Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

[Dorothea989]

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP, do you know, or has he said, what he means by 'he won't be happy'? Is it a threat? Will he strop and sulk? Will he actively seek to punish you, by making things difficult for you?

While women tend to internalise, so unhappiness means just and only that, men are prone to expressing dissatisfaction through anger and aggression, either passive or active.

Take the job. If you find that it is affecting family life too much, you can consider yiur options at that point. But you'd be mad to turn it down.

You'll find a way to make it work and your DH will get used to it

@Milssofadoesntreallyfit

On another side, my Dad got promoted years ago and he nearly stepped down due to the impacts on family life, he did get the balance right and it worked but if things hadnt changed for the better he would have stepped down in an instant.

Funny how he ‘nearly stepped down’ but didn’t. I hope OP ‘nearly’ refuses the promotion, but doesn’t.

Milssofa I suspect you're comparing apples with pears here. OP doesn't seem to be talking about some high-powered career move, or high-pressure, all-hours culture. Everything she's said about her new job suggests it fits into normal, very civilised working hours (actually not so normal - better than many people's normal) and fits in very nicely indeed with family life.

What I think we're seeing here, is two very different standards being applied, by her husband and by a certain sector of society, concerning what 'compatible with family life' means for men and for women.

That double standard is based upon the idea that all women do a double shift, shouldering the bulk of domestic and childcare responsibility and being 24/7 default parent who needs to negotiate permission to go out, whereas men just need to 'help out' for up to an hour a day, to be considered practically god-like in their domesticity and fatherhood.

You will say your and parents' marriages weren't like that but I am willing to bet that, if you dug deeper, you'd find they weren't perfectly equal either.

This is exactly the type of man who, when leaving you, will complain and blame that you weren't carrying your financial weight, after encouraging you to sacrifice progression to focus on kids and home and HIM. He will then demand you immediately find a fully self sustaining job and buy him 50% out of the house.

Don't be that woman. Take the job.

When discussing staffing and workplace concerns, please don't do as PPd said and mention your "husband's" concerns. Mention YOUR concerns, as a MANAGER, that the workload requires additional headcount. You may be able to compromise on a further 0.5 head count, leaving you on 1.5 of previous 2.0, but better than only 1.0 of 2.0 and management feel they've saved money. Win win.

Good luck, OP and well done. 🎉

See my dh has recently got a new job. He’s been out of work for 2 years.

He still made sure he found a job that worked around MY hours so I didn’t have to pack in my job.

The job sounds perfectly normal hours and like many on here, I suspect OP's H doesn't want to step up and do a fair share of the housework. Take the job, OP.

Is he emergency services with a hero complex? Won't like you being "more important" than him? Take the job OP, you've obviously impressed! If he thinks more housework needs doing then he can either step up or you could equally employ a cleaner!

Congratulations on getting the promotion 🥳

Don’t give up this opportunity OP. Take the job 👍

you want the job.
take the job.

I wish op had explained a bit more about whether this new job affects arrangements that already exist. So, she says that previously she was out at work 7.30 - 6 and does all school drop offs and half the pick ups. Her husband works shifts. So, what are usual child care arrangements? Does the DC go to before and after school club? Does the new job affects this in any way? Is there a chance, that in a more senior role, you would have to work late meaning without warning you might have to stay late? What happens during school holidays regarding child care? How flexible can your husband be at work?

I just don't think either partner has the right to unilaterally make substantial changes if those changes impact on the rest of the family, without proper discussion and negotiation on how those changes would impact the rest of the family.

That's not saying at all that it's the mums job to worry about childcare. I'd say the same if it was dad who had say always worked night shift and did all the school runs and holidays but who now has the offer of a better job working the day shift. Is that ok for him to take it, without discussion, and tell his wife that she can now pay for childcare put of her wages cos she's just butt hurt that she has to be inconvenienced?

If this new job doesn't affect family life then of course he's being out of order but if it means changes have to made then I think both spouses should be discussing how they can make it work and is it feasible. It's meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Take the job and spend some of the increased salary on a cleaner? (And some of his salary too!)

Take it! Sounds like you want it and have worked hard for it. Well done you!

You could discuss some of the extra cash for additional cleaning if you need it, or for something nice you can enjoy together on your shared evenings off, but you shouldn't feel you have to pacify your husband. He is a grown man, who should be capable of celebrating your success and supporting you.

I don't think in s family you can just take a job without a discussion especially if the other person has expressed a worry. Yes, you will make the final call.

Compared to your previous position what changed compared to the new one? Stress, hours, travel? How has these affected your husband? Is the money better? Is this just an ego thing for him?

I would take the job. Congratulations!

Congratulations 💐

Take. the. Job.
And then discuss how you can balance the home stuff between you.
Congratulations!

You’ll need the pay rise for when you leave your husband.

@Ballybeyondthepail

Take. the. Job. And then discuss how you can balance the home stuff between you. Congratulations!

And if they can't balance the home stuff? She's then lost her old job and the new job.

Why would OP lose the new job if the home stuff can't be balanced? And where in the OP does it suggest it won't be? OP currently does more than half the housework - so any rebalancing needs to be in the direction of her husband stepping up.

OP has been doing the new job already and knows what the impact will be.

Congratulations! Please please take the job!

Congratulations on your promotion - Take the job!

Congratulations on the job offer @Dorothea989! I'm adding my voice to other PP's to take the promotion! With, of course, the caveat that the other roles are also backfilled/recruited for. With the way our economy currently is this is a good chance for you to save more for a rainy day - particularly if your DH's own job falters.

Don't forget to increase the percentage you can pay into your occupational pension. Who knows what the State Pension will be when you retire..

Your husband should be encouraging and supporting you here. I wonder whether, in the same situation, he'd have even consulted you?

Yes also to buying in extra resources to help at home if he doesn't/can't step up as that helps the whole household - not just you.

Good luck! 🌹

Definitely take the job. Your DH should be celebrating your success not suppressing your abilities. My DH was my biggest cheerleader. He worked shifts too - 12 hour shifts (4 days, then 3 night) with just 3 rest days in between. I commuted from the Midlands to London, he would often get home from work at 6.30am, pick me up and take me to the train station, and not see me until the next day's train run. I earned double his salary for half the hours but he didn't feel threatened or short changed by it - we were a team and our joint efforts kept our finances stable and made our time off together the more important.

@pointythings

Why would OP lose the new job if the home stuff can't be balanced? And where in the OP does it suggest it won't be? OP currently does more than half the housework - so any rebalancing needs to be in the direction of her husband stepping up.

OP has been doing the new job already and knows what the impact will be.

If op accepts the new job then she no longer has her old job does she? So, she accepts the new job and then tries to reconcile the impact on the household, as posters are telling her to do - what if it can't be reconciled? She then resigns? So, she has no job.

And yes, she's been doing the job whilst WFH because we've been in lockdown. She's not been doing it during normal times, when the DC is at school needing after school clubs etc. That's all I'm asking - does the new job come with the potential to change what is usually in place re particularly child care? In her old job op might well have been able to leave at a set time and get to childcare to collect her child, no problem. If this new job is managerial is there s chance that a meeting could over run or a problem crops up just before "leaving time" that's she's expected to deal with because she's now the manager? If it's her day to collect her child then what happens? Is the dh just expected to disrupt his job, even though he hasn't changed anything and he's not allowed to even discuss it or have any opinion? Does that work in the opposite direction too? Can a dh just change his job and then tell his wife that she's going to have to accommodate it, with no discussion, even if it impacts on her job? Is that how it works?