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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

162 replies

TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:40

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

OP posts:
user327253 · 20/07/2020 15:02

DD is 13 months?! Is this the same DC you were pregnant with? So the promised thank you meal must be 2 years overdue or thereabouts now? I can understand how these things happen, but it was really poor of you to offer a future lunch out as a lockdown birthday present to your father when everything was closed when you already owe them a meal. I think that is what has ticked your mum off tbh. She was probably fine with writing off the first meal until you didn't bother with the birthday present. I can actually totally see where she is coming from. Have a family friendly pub lunch with your toddler and parents and then the fancy meal when you have a babysitter. Or just pay for them to go on their own!

AlwaysCheddar · 20/07/2020 15:02

Fuck that for a laugh. Stop pandering to their whims and tell them to grow the fuck up. Or just you take them to reasonable lunch, leaving dh and kids at home, then cheap pub lunch for birthday.

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 15:03

Thank you @PanickingAtDiscos that’s summed it up nicely. I will point out the the original offer of the ‘thank you’ meal was more than 18 months ago! We never said we wouldn’t do it, but life just got in the way (from both sides)

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 20/07/2020 15:04

This makes me seem so ungrateful
I think it does tbh, to say it's a thank you meal you don't sound very, very thankful. You promised two meals, one as a birthday celebration, one as a thank you, so get them two meals! I know there have been some extenuating circumstances but if you've bought, done up and then sold a house without sorting it out, I would be thinking that the thankyou meal has not been a priority, so maybe they feel a bit put out, especially since your in laws have had theirs.

LannieDuck · 20/07/2020 15:04

Maybe still take them out for the thank you meal, and gift DF a voucher for a lunch for 2?

You need an easy option which isn't logistically challenging or time intensive. They seem to want separate recognition of DF's birthday. I reckon if a voucher is good enough for your birthday present, it should be good enough for his too.

Camassia · 20/07/2020 15:05

I'd take them for a nice leisurely lunch on par with the one the in laws had, just the four of you with wine etc. and a taxi home. Then the following week go for a "two eat for the price of one" midweek tea at 5pm with your daughter, at a local pub near to where you live. Travel separately and meet them there. Tell them beforehand that you will be leaving at 6.30pm as it is daughter's bedtime. Half a lager each. Sorted!

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 15:05

Thanks all for the replies. I think I’ll do a family friendly pub lunch for DF’s birthday and take them to same place for the thank you meal that I took the PILs- that way there’s no arguments!

OP posts:
Carandi · 20/07/2020 15:05

I think your DM is unreasonable to get annoyed that they haven't had their thank you lunch, seeing as she said no at the beginning and wanted to wait. Circumstances have since got in the way so it's not your fault it hasn't happened.

That aside, I'd do two meals but the birthday lunch would be a very cheap pub lunch, not something fancy like the thank you one will be. Either that or host a lovely dinner at home for them.

MysteryParcels · 20/07/2020 15:06

I should add I do love my parents dearly but gosh they can be hard work

I hear you, i really do!

However in this case I think they're perfectly reasonable to still want two meals. It does sound like a bit of a cop out to offer to take your dad for a meal when you've already got a meal outstanding.

If one has to be shorter because you can't get childcare twice (really?) Then so be it - go out for lunch then invite them back to yours for cake.

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 15:06

Your mum is bloody annoying for expecting a cooked meal, and presents from all 3 of you when all she does is bung a voucher in a card.

However, how much financial help are we taking? My parents were never in a position to help financially but I think I could deal with some drama queen behaviour for some big ones.

laudete · 20/07/2020 15:08

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky.

^Did your parents babysit while you took PIL out for lunch??

In any case, it's not about the lunch you promised your parents. It's the fact that you promptly thanked your PIL (with their lunch), didn't get around to thanking your parents (due to various health circumstances) and you're now trying to pass off dad's birthday gift as your belated thank you. With gifts, it's never about the monetary value; it's about the thought.

Gogogadgetarms · 20/07/2020 15:10

I know it sounds petty but I think you should try and honour both meals.
They are obviously feeling put out that your in laws got their nice meal and maybe it does make them feel unappreciated that you want to roll the occasions together.

Marcipex · 20/07/2020 15:10

They sound crazy to me.
Who demands a better meal offer, because it isn’t fair?
I don’t know anyone who would behave like this.

OrangeCinnamon1 · 20/07/2020 15:12

Perhaps it us less about the meal but more about the time they get to spend with you all? Ot the time you want to spend...

ZipNipPip · 20/07/2020 15:19

I can’t imagine my DP being so demanding. Yes they helped you and a fancy meal was promised but life changed on both sides and it sounds like it’s been at least 2 years now!!! Most DP wouldn’t even mention it again surely. Obviously it would be a nice thing to do still of course and I do think you should give them what you gave your PIL. Having said that your DP should realise you have a baby now and cant go out as often so should be more flexible to lovely home cooked meal or a more suitable shorter meal for your whole family. It’s quite odd to have your PIL babysit twice so you can treat your parents to meals imo. Your DM sounds very spoilt. Imagine demanding her dd, sil and gdd all give individual gifts rather than a family one!!!

ThousandsAreSailing · 20/07/2020 15:21

They are so precious and terrified someone may get more

Billben · 20/07/2020 15:22

All this drama queen behaviour of your DM is because people are willing to pander to her.

Fedup21 · 20/07/2020 15:25

I can’t imagine my mum ever mentioning something like this-they sound like kids having a big strop because they think they’ve missed out!

Take them to McDonald’s.

GhostCurry · 20/07/2020 15:26

“ I will point out the the original offer of the ‘thank you’ meal was more than 18 months ago!”

Err... I don’t think that pointing this out will make you look any better, OP.

Ok your parents are being a bit childish, but they are at least vocalising something that many might feel but simply stew over. It’s not the gift, it’s the fact that you thanked the in-laws and not them.

Just because time has passed, that doesn’t lessen the effort they went to to help you out.

Also - I’d take an incredibly dim view of your attitude that because the in-laws never help with babysitting, they are the ones who get taken out more. Can you not see the inherent injustice in that?!

wineandroses1 · 20/07/2020 15:27

Good grief, your parents sound nuts! All this time ago, and they're still going on about it - especially as you basically just got a voucher from them! Send them a voucher and say there you go!

Nottherealslimshady · 20/07/2020 15:31

God that's ballsy. We have missed a birthday, mothers day, fathers day during lockdown. These will be covered with one meal at a nice enough restaurant 😂
I'd book the same restaurant two days in a row just so then can see how ridiculous it it.

romeolovedjulliet · 20/07/2020 15:32

tbh op your parents sound a pita, even if they helped out in the past, i doubt that you held a gun to their heads and made them help., so tomy mind, we've done x,y,z for you in the past is irrelevant now.

FrangipaniBlue · 20/07/2020 15:33

I think it's perhaps more about the amount of time they get to spend with you and your DD than they actually want 2 meals out.

It sounds like you haven't spent much quality time together (there is a different between seeing someone and spending time with the IMHO) so I'm willing to bet they feel short changed and like you don't want to spend time with them.

I bet it's not at all about the amount of money being spent.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 20/07/2020 15:34

I think they are being a bit childish, but they are expressing how most people would probably feel in their situation but know it would be childisj to say

You owe them a thankyou meal, the majority of the postponement seems to be from your end due to the baby/no babysitting.

You also owe your dad a Bday present, you dont have to make it a meal but I think its actually quite lazy to bung his present in with their thankyou from 18mnths ago

Wakaranaihito · 20/07/2020 15:36

I think there is a subtext you are missing. They obviously feel a little let down and side lined. The help they have given was invaluable and you promised a treat. You've now amalgamated the treat as it is more convenient for you. You could easily have a post meal for the thank you and treat them both to something for the birthday. You don't have to go out twice but you do have to treat them equally with the in laws.