Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

[Dorothea989]

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it

Awesome so we will keep finances they way they are at the moment.

I'm really unhappy that the man I married would want to hold me back like this. I thought that man was supportive of my accomplishments.

The kids aren't going to be around forever so why should I put my career on hold? I'm doing this for the family how can that make you unhappy?

@Dorothea989

Thank you for all the support. I appreciate every comment.

In answer to some of the questions:
One of the two vacant roles will be filled (have already challenged this) and now things are getting back to whatever a new normal is its been agreed 1 can be filled.

Housework wise, I already feel I do more, but that's because I just get on with bits. Generally I do the washing (loading, hanging out and putting away) empty/fill the dishwasher, sort the pets out, household/bills admin, change the beds, food shop, school drop off and half of the pick ups.

Dh does cook more than me, although I tidy up. He will also hoover and dust.

Tell him this and tell him that’s how it will be if you go back to the lower role too, tell him you won’t change your patterns to do any more cooking or anything like that as you still do more around the house anyway. Then ask him again, given that you won’t change your patterns, what the drawbacks of the management role are. He’ll be hard pushed to come up with some.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras from OP

• Generally I do the washing (loading, hanging out and putting away) empty/fill the dishwasher, sort the pets out, household/bills admin, change the beds, food shop, school drop off and half of the pick ups.

Dh does cook more than me, although I tidy up. He will also hoover and dust.*

He doesn't do all the cooking,just more than OP and she does more housework anyways.

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras from OP

• Generally I do the washing (loading, hanging out and putting away) empty/fill the dishwasher, sort the pets out, household/bills admin, change the beds, food shop, school drop off and half of the pick ups.

Dh does cook more than me, although I tidy up. He will also hoover and dust.*

He doesn't do all the cooking,just more than OP and she does more housework anyways.[/quote]
There's not really "housework" included in that list though. Who cleans the bathrooms, mops the floors, cleans the kitchen, cleans the windows, does the gardening?

If this job takes up the same hours as the old job then I can't see the husband's problem but if it materially changes things then I think it should be up for discussion. You shouldn't just unilaterally make big decisions if you are in a partnership - and that goes for both partners.

I bet that when you're on your knees scrubbing the toilet as part of the 75% share of all housework you've done that day while he's out with his mates, you'll really struggle to remember exactly how this is better than you working in a higher profile job where your work is recognized and rewarded.

@StormTreader And there you go - in a nutshell.

Because that's how it usually goes. Why so many women are ok with that I'll never know. But hey, it's a partnership.

@StormTreader

I bet that when you're on your knees scrubbing the toilet as part of the 75% share of all housework you've done that day while he's out with his mates, you'll really struggle to remember exactly how this is better than you working in a higher profile job where your work is recognized and rewarded.

And where does op mention that he's off out with his mates?

Will you be earning more than him - is that the problem?

I'd take the job. Well done, op! 🍾🥂

Ha! Of course he doesn't want you to take the job!

Look at how much you do at home in comparison to him!

If you worked his hours, how much more would you do than he does?

His easy life is vanishing and he doesn't like it.

I really can't see the issue. When my children were growing up I never had a job that allowed me to be home by 6 pm regularly. We all coped fine, not least because my DH was perfectly prepared to do his share and wouldn't have dreamt of dictating that I needed to be home earlier to facilitate him spending time on his phone.

@lanthanum

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis.

What do you mean by this lantha? Do you mean the OP should give this as a reason for not taking the job? I don’t understand why this would be helpful.

What would happen if your roles were reversed? Would he turn down a promotion if you asked do you think? Sounds like you really want the job, and must be good at it, so take it!

He should be pleased for you,knowing that you are happy about the job, and to stop being silly,and negative about it.

My DH used to be the main earner/worker. Imagine tattooed HGV driver for 35 years. Now it's me in a professional role. It's great watching him learn and produce delicious proper food, make beds, empty bins (moaning if I put the wrong stuff in the wrong bin 😂), looking after my horse when I'm busy, brings me coffee in bed every morning and does his own less manic self employed work around everything and no way does he hold me back. Your DH should be proud of you, not worry about his man feelings!

Hahahaha. Sod off husband. Take the job OP.
It's the things you don't do in life that you regret at the end.

Take the role! You want it. And you earned it. Congrats.

Take job, get cleaner, sack husband.

@JudgeRindersMinder

You can’t possibly take this job-your dh’s penis will fall off!!!

It's all right; they already have a child so it's no longer necessary for him to have a penis.

He could buy a sports car as a substitute.

100% take the job!

Of course you should take the job OP, no question. In terms of your DH I would be insisting he elaborates on his 'reasons' and then taking them apart until he has to concede there's no practical reason for you not to take it. And then I would want to know why the fuck he was trying to hold me back for no good reason

Take the job. You'll kick yourself if you don't.

Take the job tell him to fork out for a cleaner if he's that bloody bothered.

What an arse.

Your company is not likely to be pleased with you if you don't take this job. You could lose it. And you will become financially dependent on and resentful toward your husband. And for what? An hour a day? If he can't be bothered to do his share of parenting, he can hire someone.

Who voted YABU? It appears OPs DH has been mumsnetting on his phone ?

FGS. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Don't risk your future career and financial security on a 50/50 bet.

Please say you're taking the job.

I'm the mad one saying yabu so I thought I'd better get on here and explain why. I did a job a long time ago which I loved, it them clashed a bit with family life. I could have made it work but it would have been hard and I ran the risk of not being able to give either my full attention as i loved both my family and my job. I quit that job and did something else.

I had a great family life, it improved dramatically. I did miss my old job yes, my new ones just didnt cut it but i could focus on my family and make them my priority much easier.

Now many years later, my family is older, things are easier and I;m now seeing to go back to my old job as I feel I can now give it the attention it needs as i feel my family life isnt as demanding as it was when kids were younger. Yes I will have to start again but I'm happy with that compromise as you do need to be able to make work and family work together and well sometimes you need to compromise.

You are worried about the effect on your career if you dont do it. I was the opposite, I worried about the effect on my family if I had stayed back then. I dont regret it at all, yes i have missed out on somethings in the job but I'd rather compromise on that than have ran the risk of missing out on family related stuff. Its all about balancing it up.

On another side, my Dad got promoted years ago and he nearly stepped down due to the impacts on family life, he did get the balance right and it worked but if things hadnt changed for the better he would have stepped down in an instant.

Just dont be to blinkered about the job, keep your eyes peeled as yes you need a job you love but im presuming you love your family too, it is about give and take.