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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

312 replies

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 17:38

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
RandomUser3049 · 21/07/2020 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Jeremyironsnothing · 21/07/2020 19:09

So the next day when you don't work and he comes in, hand him the baby and the jobs as you head out of the door for your "me" time. Don't say a word pet from see you later.

There is nothing that teaches so well as pain and experience. You'll only have to do it once.

peanutsandpinenuts · 21/07/2020 19:12

YANBU!!!! I would see red as well OP. Hopefully, he'll see that once the dust settles.

MadeForThis · 21/07/2020 19:13

His behaviour was nasty

Laughing at you is calculated. It's designed to make you react and you become the wrong party. It diverts attention from the fact he is a selfish arse. And he'll get you to apologise and he can go to golf. Win win.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/07/2020 19:15

Can you play him at his own game 'silly me, thinking you could do the basics before going out golfing'

I think there are two separate issues here

Him expecting that youd come back and do all the chores that the parent at home normally does, on top of a day at work. Why did he never expect to do those chores when working but expect you to do them when you're working?

Secondly it's not hard to imagine that the first day back after a year at home, and missing your baby etc, is going to be unsettling at best. And instead of giving you some emotional support, he leaves all the jobs for you and leaves you without any support at all. Not what I'd expect from a partner who is meant to care about you.

Actually there is another issue as well which is when you try and tell him how you feel he uses sarcasm and laughs at you which makes you feel a million times worse and makes it difficult to resolve any issues as it means he isnt engaging and you get angrier

D4rwin · 21/07/2020 19:16

My ex was of this laugh at you and sarcasm shit. Pissing irritating weasel he was too. Insist he improve.

Yorkiee · 21/07/2020 19:17

What a twat.

I came back to a messy house on my first day - husband was looking after LO but he had made dinner and tried his best to feed her.

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 19:19

He just said can I stop being argumentative. He got it wrong. He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

How fucking dumb can you be? The whole argument is about just that. I wanted to spend time with our son. Not cook fucking dinner whilst he screams at me from his highchair.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/07/2020 19:19

Is this a (bad) blip, or do you suspect there‘s a problem with him not wanting to do his fair share of domestic work / parenting?

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 19:20

How does he manage to twist this and genuinely use "I expected you to want to spend time with your son" I'm not a bad mother you're being a bad fucking husband.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/07/2020 19:20

That seems quite manipulative of him, OP.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 21/07/2020 19:22

Oh my goodness, I'm angry on your behalf. What an absolute cock. How dare he?!

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 19:23

Regardless of who spends time with the baby vs leaves the house, I'd just be repeatedly asking him why he didn't cook dinner for any of you. That's got nothing to do with golf.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/07/2020 19:24

So basically he's acknowledged that looking after a baby is bloody hard work, especially if he couldn't even get the basics done. He's majorly shot himself in the foot there over division of labour on the days when you're at home.

Kit19 · 21/07/2020 19:24

You didn’t back down OP so now he’s on to plan b - implying you’re being a selfish mother who doesn’t want to spend time with her child

As you say you wanted to spend time playing with him, not running around cooking while he’s parked in a high chair because DH has swanned off to golf

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 19:24

He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

to be fair, that's not entirely unreasonable.
WHY do you have to cook diner at all? Order some food, send him to the supermarket for a ready meal.

You need to lose the mindset that you HAVE to do anything domestic at all time.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 19:26

@JaniceWebster

He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

to be fair, that's not entirely unreasonable.
WHY do you have to cook diner at all? Order some food, send him to the supermarket for a ready meal.

You need to lose the mindset that you HAVE to do anything domestic at all time.

Is the baby meant to eat Dominos or Chinese too?
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/07/2020 19:29

If he wanted you to spend time with your son why didnt he deal with the chores which meant you'd have to do them instead of spending time with your son? Trying to cook dinner as quick as possible with a hangry toddler clinging to your leg screaming to be picked up isnt quality time.

PablosHoney · 21/07/2020 19:30

Selfish pig

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 19:30

Is the baby meant to eat Dominos or Chinese too?

you cook a 3 course meal for a baby nowadays, do you?

Some people are just arguing for the sake of proving the husband wrong Grin

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 21/07/2020 19:31

He got it wrong. He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out

My exh used to do that all the time, I was doing everything in the house, raising his baby basically on my own, but didn’t I dare to complain about wanting some me time or wanting him helping him more with the baby because immediately he turned the comment around to affirm with utter disdain “Oh... I thought you would like to spend some time with your son”

The only good thing I can tell you OP is that it has been far easier to raise my son on my very own, than raising my child on my very own AND carrying and entitled twat on my back at the same time. You need to have a big serious conversation about this.

There is far more to raising a child than playing with them for an hour before they go to bed.

BoffinMum · 21/07/2020 19:32

He's being a manchild.

BackwardsGoing · 21/07/2020 19:32

YANBU OP. Hopefully your reaction will have put him right from now on.

Glad you stuck to your guns.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 19:33

@JaniceWebster

Is the baby meant to eat Dominos or Chinese too?

you cook a 3 course meal for a baby nowadays, do you?

Some people are just arguing for the sake of proving the husband wrong Grin

I cook them something. And actually it is a 2 course meal. Unlike the OP's husband who didn't bother. Apparently you think late evening takeaway pizza is fine though.
Sceptre86 · 21/07/2020 19:33

Yanbu but you know that deep down already. I was at work today and dh was working from home with the two kids to look after. He cooked their dinner and our own. He didn't clean much but lunch and breakfast dishes were washed and put away.

Your dh is just as capable. He is choosing to be an arse. He should have thought about how your first day back at work might have been. You need to have a serious conversation about your expectations of each other. His laughing at you really stood out to me, is he worth the hassle?

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