Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

I went cold reading this. My ex used to do the same, laugh when he was being unreasonable and in the wrong. The laughing is designed to make you explode and it's similar to gas-lighting as then he can turn it round saying you're the unreasonable one for losing your shit at him.

Fucking bastard. I'm so sorry.

Yanbu he's a dick.

How dare he have to do what you've been doing.

Tell him to fuck off and order a takeaway just for yourself.

You need to nip this in the bud right now. I'd just turn round and walk out the door and go straight to the pub for an hour or two or sit on a park bench with the paper. You know, like men do!
IF he's already left the house, then order yourself a takeaway for one - and if you can't manage to eat it, make sure you bin the leftovers rather than provide him with any dinner. By all means feel free to leave any cartons out on the kitchen counters.

1st day wouldn't cause a war would of just said fine feed baby and clean up when you get back .
You have your routine for months and months he's on first day

That's a very big statement he's made by doing that.

I can't handle when he laughs at me like that

He knows that, too. He knows your weakest spots and is using them against you.

He feels it's perfectly acceptable to laugh at you at the height of your distress. That's wanky behaviour without all the other shit on top.

Others have given you advice that's sound. Listen to it, listen to other people's stories who've been there and decide if this is really what you want.

He's a cockwomble if he is banging on about 'me-time' all of a sudden, and laughing at you when you're upset.

What's your arrangement going to be on the five days a week when you are not working? If you haven't discussed this yet, you need to.

I would, however, say that a messy house is not something to get worked up about. I was a SAHM for many years, and the house was a complete tip. Because I was looking after the children, not being a cleaner.

Perhaps try to find a bit of compromise ground (i.e. on the days you go out to work, he feeds the baby and cooks dinner, and vice versa? Forget about the tidying. I'd have been mightily pissed off if someone else had berated me for not living up to their standard of tidiness when I'd spent all day with small people hanging off my limbs)? Otherwise this will run and run.

So you did baby and all things house day in and day out essentially for a year, he does one day poorly, leaving most of it for you to sort when you get home, and thinks he deserves a treat for himself (by ditching you to get on with it) for it? And then laughs and mocks you for being upset?

Manipulative emotionally abusive dick.

I'd reconsider my relationship. Be glad you went back to work and have a job. You may need to support yourself and look into childsupport levels.

Yeh, laughing at you for hoping he might reciprocate what you've been doing for him for a year is really disrespectful.

That’s a shame I’m sorry he was so insensitive and thoughtless. Ugh. I know how you feel. I always have something to do but he can just sit about and achieve nothing Ona day off.

He's winding you up on purpose - the golf thing. That was entirely intentional.

Keep the job, you'll need it to end the marriage and remortgage the house.

My guess is that he has always been abusive underneath it all, you just didn't notice - this was the straw that broke the camels back. I think he wants you to fail at returning to work and to quit your job and return to waiting on him.

Dump him before you dump the job. That job is your child's best chance.

@CupoTeap

That's a very big statement he's made by doing that.

Well put.

Out of curiosity, did you even ask or discuss evening arrangements beforehand?

Or did you just both spectacularly failed to communicate, went into a massive row, and he's just being a dick within the argument?

Your house should not be at tip with no-one in it all day, so you can forget about housework completely.

You are not BU to expect a diner/takeaway, and he's not BU to want an evening out. You should talk to each other

Yanbu - was he doing you a favour looking after the baby? And deserved golf? You have mismatched expectations and need to talk more.

I am so sorry you had such a hard day. Your dh need to grow up and change his mind set. He must know how hard to be at home and take care of the baby, since he couldn't manage to do the things you have been doing all this time.
Now you are working, he can't just be an extra hand, he needs to realise that he has more responsibility and be an equal partner to run the house and take care of children.

Well that leaves 3 days of the week for him to come in and for you to hand over the baby and tell him you are off out for a walk and leave him to it.

Just adding to the absolute bastard chorus, no more dinners for him. At all. He can make his own. And leave all his laundry too, he can do it. What a cruel piece of shit he is

My ex did that too, behaved like a massive wanker then laughed at me when I got angry about it. EX.

Very thoughtless of him.

Now you’re back at work, maybe time to sit down and have a discussion about who is doing what on which days to avoid future confusion?

Obviously it would have been lovely to have come home to a cooked meal for once, but it seems he isn’t going to work that out on his own so I think you need to lay expectations out now that you’re both working and hopefully sharing childcare and chores.

Stay angry. But see it is a catalyst for change.

My husband took a long time to acclimatise to having to pull his weight after having it all on a plate when I was a sahm.

I’m still glad we are together but it took many arguments for him to understand.

Ah OP, I really feel for you. You just need today to be over. Once baby is settled have a huge glass of wine and a bath. If it makes you feel better have a quick tidy up, but in these situations I find it best not to even look at my husband in case we argue again.
Some good advice above and you do need to have it out with him but I suggest not tonight. I also think you may want to rethink having his dinner ready and baby fed for him when he’s working. If he can’t reciprocate then you’ll just end up building resentment.

I think it was a calculated move on his part so that you do it all. As a pp said, stay angry.