Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

YANBU. He has enjoyed the luxury of a meal cooked for him and his child looked after and now the shoe is on the other foot.

Sorry your first day at work was made even more difficult by such thoughtlessness.

YANBU. I’d be really hurt, I would have thought he could have made the effort for your first day at least.

UGH. You are not U in the slightest. I would have expected exactly the same and most caring DH's would want you to have a stress free evening after your first day back.

When you have both calmed down I would explain to him that what he did was thoughtless and going forward you expect a tidy-ish house and dinner cooked. Just like he had.

Is he usually such a selfish arse?

YANBU, in the slightest. I hate this utter bollocks - unequal division of house chores labour, disrespect towards working mothers, the lot.

OP, well done on surviving your first day. It must have been very tough on so many levels. When you can try to explain to DH what your expectations are now that you’re back at with and how you would like to be treated with the same courtesy you extended to him while you were on maternity.
Not that you should have to have this conversation. Surely it should be a given.

Does he support you going back to work or would he like his comfortable life to continue? Does he see childcare as his job too or doing you a favour?

This sounds awful. It's a horrible thing he did.

Oh don’t you know whilst you’re on maternity leave, you become a skivvy and are expected to do everything for him and the house with a happy smile on your face.

Don’t expect it the other way around. I mean..he’s a man! He couldn’t possibly multitask with all those things.

Yanbu OP. It’s sheer selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone other than himself

'He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. '

Nooo, this makes you look unreasonable now.

When he said 'I won't go then' you should have said, 'Thank you, now if you could feed the baby and tidy up whilst I'm soaking in the bath, I will be back down to play with baby whilst you cook our dinner'.

And you could have had a lovely evening and got what you wanted all along. Plus he would have learned not to do it again.

He's being selfish, he probably knows this with trying to be sarcastic, i would lose my shit at all that too, maybe when you've both calmed down sit down and discuss realistic expectations ,from both of your points of view, you need to get into a new routine, which will involve him stepping up more

You are not being unreasonable. What a selfish knob he is. Imagine if you’d done the same to him. Would he be laughing then?

Stay angry. He has liked having the housewife and was making a strong point that he expects you to continue being his maid. Whether it was conscious or subconscious that was the point being made. You have to crack down hard right now and hold strong.

Saying he could go out to the golf after all was a mistake. Reverse it. He still needs to cook the dinner, do baby bedtime and tidy up. No matter what he says, no matter how he sulks or plays hard done by, be hard as nails and make him do his bit. Do not waiver.

He sounds a right twat.

And to any lurkers on maternity leave, maternity leave is for looking after your baby not for looking after your husband. Don't start playing fifties housewife and letting him get used to having a servant.

YANBU. Seriously? How could anyone turn this into a 'poor me, I never get any me time' moment. at him.

That's really selfish. You don't just up and leave the minute your partner comes in the door. Would be ok if he had discussed it with you before and had actually sorted dinner etc but he seems to have purposely left you in the shit. Seems quite passive aggressive actually.

Of course he's being unreasonable, but you already know that. However, why have you spent your maternity leave skivvying around? He should have been coming home from work, bathing the baby or cooking dinner while you went in the bath, cleaning etc etc he's had it so easy he's not suddenly going to start doing these things for himself when you've done it for the past year.
You've got everything so tightly under control but this is a partnership, he's not going to pull his weight if he thinks you'll do it all. Quite frankly, you've got yourself a shit husband. Whats his reason for not having cooked or fed the baby?

Yanbu, selfish idiot!! For me this would make me really think whether I want to be with him.
He chooses your first day back to pick up golfing??
And not feeding the baby? That's neglectful.
To then absolutely make you feel shit when you get back.
And to top it off, mock you till you started shouting with anger?
He is gaslighting you.
Horrible horrible man.

YANBU. And sadly this is too often one of the consequences of maternity leave - men simply carry on with their lives of work + hobby, and of course you just keep doing all the childcare when you go back to work, because that's the woman's job innit.

He's an insensitive arse. Has he form for being so? Anyone with a teaspoon of brain would have realised that going back to work after a year off and a baby is a big deal and often hard, and that you might welcome some support and debriefing. Also not feeding the baby is Not On.

You need a serious renegotiation when this has all calmed down. You need equal leisure time, and for him to take proper care of the baby when he is in charge. (I don't think there should be an expectation that the house is tidy after someone has been parenting all day, stuff comes up, the house is not critical. Feeding the baby is though). If he can't or won't do that... You have some hard choices ahead of you.

Ugh I want to stab him in the eye with a rusty fork how DARE he laugh at you?!!

YANBU. I’d have kicked off too.

How utterly thoughtless of him.

But wait, it wasn't thoughtless, was it? He simply didn't want to do what you've been doing all along.

Hope the rest of your evening improves.

YANBU at all!

He's sulking and being painful to be around precisely because he wants you to tell him to go and then he can say you told him to. He's also trying to set it up so that he can have all his me time because you won't want the hassle.

Good on you for having standards and not accepting it. The house doesn't have to be spotless but his lack of consideration from him and his overall attitude is disgusting.

It's this sort of attitude that means working mothers end up doing the double shift of working out the home and running the home because poor little man-children want to go out to play.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable and it’s sooooo wrong that your H cannot see that. It must make you feel so undervalued and like everything you did to support him was either unnoticed or unappreciated (or expected, which is the worst option). Suggest you have a calm conversation with him about the expectation that the home parent does everything you listed and the work parent does bath and bed. Once you have his views you’ll know where you stand and can decide how your life will be

Has he cooked dinner and cleaned and sorted the baby? Any less if a victory for him.

I'd be hurt too but I wouldn't have done any of the stuff. I would have played with the baby whilst waiting for food to be delivered and then put baby to bed.
If he doesn't give a shit about a tidy house and the rest of it then leave it.