Opportunity to confront my school bully

[ManCubsMama]

I never considered myself bullied as I just thought certain scenarios where just part of growing up/I happened to encounter some unpleasant kids. But when I look back on it I can see I was targeted, taunted and treated very nastily ie I was spat on, once I was slapped round the face. This was all by a group of girls, sometimes boys, older than me.

I might soon have the opportunity to confront on of them group that bullied me, around 15 years later. We’re all grown up now, her parents have moved down the road to my parents and they Mix socially ie drink in the same pub (before lockdown), attend BBQs/garden drinks together. My parents have no knowledge of how this girl acted when we were at school and on meeting her a few times think she’s nice enough and that her 5yo daughter is very sweet.

Eventually I’ll cross paths with this girl when I’m with my parents in the pub or I see her on their road or something. Question is.. how do I play it? I am envisioning calling her out point blank in front of her own family with a simple “you werent very nice to me in school” and seeing her reaction. I’m half tempted to go one further and say to her daughter “your mummy was a bully at school, you won’t be a bully will you”

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels. As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc. So I really feel like I should bloody go in there and hold my head high and how her that I made something of myself whereas she hasn’t.

The main thing is that we both now have children, and the thought of anyone treating my child how I was at school gives me the worst anxiety. I also do bloody think she deserves to look me in the eye, know what she did was wrong and yeah - shamefully, look at me and feel bad about herself.

WWYD?

She probably doesn’t give a shit about what she did.
Get over it and move on. You sound deranged talking about speaking to her kid.

I bumped into someone as an adult who bullied one of my friends when we were teenagers. We chatted in a parent-and-child group, talked about our jobs and she was a police office on maternity leave. She seemed lovely and a bit familiar to me. I went home and put her name and face together and realised who it was (I did not have much contact with her as she lived near my friend and I had not seen her that often). I don't know how I would have felt and acted if I had realised at the time.

My DD was off to school so I only went back to the group a couple of times after that and didn't see her, but my point is that I took her at face value of who she is as an adult, not what she did as a child and on reflection that was the best way to be.

Well, the good news is it didn’t affect your ego!

Hahaha, spot on.

I also get the not realising you are being bullied. Secondary schools can be very toxic environments where you just see all sorts of behaviour as normal that you'd never consider tolerating in a workplace.

I'll get shit for "teacher bashing" but I found that if you told the teachers they were sympathetic the first time but if it kept happening they'd start to blame you, even seen some examples of that victim blaming on here.

Wow imagine being such an utter fantasist.

School bullying destroys lives. Easy for some to say move on. Call her out OP, actions have consequences. Too often we just accept the bullying just part of childhood and it absolutely should not be. Call the Marty piece of work out for what she is.

I think if it is something that has seriously affected you and has had a lasting impact then bring it up but I really wouldnt in the way you've written it. I also certainly wouldnt bring the child into it, that's really unfair.

I would possibly go down the lines of "I havent seen you since school! it's great to see you - hopefully we can create some happier memories then we had back then!" breezy but gets the point across that you remember her treatment of you then.

bullying sucks though and I do get the anger that is still there. I had a boyfriend who treated me really badly in my teen years and I sometimes fantasise about calling him out on his behaviour so can relate to wanting someone to acknowledge what they did to you, even if it is years down the line.

As an aside, she is not the most fortunate looking person, whereas I consider myself good looking, slim and unlike her I am successful - good job, nice house, nice car, attractive husband etc.

Wtf? You sound like a lovely person.

The advice I would give you is to not waste your time on someone who bullied you or was horrible to you. I wouldn't waste my breath or time thinking about her. She is nothing to you. Seriously, move on.

Every time someone says/posts "Oooh! You should let it go, think about why they acted like that, be the bigger person" are missing the point and adding to the conflict.
But why waste your life dwelling on someone who was horrible and giving her head space?

OP you either lived in fear of her or didn’t realise it was that bad, it can’t really be both surely.

It can be because whilst things are happening you normalise them. I was suicidal as a teenager but that was normal for me. I thought the way I was treated was a natural outcome of who I was and what a dreadful person I was. It was only when I had a breakdown in my 30s and talked to psychiatrists about my experiences at school that I realised how unhealthy the whole thing had been. I described what had happened as normal childhood stuff. They pointed out that some of it amounted to psychological torture and wasn't normal at all, but when you're young and in the thick of it you don't know any better.

Call her out OP, actions have consequences

Such as what? Having a moan at her and calling her a bully. You really think she will give a shit? Hardly a consequence is it.

Honestly? Both of those plans make you come across as a bully. Which is never a good look, but especially not after 15 years.

You don't have to like her. You don't even have to speak to her. If it makes you that uncomfortable, excuse yourself. Alternatively, you could try and talk to her privately and lay the ghost to rest. Chances are she might have reflected on her behaviour and realise just how godawful she was to you.

Finally, please don't say anything incendiary around her daughter. She's a total innocent in all of this and doesn't deserve the upset.

Resentment is poison that you drink yourself and expect it to affect someone else.

Get over it. She might be a thoroughly decent grown up now, she may be embarrassed at what she did to you, she may not even remember you but unless you let it go you will never feel any better.

About 3yrs after I finished school my school ended up dating my OH's friend. In the beginning I was totally intimidated by the whole situation and she would throw out "remember X, Y or Z from school?" and tell amusing stories about school but leaving out her bullying me of course.
I became a ball of anxiety whenever we were out with them, and one night I lost it, in the middle of the pub and rounded on her saying we had NEVER been friends, how she'd bullied me, made school a misery for me for a full year, that I still felt sick every time I saw her. She looked in complete shock like she had no idea what I was on about, luckily OH backed me, he knew about her but didn't realise she was my bully..........I should have said it sooner but I was still terrified of her, but even now 25yrs later I'm still glad I let loose on her.
Weather she'd matured, found the error of her ways or whatever she had still made my school life HELL and I'm still getting over how her bullying affected me.

Just leave it and move on.

I recently found out (my family tried to spare my feelings due to deep rooted trauma due to bullying) that my brother’s soon to be BIL is in a long-term relationship with my school bully. She made my life a living hell for years, to the point I wouldn’t leave my house and my hair started falling out. She physically assaulted me more than once and she turned a horrible group of girls against me so they also physically and verbally abused me. It was awful and impacted me horribly.

It turns out I will have to face her for the first time in fifteen years at my brother’s wedding next year. I certainly have no plans to ‘confront’ her and, frankly, she would need balls the size of Texas to even look my way on the day.

I stalked her on facebook and, based on her posts, she is still awful. Aggressive, fishwife-y posts about ‘kicking fuck out of’ anyone who looks at her kids the wrong way, etc. Her life looks like my idea of hell so I’ll avoid her on the day and take comfort in the fact that my life has turned out really well despite her feral behaviour back then.

She may take the wind out of your sails by getting an apology in first

Op I'm glad you said you wouldn't really say that to a child, because that would be absolutely hideous.
I was bullied at school and it DID really impact me and how I feel about myself into adulthood, however when I've met any of the perpetrators I mostly act like I don't really know them. If I've been forced to socialise with them I've been polite and reasonably friendly but distant.
I was bullied for my appearance and because I was shy and socially awkward. These days i've learned to mask nerves with confidence and I'm reasonably attractive. I also have an ok career so I feel like the best revenge I could have is to see that i've done better than them, I look better than them and I'm more likable than them.

A surprising number of posters who clearly don't get what the Op was talking about at all. Of course she has no intention of doing the things she's dreamt of doing, but most people would think about how they could get back at their bullies, doesn't mean they would do those things or actually become bullies themselves.

I think if you're one of the many posters on this thread making nasty, vicious comments to someone who is trying to come to terms with what happened to them, then you have little empathy and come across as quite thick.

Yes it is very easy to say you are all grown ups, you are the one being nasty now etc etc but despite it being over 30 years since I was bullied I can still remember very clearly how that felt and I will never ever forgive them and hope they rot in hell, or at the very least have very shit lives

For everyone gleefully jumping on OP now imagine how you are making her feel

@NameChange84

I was horrendously bullied at school.

I’d be the better person, like I always was.

Kind, gracious, confident, cool as a cucumber, impeccably mannered...

Just think what you’ve basically said on here...you consider yourself Higher Status than her right? So act High Status.

The most horrible I’d be tempted to be would be a bit patronising.

The nastier you are to her, the less guilty she will feel for what she did. A lot of adults feel mortified about the bullying as adults, as they should.

I’ve had a scenario as adults where someone said in the presence of a bully...

“oh didn’t you two go to school together?”

And I’ve just replied before they could get a word in,

“We did. I was badly bullied at St Matthews. I don’t think Emily particularly liked me. Anyway, we’re adults now.”

And just watched Emily squirm. Honestly, it’s the best form of vindication.

Please don’t involve a small child. That’s not ok.

I think @NameChange84 has put it well there, say that 🙌🏻

Saying to her child would make you worse than her, calling her names (although I can understand Why you would want too) will make you look like the bully to anyone else who hears it.

OP I can understand entirely how you feel, I’ve been bullied to a lesser extent than you, mainly words that still hurt me now. Even though I know the comments they made were probably forgotten about by them long ago, they have stayed with me. I often think of what I would like to say to these people if I saw them again. I think pretending I don’t recognise them and making them explain how they know me at length always makes me smile at the thought! I like to think I would then say something that would really make them feel like shit after that, but as another poster said rehearsed bollockings often don’t go to plan!

I think your comments about saying something to the bully’s daughter is awful (I’m glad you would never do this) and making comments about how good you look. This is where some people have turned against you on this thread. But I can tell that you are saying these things because what happened has hurt you, quite understandably.

As others have suggested I would consider counselling to help you to work through these feelings now they have resurfaced.

However, I wouldn’t be able to bump into this woman again and act like nothing has happened. If she was on her own I think I would try and be as calm as possible and call her out (politely and with dignity) on her bullying. So that she knows what she has done and she may even apologise. But beware this might not happen and you could end up feeling even worse about the whole thing.
Whatever happens think it through before you speak or act, as it could be very awkward for you if it goes wrong.

My other approach is to embarrass her by calling her the unfortunate nickname she had at school (on reflection, despite being popular she got a fair bit of stick at school and I wonder if that’s why she became a bully herself). This would put me in a position of power of her by mortifying her and giving her a taste of how it feels

Here's a question, OP. You admit she had to put up with this horrible nickname at school and got put upon herself, so why do you imagine she has no taste of how it feels?

Obviously keep the child out of it if you have no choice but to be in her presence.

The majority of PP’s don’t get it. The ones that do, really get it.

Throughout this thread the op has come across as not a particularly nice person. Arrogant, dismissive of those who have a different opinion to her, high-fiving the few that do, not listening to anyone whose opinion differs, talking of humiliating someone else and her child (and you did op, you never said it was a fantasy until later) to name a few.
I'm thinking it's possibly the other lady who was bullied at school. Do leapards change their spots?

How patronising to say 'move on', at what stage should perceived injustices be called out or ignored? Child abuse? Domestic violence? War crimes? If something has stayed with someone for 15 years why shouldn't it be discussed with the perpetrator?