Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

[Dorothea989]

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

Is there any way you could possibly do 4 days and compress your hours at all? Is the money a massive increase?

I agree with another poster about a getting a cleaner? You could suggest this to your husband.

Please take the job.

Sometimes you only get a few lucky breaks like this, and if you don’t take it your employers may think you’ll be happy to bumble along on the slow track, for an easy life, and wouldn’t consider you again.

Why are his wishes paramount in this situation?

zebra why would she be the one to resign? If you look at the OP, the husband's objectives were about housework, not childcare, drop-off and pick-up issues. And OP in a subsequent post mentioned she does the lion's share of the housework anyway.

And if it doesn't work, OP can look for another job while in post, then make a move - resigning is not the only option.

If op accepts the new job then she no longer has her old job does she? So, she accepts the new job and then tries to reconcile the impact on the household, as posters are telling her to do - what if it can't be reconciled? She then resigns? So, she has no job.

This whole "OMG what if?!?" is built around... Well, nothing, for starters, but also the fundamental assumption that if there are challenges balancing the new role with home life, it will be OP's responsibility to solve them, and she will only be able to do so by resigning. this assumption is toxic, fucked up, and also stupid. There are a dozen ways to address that challenge other than OP resigning with no job to go to. But it just speaks to how deeply the whole "woman makes all the career sacrifices and her job is expendable" paradigm has worked itself into some people's heads.

@pointythings

zebra why would she be the one to resign? If you look at the OP, the husband's objectives were about housework, not childcare, drop-off and pick-up issues. And OP in a subsequent post mentioned she does the lion's share of the housework anyway.

And if it doesn't work, OP can look for another job while in post, then make a move - resigning is not the only option.

The husband's objections were that he never gets to see her and that she's not available to help (eg with housework) - during a time where she's been WFH and after school care hasn't applied.

So why wouldn't school pick up and other situations need to be considered within the decision making process? Majority of posters seem to be saying that it's entirely the ops decision to take, without considering the impact on anyone else in the family and that they just have to accept and accommodate it. That seems to me to be the opposite of what a marriage of partnership should be and I doubt it would be acceptable if it was the husband presenting such a fait au complit and then telling his wife to accommodate him.

Why would she resign? People take new jobs all the time and the household adjusts. Seems to be some huge over reactions on this thread.

SeagoingSexpot

No, not at all. I don't think that women should bear all of the sacrifices or responsibility. I think whoever is responsible for changing the existing situation should have to discuss it first before going ahead and that's regardless of whether it's the man or the wife. As I said earlier, if the dh works nights and does the school runs and holidays it wouldn't be acceptable for him to simply tell his wife that he's now accepted a job on the day shift and she's now responsible for sorting out 50% of the school run plus school holidays, regardless of how that affects her job. Changes like that should be discussed and the consequences examined and then solutions found between the couple. Not just a "I'm doing this, suck it up".

I also think it's only sensible to consider how any changes impact on the day to day needs of the family - they're not some way out "what ifs" are they?

@Parker231

Why would she resign? People take new jobs all the time and the household adjusts. Seems to be some huge over reactions on this thread.

So would you have no problem with your partner coming home to tell you that they've changed their job and this means that you now have to change certain aspects of your life? No discussion with you, just this is what's happening deal with it?

The OP is already doing the job, and doing it within fully manageable hours. If it can be done fully remotely, then there are no emergencies that make it impossible for a manager to physically leave. Any critical issues can be dealt with by email or phone after hours. Going back to the office (which is likely to be on a part time basis at most) is not going to change anything significant based on the scenario described.

OP would be getting different responses if the new job required a big escalation in hours or lots of travel. I would fully expect a discussion if either partner was offered a job likely to require frequent working away. The responses she is getting are based on the situation as described, and based on the situation as described, the DH's responses are bullshit.

I wouldn't take the role but that's me, you have to do what's right for you.
Spending time with my family is important as is seeing my dh at night. The problem is him being on his phone during your time together, not the decision whether to take a job or not.
I'd like a job like your dh where the employer lets you sleep on the job. Where does he work?

SeagoingSexpot

Quite a lot of assumptions there - it fits into reasonable hours, can be done from home, will only require going back into the office part time - who says?

Op hasn't really done the job during normal times so can't accurately say what happens if, say, an urgent problem crops up late afternoon or if a meeting is over running, because she's not really been in the office for those things to happen.

All I'm saying is that those type of scenarios should be considered and if they are a possibility then how they handle them should be discussed. The same with household chores. Maybe a solution is to go back to the drawing board and look at everything that needs doing and then re allocate. But it should still be done in discussion with her dh, not just "I'm taking this job. It means you'll have to do X, Y and Z, no discussion"

Offer to pay a cleaner. Then he's not being put upon by housework (rolls eyes).

Take the job and hire a second staff member and house cleaner when restrictions (if you have them where you are) lift.

Another thought, OP. You've said that your husband works shifts. I'm sure that in order for him to take the job with irregular hours, you needed to make some sort of sacrifice to allow this to happen in terms of childcare, hobbies and socialising. Life evolves and families adapt. If he's not prepared to support you in your career progress now, would he "allow" it later on in your lives or is this as far as your status goes?

Take the job and tell him if he’s worried about the housework, you’ll get a cleaner.

The husband's objections were that he never gets to see her and that she's not available to help (eg with housework) - during a time where she's been WFH and after school care hasn't applied.
So why wouldn't school pick up and other situations need to be considered within the decision making process?

the simple solution is, of course, that the shift-working other half packs in his job and sorts it out. If you have one person working weird shifts it often falls to the one working the non-weird shifts to sort out all the regular things like school, clubs etc etc.

When that happened in our household we employed a childminder. And split chores and decided who would do which pick-ups in advance. And if that person couldn't do the pick up* they were responsible for making alternative arrangements. It was never left simply to the lower (shift working) paid parent to pick up all the slack, and the much higher (mostly regular hours) parent didn't get to play the "my job is way more important card" except at critical points (which were part of the advance agreements) month end closing and occasional weekend working (took the DCs to the office…)

OP's DH just seems to want to preserve the status quo without considering the benefits a promotion for OP will bring to the whole family.

*barring accidents and life-or-death events.

Congrats op, and get a cleaner.

the simple solution is, of course, that the shift-working other half packs in his job and sorts it out. If you have one person working weird shifts it often falls to the one working the non-weird shifts to sort out all the regular things like school, clubs etc etc.

Good idea. Wonder how op will feel about becoming sole wage earner? Obviously, it's not up to her, it's the husband's job so it's his decision to take without consultation because apparently that's how it works.

What I'd be asking is how is the housework going to get done of your at work?

OP has already stated she currently does most of the housework. So the answer to your question is: her DH picks up more so that he's doing his fair share, and they get a cleaner in to do some of it too. Your post assumes housework is OP's job because she's female. Is that what you intended?

Your use of the term 'allow' is very

When that happened in our household we employed a childminder. And split chores and decided who would do which pick-ups in advance. And if that person couldn't do the pick up they were responsible for making alternative arrangements. It was never left simply to the lower (shift working) paid parent to pick up all the slack, and the much higher (mostly regular hours) parent didn't get to play the "my job is way more important card" except at critical points (which were part of the advance agreements) month end closing and occasional weekend working (took the DCs to the office…)*

And presumably all of this was discussed and agreed with by the two of you, rather than one of you telling the other that's how it was going to be and it wasn't up for discussion, which is what is being urged on this thread.

Tbh, I can kinda see both sides here.

Knee jerk reaction is that he shouldn't be holding you back from your aspirations, but OTOH people always moan on here about the wife being left with all the housework whilst the husband swans around in his ideal career.

Take the job!!

Take the job!