Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

[messeduphelp]

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

Did he explain how so little got done all day?

I'd have kicked off too.

What was life like BEFORE the baby? who did what? and why wasn't your DH working today (or was he?)
This does sound shit but wondering if you always did the lion's share.

This is just like my partner. He worked a lot of hours and I did all the childcare,shopping,house work and cleaning. Then I got a full time job and I still did everything because he worked long hours. Fair enough although I was massively resentful for his lack of support. Then Covid hits and he gets furloughed while I continue to work full time from home. Now he washes up and occasionally does other jobs but not half enough while I still do the cooking,shopping and majority of the childcare To use the Mumsnet phrase I am getting my ducks in a row as I’ve had enough!

I once turned around and walked back out of the door, went to the cinema, then went to KFC got a chicken bucket and sat on the promenade watching the sun go down.

I did a big meal for family at weekend, adults, kids. OH did nothing, yesterday he went fishing, I cleaned up and put the house straight. Today I did seven loads of washing plus more housework, ran kids around. OH went fishing, then to a mates. I had to collect DS passed DH on his way home, he said what is for dinner. No idea he said what about gammon, ok I said. When I got back he said did you get the dinner, nope I thought you did.

He did go out but did not say he had taken the dog, so I was like a lunatic wandering around the neighbourhood calling the dog. For half an hour, of course his phone was next to his chair.

I am now drinking a large gin and tonic determined not to get up and cook the dinner.

I feel your pain OP

Those saying it's hard looking after a baby and getting dinner ready etc. That's true, but we aren't talking about a newborn with a mother who has just given birth and is stuck all day and night with a baby that won't be out down and cluster feeds, which takes so much out of mums, physically and mentally. The op already did all that bit! This is a one year old and presumably not a super high needs one year old as otherwise the op wouldn't have managed all this time and wouldn't have been surprised at all that her DH couldn't.

yanbu

Poor you. I’m quite upset on your behalf!

YANBU

What a knob!
Stick to your guns with this, you are not unreasonable here so don't let him wear you down.

Next time, walk straight back out the door.

On your first day as well. Hope you're ok x

I'm livid for you, how dare he undermine you like that and mocking you too, he has no idea how hard it can be going back to work after maternity leave.

Honest if my DH had said that to me I would have launched at him too OP. OK so he may not have been able to manage his first day as SAHD very well but to fuck off to golf, really?

I would be tempted to say he can go out and play after he has done his chores since he is behaving like a child.

I can't handle when he laughs at me like that

So does he do that a lot OP? Sorry but that is a really bad sign. That's contempt.

Read ' Seven Principles of a successful marriage'. It's all based on proper research.. It's a real insight into how crap or not your relationship is. (As well as how you can try fix it if you both want to).

Laughing at you? He’s cruel

Bastard

Laughing at you is vile.

Set some ground rules immediately. A kitchen table talk is needed in a calm manner. Write down all the things you want to say otherwise you'll forget them. Document the talk.

Yanbu I'm getting cross just reading the op.

So next time you're at home, don't do anything for him. As soon as he gets in, hand him the baby and tell him you're off for some 'me' time and he has to feed the baby, cook his own tea and clean the house

YANBU I'd have kicked off too.

And the way he is reacting, laughing at you is telling you a lot about he values you (or not).

I'd be waitng until you have calmed down and he has to. Then set bundaries. Tell him that on the day you are working you expect to come home to:

• a clean house
• a baby that has been fed
• a hot meal

Just lie you have done EVERY single day dor him in the past year.

If it's not done, go out. Or go have a bath and tell him to let you know when dinner is ready and you can put the baby to bed. Sit on the sofa and read MN. Just like HE would do if he arrived and dinner wasn't ready.
Don't move away from that response, he will EVENTUALLY get the message.

As for 'going out to play golf', remind him that is a FATHER and now has RESPNISIBILITIES and he can't just waltz away when he wants. And he yes he does need to ask you first, just like you would ask him first before going away for the evening. Aso remjd him that if he foes away for the night like this, then you are entitled to do so too and therefore will take one evening a week to

Selfish shit - I'd have lost it too OP. YANBU!

What a selfish individual he is

I don’t blame you OP, my DH loves golf, he didn’t start playing again until our DS’ were at school.

He's a lazy, selfish twat.

TorkTorkBam has him pegged saying the following:
He has liked having the housewife and was making a strong point that he expects you to continue being his maid.

Stick to your guns on this OP, this would be a hill I’d be willing to die on!

I can't handle when he laughs at me like that

So this happens regularly then? If so he is a knob.

You say on your other thread, you have done a "massive cock up" just because you used someone else's computer.

Do you think you might be catastrophising here as well?

Major fail on his part.

However.

Now that you are both working on different days (are their days you both work?) don’t let it get worse.

Sit down tomorrow , or weekend, and discuss his roles and responsibilities now need re-setting so that everyone can function.

Look for times that you both get me-time / hobby time / social time, and also together / family time.
Agree expectations and parameters for whoever is on a SAH day.

He probably found it lonely being at home with the baby, he is used to socialising at he office. You have had months of this and don’t want you end of work days to be alone at home.
Discuss your different experiences.

He fucked up. He needs to think on. Use it to move forwards better rather than be entrenched in rowing about it and tot for tat.