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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

162 replies

TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:40

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 20/07/2020 14:43

YANBU, I would take them out for no meal at all with that attitude.

But why can't you take them out to lunch with your DC? Especially for your Dads birthday.

ThousandsAreSailing · 20/07/2020 14:43

They are being childish and ridiculous
Take them to a local greasy spoon for a £5 fry up for their second treat

SleepingStandingUp · 20/07/2020 14:44

Ignoring how childish all this sounds....

ILs got a fancy meal out, what kind of price per head? How does this compare with the fancy one you proposed to your parents?

How long has it been since you took ILs out?
How old is baby?

Slanabhaile · 20/07/2020 14:44

Seems a bit extreme to me, one really nice meal should be enough. Is it the value of the meal, they want the same spent on them as your in-laws & then more for birthday dinner? So that's why they want two meals out?

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:46

I could take them out for lunch with DC but my parents like to have long lunches with lots to drink, and whilst DD is wonderful being out and about, she is only 13 months and there is a limit to how long she’ll last.

I suppose we could do a more casual lunch for DF’s birthday with DD and get a babysitter for the posher lunch but it was the general attitude of DParents that annoyed me. I think if it was me, at this point I’d probably say ‘oh don’t worry about birthday lunch, it was so long ago, let’s just go somewhere nice’ etc etc

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 20/07/2020 14:46

I'm likely against the grain here but you have profited from their financial and practical help, and have offered them a nice dinner as a thank you, so should get that particularly as you've 'gifted that to your partners family. The pub lunch should be separate as that as for your fathers birthday and it would be appropriate for your daughter to come too. If your parents were giving you some money for renovations and then said 'actually your birthday is soon so we'll not bother getting you anything since you're getting that' would you feel cherished?

Sunnydayshereatlast · 20/07/2020 14:47

Great so it's McDonald's for Saturday and KFC Sunday. Your dps are Cfers imo.

Calibrachoa · 20/07/2020 14:48

Just take them out for a meal and give your dad a restaurant voucher for his birthday.

44PumpLane · 20/07/2020 14:49

I voted YABU because its such a non issue and if your parents would rather 2 meals instead of 1 uber fancy then I think you should do that.

Do the same as you did for your IL's as the Thank you Meal, then for the birthday meal go for lunch to somewhere you can take your child. Depending how old the child is see if you can go to somewhere with outdoor space or if that's not going to work leave your husband at home and you take your barents for a 1 hour pub lunch.

Clearly they would rather have 2 lesser meals so just go with it.

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:49

@Slanabhaile the value of the meal I’ve suggested for my parents would actually be more than the value of the meal for the in-laws. Not because we don’t treat them equally, but just because PILs chose a restaurant they like, which , whilst fancy, isn’t as expensive as the one I’ve suggested for my parents.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 20/07/2020 14:49

What did they do for your most recent birthday? And what did you do for your DM's recent birthday?

...trying to get an idea of reasonable expectations in your family.

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 14:50

YANBU for your suggestion, it’s a good to take them to a much nicer restaurant to acknowledge both things.

But YABU for not taking their desires on the chin. Because at the end of the day, you promised two meals OP.

I totally agree that the birthday meal should be in a child friendly place (maybe even the posh meal if at all possible).

Divebar · 20/07/2020 14:51

Well I should think the one lunch should be fine but how much financial assistance / DIY have you actually had from them? You were able to get work done that presumably you would have had to do all yourself or paid someone to do And/ Or had financial assistance from them so perhaps for the sake of family unity suck it up. Perhaps you could get a posh picnic for your DF and take the baby for that and then do the dinner as the thank you. I had a special birthday in lockdown and I got a company to make a lunch / high tea for me to take on a pic-nic. Added some champagne and it was lovely.

Tooshytoshine · 20/07/2020 14:51

Maybe there is a compromise... Meal out then a home cooked lunch where your daughter is there... If they are good for babysitting and you have limited options then appeasement may be the best solution as an annoyed grandparent can be tricky!

Tbh though, I would just laugh, let them be annoyed and not think about it. They seem to have a nice life 😊

Hopefulhen · 20/07/2020 14:51

I find it so weird that a grown family member would be demanding any kind of ‘treat’! Your offer of a fancy meal out to thank your parents was lovely. I would crack on with arranging childcare and booking the restaurant. With regards to your dads birthday, I would just give him a present instead because arranging two meals is a hassle and he has somewhat tainted it.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/07/2020 14:52

I think they're a bit cheeky but you did offer, and then must have agreed Re birthday otherwise you should have said actually were not getting Dad anything / we've anyway brought something.

So babysitter for dinner to say thank you, and then carvery etc for family birthday meal. If they want to stay on and get pissed either send DH home with dp after an hour or so and stay on our say we're going after dessert because of DD. Are places not putting time limits on atm cos of bookings etc?

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:53

Maybe I should just do a bog standard pub lunch for DF with our DD and a less fancy lunch without DD for the thank you. It was more the way they were demanding it that got my back up. I’m way more laid back than them and having one meal combined for two occasions really wouldn’t bother me at all.

This makes me seem so ungrateful for all their help but we really did appreciate it.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/07/2020 14:53

You promised them outing 1 as the thank you (ditto PILs, who have had theirs)

You promised them outing 2 as a birthday present.

Now if you had been able to do outing 1 earlier, would you have said 'We took you out recently, that's your birthday present' ?

You owe a thank you present and a birthday present.

You can of course change your mind about giving either present at all. But do you really want to be so hurtful?

I do understand about lack of baby sitter. But it is worth finding sonome who you can leave DC with, just in case of emergencies (or something else you really want to do) in future

katy1213 · 20/07/2020 14:58

Greggs one day, McDonalds the next - and don't invite them again! If they can't enjoy a Michelin * dinner without calculating whether someone else has done better, I really couldn't be bothered trying to please them again.

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:58

@LannieDuck for my DM’s birthday, they came here and I cooked a nice meal with wine etc whilst DD was in bed. However my DM is a bit of a drama queen and if no fuss is made, she gets in a right huff. She got separate presents from me, husband and from DD plus all separate cards because otherwise ‘we don’t care’.

DF on the other hand is a man of little words and generally acts like he’s not bothered. Which is why the reaction to the ‘two for one’ meal has surprised me

My birthday is up-coming and I would expect what I usually get- a voucher for a department store and a card. Nothing organized for going out unless I sorted it.

OP posts:
InTheWings · 20/07/2020 14:58

You were quick off the mark taking your ILs out, but then left it to take your own parents. Your Mum had an operation, but you seemed to have left it after her 'wait period' and were then unable to go out for an entire 9 months?

Then you started talking about taking them out for a birthday lunch before you had even honoured the first invitation.

They are behaving childishly...but I would not be surprised if they are feeling a bit second fiddle.

InTheWings · 20/07/2020 14:59

Why not do a nice afternoon out for the birthday - so you can take your Dd. NT grounds and tea, or something?

BessMarvin · 20/07/2020 14:59

I can see both sides of it but I think the way they are behaving about it is childish

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:59

I should add I do love my parents dearly but gosh they can be hard work Grin

OP posts:
PanickingAtDiscos · 20/07/2020 15:00

They sound grabby and hard work.

Yes you benefited from their help but preaumably they were happy to help. It really gets my goat when strings appear afterwards.

Yes you promised two meals but the circumstances have changed massively since then. Would they insist the same if you had lost your jobs in the interim?

You've offered something else that seems reasonable, because there are good reasons why you now can't do two meals. The gracious thing to do would be to accept your new offer, since it's a thank you not a contract!

If they are still being difficult I'd just gift them the approximate value of their meals in cash, then make it clear that the matter is now closed and don't accept any help from them or promise them any more in future. (You would actually save money that way anyway, not having to pay for your own meals, taxis, tips, babysitters etc!)