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Huge row with DH. First day back at work after maternity leave

312 replies

messeduphelp · 21/07/2020 17:38

I've been on maternity leave for a year. Every day DH gets home to a clean house, a fed and washed baby, dinner on the table. He plays with the baby and does bedtime. That's been our routine the whole time. I have now returned to work two days a week whilst DH is off with the baby.

Today was my first day back at work after a year off, I struggled a bit, it was hard in general plus all the covid weirdness. It was a lot. I get home, the baby hasn't had dinner cooked, house is a mess and he says "I'm off to golf you don't mind do you?"

He hasn't played this year, he's decided he wants to get back into it. Whatever. But why pick my first day back? I just wanted to come home, play with my baby, put him to bed and have dinner cooked for me. For once.

It turned into a massive argument, like huge. He's refusing to go even though frankly now I'd rather him fuck off. It's just such a lack of care or thought. My first day back and I spend the whole day in the office then come home and have to cook, clean and do everything I usually do. He's playing this hard done by card that he never gets any 'me time'

I really lost my shit, screaming at him. He just kept laughing and saying "silly me thinking you'd give me permission to actually do something I want to do" and it just made me see red. I can't handle when he laughs at me like that. I'm shaking now and just feel gutted that it's gone so badly. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 21/07/2020 23:55

Presumably you gave the monitor back to him.

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2020 23:56

I can't say I blame the DH for silently giving her the baby monitor, that's exactly what i would have done too - as childish as it might be.
Is that the same poster saying smugly Oh we communicate like mature adults in MY marriage? Huh.

I’ve just started a new job. My dp was like yours op, but the screaming rows and ‘intense discussions’ were absolutely worth it. I’m wfh but when he comes in the door with the kids I say hello and go back to work, leaving him to put dinner on while managing two tired children. I do it in the mornings while he’s at work, this is his shift. Make this statement that you are his equal and he is a parent and husband a hill to die on or it’s not a marriage worth having, just a slow painful death by a thousand cuts.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 23:59

but the screaming rows and ‘intense discussions’ were absolutely worth it.

wow, just wow.

Are people genuinely convinced that a marriage is a fight between 2 people, where you have to score points at all time and no middle ground can ever be found without "screaming rows"?

Do you even ...like each other at all? Confused

Vodkacranberryplease · 22/07/2020 00:02

@EugenesAxe I read your post as being facetious. As in he's not being a cunt and had been working hard all day.

So my response was to that. Cause he is and he hasn't.

ilikemethewayiam · 22/07/2020 00:02

@AntiSocialDistancer

Well if hes going to make you go to work and parent and cook and clean what the fuck do you need a partner for?

You could split and have the weekends off. Sounds blissful.

^^This

If he’s not a team player, he’s a burden and you don’t need him. Tell him he’s fired!

frazzledasarock · 22/07/2020 00:09

Out of interest, had he had his own dinner OP?

He didn’t bother feeding his baby, hadn’t cooked for you. What about for himself?

Or was he welding to come back from golf to a hot cooked meal?

Jeremyironsnothing · 22/07/2020 00:16

I hope you've been straight back in and returned the monitor back to him.

youremindmeofthebabewhatbabe · 22/07/2020 00:44

:( you need to have another chat about the agreement re. person at home jobs (feeding a baby/toddler should be a no brainier Hmm) and who gets the baby monitor. I have had all these arguments too. Didn't make it clear enough, too much of a soft touch for an easier life (or so I thought) and now it's an uphill battle. Got two kids now and still doing majority of housework, and the job I do (shorter hours due to school runs) he doesn't rate, and has a go when the house isn't frickin perfect. He tends to mock as well. It's shit. Don't wind up like me! Now considering next move may be solicitors. I have often thought I should have been stronger in the early days. I feel like I kind of made my bed. Not going to lie in it though! Everyone deserves respect. Please give him back that bloody monitor. My head would be done in with that. Very passive aggressiveness dick move that one.

Jux · 22/07/2020 01:02

Ihope you've given him back themo itor and.locked your bedroom door. I hole you get a good sleep tonight have a great day at work tomorrow.

Then you ca have a bit of a talk with him to show him how UR he's being, and it gets sorted out. Maybe it'll be a 'funny story' you can tell your grandchildren....

dododotheconga · 22/07/2020 01:03

I read your post earlier about using the wrong computer at work. To be honest OP, you sound really stressed today. I'm not excusing your dh and his lack of effort but I wonder whether your stress at going back to work and leaving your baby has caused hog to over react a bit.

dododotheconga · 22/07/2020 01:08

You, not hog!

mathanxiety · 22/07/2020 02:11

WHY has the OP been doing everything for a year? Did she HAVE to? Did her DH MADE her?

@JaniceWebster
Did he ever say 'Honey, you're doing too much, and if you're doing it out of a sense of obligation to me, please don't. Take it easy. You're on mat leave after all and you've just gone through a year of pregnancy and recovery from childbirth and another year of feeding the baby around the clock and constantly having your headspace occupied by care of the baby. I'm a grown ass man and I can easily help you out with all the household slog on the weekends, batch cook if you 'd like, hoover and mop and clean the bathroom. I can also take care of the baby a few nights a week to give you a chance to relax and get some exercise or meet up with friends.'

Did he?

Or did he just tuck into the dinners she put in front of him and enjoy the ride?

Furries · 22/07/2020 02:51

@JaniceWebster - TBF, the only goady posts I’ve seen have been from you. Because you keep trying to hammer home how unreasonable people are feeling, seemingly without trying to understand that not everyone is with an equally-minded DH like you have. Please, stop trying to put that shut back on to others.

I mean that in the nicest possible way. The fact that you and your DH have a relationship where that works is great - but continuously trying to emphasise that those that don’t is the reason why things are going wrong is really not helpful. I agree with your sentiment of communication/flexibility is key - but if you can’t grasp the basic fact of your OH laughing at you when you’re frustrated, and can’t even do the basics of running a house for a day - so much so that he needs to escape to golf for the first time in ages as a reward - then you are completely lacking in any ability to even comprehend that not everyone can have a comfortable line of communication such as you do.

:I am NOT knocking those that have great communication, to have that with a great partner is amazing. But am still shocked by the amount of apologist shit I see every day on this site for the behaviour of some men.

tillytown · 22/07/2020 04:50

dododotheconga, she wasn't overreacting. Her husband treated her like dirt, she's allowed to be angry.

Cadent · 22/07/2020 05:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2020 06:11

@messeduphelp
He is openly contemptuous of you and trying to goad you into anger.

That stunt with the monitor was designed to cause you enough anger to prevent you from sleeping, and if that didn't work, then the baby might put the kibosh on your night's rest.

I hope you got some sleep, and quite honestly I would be considering my options.

He is trying to sabotage your return to work, for all the usual reasons inadequate men have for doing this.

fatgirlslimmer · 22/07/2020 06:21

Please tell us the baby monitor spent the night in the spare room.

CupoTeap · 22/07/2020 06:27

Op he's clearly showing you his opinion, your the help. He's gotten very used to you doing everything and nothing is going to change that.

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/07/2020 06:51

I don’t think he wants you to return to work. He’s probably very comfortable with you at home being the childcare and skivvy, and he has some sexist attitudes about you having financial independence and a life outside the home, deep down.

messeduphelp · 22/07/2020 07:06

@dododotheconga

I read your post earlier about using the wrong computer at work. To be honest OP, you sound really stressed today. I'm not excusing your dh and his lack of effort but I wonder whether your stress at going back to work and leaving your baby has caused hog to over react a bit.
Yes. I was really stressed. Work had been shit I found it really overwhelming, messed up with the computers was worried I'd get in trouble on top of missing my baby all day. Dh knew all of this, he knew I'd had a stressful day so frankly I see this as yet another reason why he was so fucking unfair to try and swan off for the night. Not me overreacting. But what do I know
OP posts:
messeduphelp · 22/07/2020 07:08

Anyway the more I read all these replies the angrier I'm getting and I've got another day at work today so I'm changing back to my usual username and hiding the thread. Thanks for advice and taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 22/07/2020 07:17

Op, your DH is very clearly and loudly sending you a message that he thinks DS is your responsibility and your job is not important

He has looked after DS today. He has done you a favour, why aren’t you grateful? He needed his reward. Hmm

He is then hammering that messaging home by bringing you the monitor when you have work the next day and he does not. You can manage with DS overnight unlike him, because his job is serious and important, unlike yours

I’m not surprised you lost your shit at him op, I think my head would have exploded

Soubriquet · 22/07/2020 07:23

I hope the baby didn’t keep you up all night

Personally I would have silently placed the monitor back with him but I understand you just gave up at this point.

Hopefully you have a good day at work

JaniceWebster · 22/07/2020 07:28

Furries
so having a different opinion is "goady"? I am always amazed by the "it's my way or shut up" trend on this forum, especially when the majority happens to disagree with someone on a thread. It's usually predictable how things will go when there's a husband involved. I wonder if people are so vocal on the forum to make up the fact they are so meek in real life.

if you can’t grasp the basic fact of your OH laughing at you when you’re frustrated
well, I do but that was my point: they are in the middle of a flaming row, in front of a baby no less, each being unreasonable because they other one pushed their buttons... HOW is encouraging more hurt and more screaming helping anyone at all? It took longer than I thought for the usual post about "you must divorce immediately" pop up.
Again, it's not a soap opera, ultimately it's people like the OP who are stuck in a shit situation, not the posters goading them to make things worst for their own entertainment.

It's the OP who is dreading work and who will dread coming back home to the same argument, not the goady posters.

honeygirlz · 22/07/2020 07:33

Anyway the more I read all these replies the angrier I'm getting and I've got another day at work today so I'm changing back to my usual username and hiding the thread. Thanks for advice and taking the time to reply.

OP, ignore the idiots, you have the vast majority of MNers on your side. If you do want to come back to the thread, we'll be behind you.

Stay firm with 'D'H. Flowers

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