same to them as to anyone else. Because we're adults. I'm a different person than when I was a child and I'm sure they are too.

Bobbiepin · 22/07/2020 09:12

This can't be real? I feel sorry for you OP. Move on with your life.

I was badly bullied in school. I have nothing to say to those people. I have a great life now and that's more than enough.

PicklePig31 · 22/07/2020 09:12

Bitter* not bigger

implantsandaDyson · 22/07/2020 09:12

Christ I swear some people live their life like it's a tv show.
Why are you giving this so much headspace? Just ignore her if you meet, or just nod and move on. To be honest in my experience people that are successful with a "good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc" don't really give this kind of revenge much thought certainly not to the point of directing it at a five year old child.

Isitbedtimeyet4 · 22/07/2020 09:14

You need to grow up and move on. Becoming a bully yourself won’t solve anything and you’ll just look petty and cruel if you bring her poor DC into this.
Read your OP back to yourself, you can’t honestly think it seems reasonable?