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Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
Shmurf · 21/07/2020 12:56

I truly think the responses would be different if the question was "my husband wants to take a promotion but I'm worried about being left with all the housework".

That said, it's better IMO to find a way to make it work than to abandon the opportunity if you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2020 12:57

@PeachandPineapple
WOW - Please read OP's posts.
They work together on the housework or come up with solutions TOGETHER to resolve it.
Why is it OP's responsibility?
Because she is a 'woman'!?
As she has always done it I would suggest it's now his turn to step up!

Queequeg07 · 21/07/2020 13:03

Obviously "get a cleaner" is the new "cancel the cheque".

pointythings · 21/07/2020 13:03

OP's DH works 7 hour shifts, some of which are spent doing nothing much - so he can absolutely do more.

And now I've really heard it all - another excuse for the man not to do his share even when both partners work. Are you a man or a surrendered wife, Pineapple? OP's husband doesn't get to have a veto. He gets to have an opinion, which can be taken on board - or not.

PeachandPineapple · 21/07/2020 13:05

This reply has been deleted

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lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 13:05

OTOH people always moan on here about the wife being left with all the housework whilst the husband swans around in his ideal career.

Well that's pretty much their current situation... and she's not even complaining about it, just trying to redress the imbalance by the tiniest amount.

Shmurf · 21/07/2020 13:05

I hate all this surrended wife crap. What about the "I drive a Range Rover but only work three days a week" crowd?

3rdNamechange · 21/07/2020 13:06

@PeachandPineapple OPs DH should have a veto over whether she takes the job ???? What ? Have we slipped back in time to 1950.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 13:08

[quote PeachandPineapple]@pointythings

I think a good solution may be for the OP to discuss her housework responsibilities with her boss before she accepts the role. That way she can ascertain whether she could work more flexibly perhaps in order to fit in her cooking and cleaning duties.[/quote]
OMFG.

The 1950s are >>> that way, Pineapple.

Fortunately we are living in 2020, where men are expected to do their bit and women get to advance their careers.

namesnames · 21/07/2020 13:09

Take the job.

Have you calculated the weekly hours you work now compared to your old job, including travelling and breaks?

Is it possible he has not adjusted to you WFM, therefore confusing life before lockdown when your time was free, iykwim, whenever you were not in the office?

Zombot · 21/07/2020 13:11

Take the job OP, you will regret it and resent your H if you don't.

But you need to discuss how to manage the things he is concerned about, not just dismiss them as unreasonable. Housework and childxare can be outsourced to make things easier for both of you.
The concern he has that you won't be able to spend time with him should not be ignored. You say he's just watching TV and on his phone in the evenings but that doesn't mean you should continue working and ignore him.

Talk to eachother. Work through the issues together. None of his issues can't be resolved.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 13:19

And yes, the response would be different if the sexes were reversed - with very good reason.

We all know that, even in households where the husband thinks he's carrying about half the domestic load, the split is on average about 70/30, benefiting the man. In lots of households the woman does almost or actually everything domestic and child-related.

So yes, were this case reversed, I'd react differently to a man who wanted to drop from 20% of domestic labour to 5% to further his career, than a woman who wants to drop from 80% to 65%.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2020 13:22

After the last post I believe @PeachandPineapple is being ironic.
Phew - I thought you were being serious for a minute.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 13:27

lottie you are so right. I remember having this conversation with my DH - and this was when we were still getting on. He accused me of not pulling my weight, so I did up a spreadsheet. And then he said that doing all the food shopping didn't count because it was 'an outing' and the childcare didn't count either because 'I enjoyed spending time with the kids'.

Should have seen it coming back then, really. We were 70/30 then, and after he dove into the bottle that dropped to 100/0.

bettybyebye · 21/07/2020 13:34

Definitely take the job OP...you will massively regret it if you don’t. For what it’s worth, I earn significantly more than my DH and it’s not an issue for him at all, he appreciates that my salary allows us to live a much more comfortable lifestyle

CucumberTree · 21/07/2020 13:34

Take the job!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 13:41

@Shmurf

I truly think the responses would be different if the question was "my husband wants to take a promotion but I'm worried about being left with all the housework".

That said, it's better IMO to find a way to make it work than to abandon the opportunity if you can.

And that's exactly it. No one would countenance a dh deciding to change jobs and then just telling his wife that's how it was going to be and she needs to accommodate it. Literally no one yet they're all here encouraging op to do just that.
KetoIFWinnie · 21/07/2020 13:43

If he divorces you, he'll be quick enough to protect his pension i bet, so take it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 13:47

@lottiegarbanzo

And yes, the response would be different if the sexes were reversed - with very good reason.

We all know that, even in households where the husband thinks he's carrying about half the domestic load, the split is on average about 70/30, benefiting the man. In lots of households the woman does almost or actually everything domestic and child-related.

So yes, were this case reversed, I'd react differently to a man who wanted to drop from 20% of domestic labour to 5% to further his career, than a woman who wants to drop from 80% to 65%.

And that's rubbish.

My dh does way more than 50%. He does about 90% around the house and works six days a week. Does that mean he can just come and drop any work related bombshell into my lap and I just have to go along with it?

The fact is, our life is what it is and either of us wanting to change it should be prepared to discuss it with the other and listen to their concerns. If you aren't willing to consider your partner's opinions then why are you with them? You should be single and suit yourself.

toomuchtooold · 21/07/2020 13:55

For the love of all that's holy, take the job.

gamerchick · 21/07/2020 13:56

@PeachandPineapple

What I'd be asking is how is the housework going to get done of your at work? It's not fair on your DH to be having to come home to a mountain of cooking and cleaning. I can certainly see why he's upset at the prospect of having to do two people's work.

If I were him, I'd only allow you to take the new job on the proviso that a cleaner was brought in for a couple of hours a week.

Wtf am I reading? Hmm fucking allow ALLOW? Housework getting done like it's right at the top of what a woman should be doing? There's some fucked up posts on this thread. Are you a dude pineapple ?
gamerchick · 21/07/2020 13:58

After the last post I believe @PeachandPineapple is being ironic

Thank god Grin
.
Phew - I thought you were being serious for a minute

Hard to ruddy tell these days man.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 13:58

I think a good solution may be for the OP to discuss her housework responsibilities with her boss before she accepts the role. That way she can ascertain whether she could work more flexibly perhaps in order to fit in her cooking and cleaning duties.

Please tell me that's sarcasm.Hmm

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2020 14:05

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble I do fucking hope so!
Can you imagine a bloke getting a promotion and going to his boss to discuss housework responsibilities before taking it!?
No wonder this world and the rights of women is so fucked up!
Some of this is really scary to read.
And no doubt, the reason I am so happily single!

WriteronaMission · 21/07/2020 14:09

Take the job. Your DH shouldn't be holding you back.

We do talk about these things in our house. Something like, would it be right for me to take on an extra client. Is it worth the extra money if I don't get as much done around the house? It's a serious conversation we have and plan things out but usually it is more to plan things differently.

My DH went from SAHD to working out the house full time. Since I WAH in my own business, things shifted back to me. It was something that made him happy and we make it work. Happiness in a job is important and your DH needs to understand that OP.

By the sounds of it, it's not even going to change much. It hasn't already changed much, in fact. I don't think I missed one of your responses about it.

If you don't take the role permanently, it sounds like you'll regret it. Don't do something you'll regret.