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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

312 replies

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 17:38

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
HeidiHoNeighbour · 21/07/2020 17:59

Y’know the “do it badly, then I’ll never be asked to do again” cf chestnut?

That’s what he is doing.

You must stop working and care for him, pander to his every need. Feed him, cook for him and if you could manage a blow job....

BusyProcrastinator · 21/07/2020 18:01

Sounds like you’re a single parent.

It may take some time to come to terms with that. Get your finances in order and throw the whole man away.

Taikoo · 21/07/2020 18:03

He's a cock.
Set down some hard and fast ground rules immediately or this will get much worse.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 21/07/2020 18:04

Don’t you bloody dare cook for him tonight! Or clean any of his mess.

It sounds like he got comfortable having a 50s housewife and he’s got his arsehole in a twist because he had to actual do something now. Lazy, entitled arsehole.

You really need to have a calm conversation about this when you’re both less angry, because if boundaries and roles aren’t established now he will ALWAYS expect this.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 21/07/2020 18:04

How dare he laugh at you! What an entitled twat!

Devlocopop · 21/07/2020 18:04

YANBU at all on any level. He is being a dick.

When I returned to work after a year of maternity leave, Dh and I split the drop off and pick up for Ds. When he did pick up at 4.30pm he would make Ds dinner and something for us too. At no stage did he sit on his arse and wait for me to come home, and to be fair he had been used to having his dinner made when he came home from work.

I agree with PP, you should have said, excellent, I am glad you are not going. I will be in the bath, you feed the baby and prepare dinner.

Commentutappelles · 21/07/2020 18:07

YANBRemotelyU. And he is an even bigger cock for laughing.

crosseyedMary · 21/07/2020 18:08

He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do"
this is what stands out for me, you are very stressed and angry and he mocks and dismisses you, this is designed to enrage you further and cause more pain.
Will you be able to work through this with him or will he continue to mock and dismiss you, or in other words treat you with contempt?

Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 18:08

He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do"

God, he's a manipulative dick.

Gogogadgetarms · 21/07/2020 18:08

I can't handle when he laughs at me like that

To laugh at someone who is upset is one of the rudest things someone can do to someone else imo.

It a massive f you.

I’m not sure what to advise. The fact he hasn’t apologised or even appears sorry says a lot. Sorry OP.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/07/2020 18:08

Oh I bet he says something along the lines of “well you told me off for wanting to go, then you told me to go, I can’t bloody win” and he’ll make it into your fault and you’re the bad guy and HE IS A COCKWOMBLE

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/07/2020 18:10

You are not being unreasonable at all. He presumably thought you were sitting around all day and it would be a piece of p*ss and the reality has been quite different. Rather than actually deal with it his response has been to hand over the baby and leave you to sort out the presumably tired and hungry child and bugger off. Instead of having the decency to acknowledge that you made it look easy and could he have a hand with the baby so he could get all the other stuff done. Total dick.

wildcherries · 21/07/2020 18:11

He laughed at you. Fucker.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/07/2020 18:11

So will your DH look after the baby every day you are at work or was this a one off?

Why hasn't he been to golf before, why start today?

Please tell me you didn't cook dinner

ImFree2doasiwant · 21/07/2020 18:11

Hugely unreasonable of him and unbelievably thoughtless.

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2020 18:11

Nip this in the bud NOW, or you will be doing everything for evermore.

ButteryPuffin · 21/07/2020 18:12

So he's done one day as the stay at home parent, and suddenly it's 'I never get any time to myself'? Doesn't sound reasonable. What was he like before you had the baby? Did you talk about how he would approach this time off with the baby?

Anydreamwilldo12 · 21/07/2020 18:12

I would tell him to fuck off and not come back, lazy selfish twat and to take the piss and laugh at your distress would be the last straw.

Getagripffs · 21/07/2020 18:13

He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off
Nooo, this makes you look unreasonable now
When he said 'I won't go then' you should have said, 'Thank you, now if you could feed the baby and tidy up whilst I'm soaking in the bath, I will be back down to play with baby whilst you cook our dinner

Oh come on, does it sound from the OP like he went, ' yeah your right, it was unreasonable of to plan to go out. Sorry.' In which case, your suggested response was a good one.

Instead he mocked and derided her for expecting him to do some domestic stuff, and sounds like he is staying home in a sulk.

He's an entitled arse.

BlingLoving · 21/07/2020 18:14

Up until the golf comment, I was going to say YABU because it takes a while to figure out how to look after a baby and manage a home at the same time. But then he announced he was off to golf? YADEFINITELYNBU. I mean, the response should have been, "My god, this is hard. I haven't managed to do anything except entertain baby all day. How did you do it? Can you handle baby and I'll do a quick tidy up and get dinner on?"

He's a twat. I have no advice on how to get him to see that though. I'm sorry.

TwilightPeace · 21/07/2020 18:15

He sounds gross! Is he always so nasty?

jammyjoey · 21/07/2020 18:15

I am totally playing devil's advocate here, but was this his first day looking after your DC? Maybe he really struggled? And so wanted to bugger off when you got back?

He was definitely a CF but I know when comparing my job to being a SAHM that being a SAHM is sooo much harder even though I love it

Merryoldgoat · 21/07/2020 18:15

He’s an arsehole, isn’t he? New behaviour? Or always a twat?

Smallsteps88 · 21/07/2020 18:16

YANBU

Sounds like he had a taste of normal day with a baby- hated it- and thinks he deserves a treat after being bored all day.

Which is fine if the same goes for you on every day he is at work? Does he agree to you doing fuck all housework, baby dinner and handing him the baby the minute he walks in the door because you’re going out?

diddl · 21/07/2020 18:16

I think that looking after a baby & doing other stuff can take some getting used to.

That said, I would have expected a meal to be underway in some form or another, which he could have finished whilst you played with/bathed baby.

His reaction was nasty though.

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