Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

I was badly bullied at secondary school, to the point where I was scared to walk to/from school and got a bottle smashed over my head by her on a night out.

I couldn't wait to leave school and when I did I went to college and met the best group of friends. I then went on to uni and to complete a masters degree. She did none of those things.

I then got a job in helping schools to tackle bullying to try and help other people who were in my situation. I feel that carried much more power than confronting someone over something that happened years ago (25+) in my case, who is probably as bothered now as she was back then about what she did.

Use your power for good op, not to become the thing you hated.

A few years ago I worked with someone who had bullied me in school. She was one of the nicest work colleagues I have ever known. It never occurred to me to confront her and when we talked about school it was only ever positive. I am really glad I had the chance to spend time with her because it helped me realise that the bullying (which was probably quite mild) was not my fault but down to immaturity and silliness and she was a genuinely lovely person.

@TheyBrokeMe Yes, pretty much. Because why shouldn’t she be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable at looking me in the face and knowing she did wrong. That would be nothing compared to my endless days of fear of seeing her at school. This woman targeted and taunted me, and on occasions was directly violent or orchestrated violence and humiliation on me, when I was 13-16. Just for some context

I agree with what SallyWD said. She was a child then, albeit a horrible bully. She's likely a decent adult now. That said, I understand you fantasising about pulling her up for it. I think the greatest revenge would just be to hold your head up high, and be the person you've become. If she were to be put the the position of being alone with her, and conversation got on to 'what do you do' stuff, you could 'in passing' say that despite having a tough time in school you're very happy with your lot now. She'll know what she did at school. She'll remember

It sounds like they did such a number on you that the mere thought of them sends any modicum of logic and reason out the window.

You detest her for bullying you and your solution to this is to bully both her and her child in response. It doesn't make sense.

I can understand the rage you're experiencing, and the need for you to make her feel as horrible as she made you feel.

You may also feel angry that everyone else seems to like her, because in your mind, she's still that horrible teenager who made your life hell, so they don't know her like you know her, which is why you've got this urge to expose her.

Don't do it. You're all adults now. Be polite, confident, warm and friendly with everyone - and be a little cooler around her if you need to get your point across. If you are as better off than her as you say and she's still a horrible person then that will be more than enough to get even - without making you look undignified.

I'm sorry that happened to you, if you have only really acknowledged it as bullying maybe it will seem more recent than the actual time that has passed.
Hopefully you can just meet her as the person she is now and go from there. You can keep a bit of smugness in your back pocket that you have a life you like.

I’ve grown up to be a looker & she definitely hasn’t

Twice now you have commented on this woman’s appearance.

You are now the bully.

I was in a queue in my local Co-Op a few years ago back in the village I grew up in and somebody walked in who was never very nice to me and my friend about twenty five years ago.

They spotted me and I refused to make eye contact with them, it was like they wanted to talk. I have a long memory and only give people one chance

Bullying definitely affects many of us as adults.

I’ve been reading into it recently as I don’t really talk to other women whatsoever for fear of getting mass bullied.

Definitely read into how it affects your mind as an adult.

I totally get you wanting to protect your children at school from that experience.

One of my childs nannies home schooled her children for that very reason.

To add, I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds like it was a complete and utter nightmare.

People always remember when they were victims of bullying but seldom remember if they were a perpetrator.

Unkind words hurt the victim but to the perpetrator those words were a momentary joke, gone in a moment. Does everybody remember every jokey comment they have made, every snide remark?

The same can be said for even some physical bullying. A shove or a push which seemed funny at the time to the perpetrator or maybe was hardly noticed. The victim notices and of course it gets added to the hurt. But does everyone remember every incidence where they bumped into somebody and maybe sent them flying?

Call someone out for bullying as a teenager years after the event at your peril lest your own actions get called out.

Tell me some of the stuff you fantasise isn’t farfetched! Farfetched? Yes. Involving small children? No.

Well you dont sound particularly pleasant. Maybe just act like you dont know/remember her and start afresh?

WWYD?

Sack it off, sounds like a hassle

Erm yabu! Why on earth would you tell her child mummy was a bully? That would just make you a bully. It was so many years ago, move on and grow up.

@bee222 That’s not bullying. Saying it to her would be bullying, I wouldn’t do that ... she has eyes

OP speaking as someone who has been there and who gets it I think you need to have no contact with your old bullies whatsoever. You have to think about your own mental health and protect it by keeping these people out of your life.

I'm lucky, I don't live where I grew up so I don't have much risk of encountering anyone from then but I do feel a bit on edge if I go to the shops or park when visiting. I reckon staying calm if you do encounter them and politely telling them you don't want to speak to them is best. Accept you aren't going to be able to say anything to them that will make you feel better.

[quote ManCubsMama]@TheyBrokeMe Yes, pretty much. Because why shouldn’t she be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable at looking me in the face and knowing she did wrong. That would be nothing compared to my endless days of fear of seeing her at school. This woman targeted and taunted me, and on occasions was directly violent or orchestrated violence and humiliation on me, when I was 13-16. Just for some context[/quote]
No woman did any of those things to you. Another child of the same age did.

You don't have to like her or forget it but dear God you are going to have to make peace with it somehow because the child who did those things no longer exists. You say you're much prettier and richer and happier than she is now and that should be obvious to her too so...what more do you want?

OP you either lived in fear of her or didn’t realise it was that bad, it can’t really be both surely.

Definitely live your best life and let that do the talking.

I've grown up to be a looker and she hasn't bloody hell it gets worse, you sound as bad as her, and as for speaking to her young child even though you said you wouldn't is just awful, why do you "fantasize" about hurting a young child? I was kind of with you until I read that.

Every time someone says/posts "Oooh! You should let it go, think about why they acted like that, be the bigger person" are missing the point and adding to the conflict. All bullied kids are told to set aside their fear, their bruises, their abject misery and to 'be the bigger person'. Well sorry to break it to you, but the bigger person is beating the shit out of your kid, physically and emotionally! You have no idea the damage those words to do a developing child. How much that sticks with you as a defining personality trait! EVERYONE is more important than the bullied kid, as an adult that remains, be small, be forgiving, be supportive at any cost or we will castigate you.

I was bullied at school to the point where I was suicidal. 30 years later I still have bouts of depression that are in large part because of what happened there. At the time my parents told me to rise above it and ignore the bullies. It was indeed shit advice that just got me bullied more. What actually worked, in the short term sense of making the bullies back off, was hitting them so hard they knew they'd get seriously hurt if they took me on.

As an adult, in the long term, that really isn't the right answer at all. As an adult, I can rise above it. When I encounter the bullies now, I pretty much ignore them. For all we can play out revenge fantasies in our heads, we cannot control what will happen if we attempt to act them out. Your bully might not remember you, or might fall into the same pattern and evoke the same emotion, or you might find that others side with your bully. You cannot control them. You can control yourself though. You can rise up, walk away, and just get on with your life. You're not stuck with them any more.

The reason people say the best revenge is a life well lived is because that is the part you can control the most. You cannot control what your bullies do. You can leave them behind and try to minimise their effect on you.

OP which is it - you didn't realise you were being bullied, or you were bullied very violently?? Your statements are a bit contradictory.

If you think your life and looks are far better than hers now, then just sit back and be smug. I think meeting her will probably be quite anti-climactic if you're building it up like this.

Living well is the best revenge. I think if you say something it would be extremely embarrassing to your parents and potentially have a knock on negative effect on their social life! If you really want to get back at her be over the top nice and pretend you don't remember any of it, maybe a few stealth brags about how great your life is and if you really want to lay it on a head tilt and a sympathetic smile after one of these brags and a "so how about you (name)?" Watch the Friendface episode of the It Crowd with Jen meeting with an old school friend, you're the old school friend in this situation. Alternatively just let it go!

@MilerVino

Every time someone says/posts "Oooh! You should let it go, think about why they acted like that, be the bigger person" are missing the point and adding to the conflict. All bullied kids are told to set aside their fear, their bruises, their abject misery and to 'be the bigger person'. Well sorry to break it to you, but the bigger person is beating the shit out of your kid, physically and emotionally! You have no idea the damage those words to do a developing child. How much that sticks with you as a defining personality trait! EVERYONE is more important than the bullied kid, as an adult that remains, be small, be forgiving, be supportive at any cost or we will castigate you.

I was bullied at school to the point where I was suicidal. 30 years later I still have bouts of depression that are in large part because of what happened there. At the time my parents told me to rise above it and ignore the bullies. It was indeed shit advice that just got me bullied more. What actually worked, in the short term sense of making the bullies back off, was hitting them so hard they knew they'd get seriously hurt if they took me on.

As an adult, in the long term, that really isn't the right answer at all. As an adult, I can rise above it. When I encounter the bullies now, I pretty much ignore them. For all we can play out revenge fantasies in our heads, we cannot control what will happen if we attempt to act them out. Your bully might not remember you, or might fall into the same pattern and evoke the same emotion, or you might find that others side with your bully. You cannot control them. You can control yourself though. You can rise up, walk away, and just get on with your life. You're not stuck with them any more.

The reason people say the best revenge is a life well lived is because that is the part you can control the most. You cannot control what your bullies do. You can leave them behind and try to minimise their effect on you.

I do actually agree that as it's happening, slapping back if you're able to do so COULD be a good move. I did that too and yes, it was the only thing that worked. Not all kids can. I wouldn't berate anyone who didn't.

But that was then and this is now. This is 15 years later, everyone's changed and nothing is happening in the present. OP needs to be sure she doesn't become the thing she hates, because it's much worse as an adult who knows they're punching down.

@AragornsManlyStubble

Well, the good news is it didn’t affect your ego!

Op, if this is real (and your gleeful arrogance is really making me question it), you need to let go of the spite and bitterness. Everybody changes a lot as they grow and school is a horrible experience for many children.

Let it go, get over it and stop being so bitter about a minor thing (that you couldn't even remember!) That happened years ago. Get on with your life.