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Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

312 replies

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 17:38

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 19:33

I am sorry, but your husband expecting YOU to cook for HIM after work would be completely out of order.

Husband going out and leaving you with the baby you wanted to spend time with anyway... sorry, I can't see the issue.

It sounds more like a spectacular lack of communication and people expecting or assuming without even TALKING. Now you are both in a rage throwing ridiculous insults at each other and winding each other up.

If you hadn't assume anything, you would have just asked him to pick some diner for you on his way home and problem solved. Same things for baby, there's enough decent ready meals for little ones in cook or other, it's so not a big deal.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 19:35

hammeringinmyhead

good for you. I have on occasion defrosted a cook diner for my kids, or just made an omelette with some carrot sticks and fruits. My kids have all survived so far Grin

The last thing I'd want after work is sitting down for a full diner anyway!

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 19:35

@JaniceWebster

I am sorry, but your husband expecting YOU to cook for HIM after work would be completely out of order.

Husband going out and leaving you with the baby you wanted to spend time with anyway... sorry, I can't see the issue.

It sounds more like a spectacular lack of communication and people expecting or assuming without even TALKING. Now you are both in a rage throwing ridiculous insults at each other and winding each other up.

If you hadn't assume anything, you would have just asked him to pick some diner for you on his way home and problem solved. Same things for baby, there's enough decent ready meals for little ones in cook or other, it's so not a big deal.

Did the DH have to ask the OP to make him dinner for when he get home from work? Nope. Did the DH have to remind OP to feed their child? Nope.
JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 19:36

hammeringinmyhead

I love how you have imagined their entire life in your own head Grin
got issues yourself, have you?

diddl · 21/07/2020 19:36

Time with your son doesn't have to mean him going out though!

Is he on paternity leave atm then?

So that he has 2days to look after his baby & the other 3 he's also at home?

Nottherealslimshady · 21/07/2020 19:38

YANBU if he thought you'd want to spend time with your son then he'd have cleaned and cooked so you could spend time with your son like you have done every day for the past year.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/07/2020 19:39

@JaniceWebster

hammeringinmyhead

I love how you have imagined their entire life in your own head Grin
got issues yourself, have you?

No. You're being an apologist for a sexist, entitled man.

Is it not clear from her post that, on mat leave, every night she cooked for the baby, herself and the DH? Hard of reading comprehension, are we?

Doggybiccys · 21/07/2020 19:40

@JaniceWebster

He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out.

to be fair, that's not entirely unreasonable.
WHY do you have to cook diner at all? Order some food, send him to the supermarket for a ready meal.

You need to lose the mindset that you HAVE to do anything domestic at all time.

Fuck sake. You are telling her to lose the mindset she has to be domestic in the same paragraph as telling her SHE needs to order food/ “send him” to the supermarket aka still making the domestic arrangements. He’s the baby’s father and shouldn’t need to be sent anywhere. He’s not a 10 year old kid going for a loaf of bread FFS!

No. Husband needs to do his share and bloody parent their child.

MadeForThis · 21/07/2020 19:43

Wow does he know how to apologise?

NoSquirrels · 21/07/2020 19:44

Does he know how to do all the stuff with the baby - does he pull his weight properly at weekends etc cooking meals and so on? Or dies he view you as the default parent and he’s just holding the fort killing time until you can take over again? Be honest with yourself. Cos he’s not sounding too charming and I assume this is not an isolated pattern of behaviour or he’d have apologised by now.

pipnchops · 21/07/2020 19:45

YANBU is he thinks you are then do the same back to him when he is next in work.

InsertHilariousUserName · 21/07/2020 19:46

He assumed I'd want to spend time our son after not seeing him all day and he could go out

And he is right isnt he - you did want to. Whilst having a clean house and meal made by him, and you doing bathtime.

What doesnt he get?

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 19:46

Every night he gets home from work to a cooked dinner, and on his 2 days off a week he cooks, usually, or we get take out. I just don't get why today would be different, it's still his day off but I'm not there, surely that would be more reason for him to cook dinner, or order take out. Not just expect me to come home and sort something out for me and the baby. If it was the other way round I'd of wanted to, had a nice meal ready and maybe some wine and I'd ask him about his day, he's just been totally thoughtful and that's why I'm upset.

He doesn't even ask me about my day. I have a boring part time hospital admin job, and he's got this high flying career and it's just so evident my job isn't important in his eyes. Like my days couldn't possibly be as busy/difficult as his. It winds me up so much.

OP posts:
messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 19:46

Thoughtless even.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 19:50

And if you did this to him?

You wouldn't though would you, because you wouldn't do that to your son, keep him waiting for his dinner.

LolaSmiles · 21/07/2020 19:52

JaniceWebster
Are you for real?!

I'm willing to bet that Mr man child was all too willing to assume (given that's your criticism of the OP) that she'd run the house when on maternity leave, that she'd do the childcare and get tea on the table for him. You even go onto suggest the OP should have sent her DP to the shop to get a ready meal or she should sort food.

What a sad day when someone thinks it's unreasonable for a woman to expect her partner to FEED THE BABY and not be a useless waste of space.

Her DP went as far as to be a useless arsehole, then be rude to her, laugh in her face to make her angry (which it sounds like he know annoys her) and then sulked. He's manipulative.

Why not go all out on the handmaiden view and tell the OP she needs to offer DH a foot rub and some sex to make sure he feels valued and appreciated after a long day of doing nothing?

midwifeyNC · 21/07/2020 19:53

Ahh you're the one who was anxious about the corona keyboard thing. It's ok, you're fine. He is not!

Ignore Janice, she sounds ridiculous.

He's bang out of order and had acted thoughtlessly. Is he like this often?

SoPanny · 21/07/2020 19:55

@messeduphelp

Every night he gets home from work to a cooked dinner, and on his 2 days off a week he cooks, usually, or we get take out. I just don't get why today would be different, it's still his day off but I'm not there, surely that would be more reason for him to cook dinner, or order take out. Not just expect me to come home and sort something out for me and the baby. If it was the other way round I'd of wanted to, had a nice meal ready and maybe some wine and I'd ask him about his day, he's just been totally thoughtful and that's why I'm upset.

He doesn't even ask me about my day. I have a boring part time hospital admin job, and he's got this high flying career and it's just so evident my job isn't important in his eyes. Like my days couldn't possibly be as busy/difficult as his. It winds me up so much.

And there’s the reason. Your job isn’t as important is it? Oh OP how could you be so silly about your job when he has his big fancy man job that obviously takes it out of him so much he can’t even cook? Diddums Biscuit

Being serious though, you need to talk about expectations. If he expects you to cook and tidy and do everything on the days he works then you’re 100% within your rights to expect the same on the days when you work.

That’s just being fair.

And if he can’t he needs to provide an alternative. Takeaways - fine. But he still needs to sort your kid and make the place not a bomb site.

Wallywobbles · 21/07/2020 19:56

I'd say you want to go back full time.

Pesimistic · 21/07/2020 19:56

What an arsehole, I'm so angry for you I dont have any advice but hes being U, not you in the slightest. Hes a lazy twat.

thevassal · 21/07/2020 19:57

I can see why the "silly me" thing drove you crazy. You should have just gone "Silly me to expect as an adult you'd be capable of looking after your own child and maintaining your own house. Silly me to think you might want to chat to your wife and see how her first day back at work had gone. Silly me thinking I'd married a grown man rather than a little boy who can't wait to dump his responsibilities on the "mummy" so he can go and play outside with his mates," etc. etc.

@Doggybiccys - yes to your post. I could see Janice's point if this was a one off in the middle of a normal week - everyone had off days, and that's what takeaways are for. But this was OPs very first day back and basically indicative of what her DH thinks her role is (everything) and his (nothing) - is she supposed to just order pizza every day she goes to work for the rest of her working life rather than assuming her husband can do basic life skills, like feed his own child?

oakleaffy · 21/07/2020 19:57

OP....I'd be upset and hurt, too. Anyone would in this situation. Flowers
Expect he finds ''domestic stuff'' boring.

He'd probably rather pay a Nanny...Fancy not having a meal ready for you all... I bet you were starving, too...Not to mention DS.

SoPanny · 21/07/2020 19:58

Ps hospital admin is no joke; NHS systems are so fucked up to do your job most of us would have an easier time cracking the enigma code and reprogramming the security of the Pentagon.

NotquitewhatImeant · 21/07/2020 19:58

Wow Yanbu. Thats incredibly unsupportive and self absorbed of him. You have every right to be mad.

MummyGoingItAlone · 21/07/2020 20:01

I absolute feel your pain. My now ex was like this and this is why he is now my ex.

When I was on maternity I did exactly as you did. Childcare was costing a fortune and he was on a much lower wage so offered to give up work to care for our son. He was fucking useless. I paid for everything and he did nothing. Id come home to a shithole of a house, filthy baby, no food in the house never mind anything cooked and then he'd hand over our son and fuck off out or for a nap, even though it was always me who got up in the night!

I am getting angry just thinking about it! It last a few weeks before I lost my shit and kicked him out. I've lived a life of bliss ever since :)

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