Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

162 replies

TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:40

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/07/2020 17:43

You are taking them out for a meal because they have helped out over the years with hose purchase and so on. . Wow how magnanimous of you. But only you haven't yet and they've waited months. Not surprised they are annoyed.

sadie9 · 20/07/2020 17:51

I think you are missing the point of the pointed remarks from your DParents. Your Mother is a princess who gets her husband to do her dirty work for her. I suspect she communicates in the form of pointed remarks and other 'messages'.
Basically she is really really jealous of other relationships that you have. Your PIL relationship will always be a source of comparison for her.
It's not that you haven't taken her for a meal, what has been bugging the absolute shit out of her is that you and your PIL had a meal out WITHOUT her. She feels slighted and put out and as you know, is the type to harbour and nurse a grudge to prove what a victim she is and how everyone should feel sorry for her.
Your solution of have them over for an informal lunch then take them out to same place as the PILs.
Mark my words, during that meal where the PIL went, your mother will refer to that in some way. Then you'll see where the issue really was.

MissusMaker · 20/07/2020 17:52

If it helps with the childcare issue could you either leave DH and DD at home and just go with your parents or else just oh for a nice meal for parents but not go yourselves?

Idontlikewednesdays · 20/07/2020 18:02

Your mum is being very petty.

DishingOutDone · 20/07/2020 18:03

I think its a bit tacky when people get excited over "nice meals". I agree with a previous poster who said get them restaurant vouchers they can go on their own. Also maybe a couple of T shirts that say "we're having a nice meal". Excited face emoticon. Hmm

Iwalkinmyclothing · 20/07/2020 18:03

@Viviennemary

You are taking them out for a meal because they have helped out over the years with hose purchase and so on. . Wow how magnanimous of you. But only you haven't yet and they've waited months. Not surprised they are annoyed.
That's a grubby way to look at relationships and helping out loved ones. It's not about being rewarded, surely?
lilgreen · 20/07/2020 18:03

If it was time with their daughter they wanted, that’s free!

Whenwillthisbeover · 20/07/2020 18:08

@PolPotNoodle

I'm likely against the grain here but you have profited from their financial and practical help, and have offered them a nice dinner as a thank you, so should get that particularly as you've 'gifted that to your partners family. The pub lunch should be separate as that as for your fathers birthday and it would be appropriate for your daughter to come too. If your parents were giving you some money for renovations and then said 'actually your birthday is soon so we'll not bother getting you anything since you're getting that' would you feel cherished?
I agree with this.
user1498572889 · 20/07/2020 18:09

Oh dear. They sound like hard work. Take them out for dinner then take them out for lunch then don’t ever have them help you again.

Notonthestairs · 20/07/2020 18:10

Not sure why there is so much flak about the wait - part of it was because the OP's mum has an operation, their holiday to South Africa and then the restaurants were closed for lockdown.

My IL's would be quite happy to change 2 meals for 1 Michelin starred restaurant. My Dad would prefer a home cooked meal. But it takes all sorts.

Do the two meals Op and that way you've covered all the bases. I agree going out on your own for one of the meals would help solve the childcare issue.

Cactuslockdown · 20/07/2020 18:13

Get them a couple of happy meals and be done with it. How mean of them to spoil your lovely gesture

Viviennemary · 20/07/2020 18:14

It was OP herself who said it was in return for help. And now her Dad is getting no birthday present but a meal instead. Maybe I've misunderstood.

Looneytune253 · 20/07/2020 18:14

I can see their point but most people would be too polite to say it. Could you not buy a physical present for your df instead and just have the one meal?

Grobagsforever · 20/07/2020 18:17

Wow they sound greedy and lacking in manners! YANBU

Kerry987 · 20/07/2020 18:17

YABU

2 meals is fair considering how much they have helped you. They didn’t ask to go to a michelin restaurant. It looks like they want two outings which is not really much.

PrimalLass · 20/07/2020 18:17

Is hardly going to be enjoyable if they are demanding it.

Chloemol · 20/07/2020 18:19

Your parents need to grow up

forrestgreen · 20/07/2020 18:33

Poor behaviour on their part. Price up what you spent on PIL meal against either
Posh meal out for joint occasions
And
Pub meal out for birthday and a nice meal out as a Thank you.
And give them the option but be wary of them over ordering to push the value up.

cabingirl · 20/07/2020 18:47

You know it's not about the meal/gift/amount of money in itself. It's about hurt feelings.

This is how they are feeling:

You wanted to thank both sets of parents by taking them out of a nice meal. You then took out your inlaws and almost 2 years later still haven't 'bothered' to do the same for your own parents.

Now you may feel that you had perfectly valid reasons etc but you know how it goes - people may forget what you said or did but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Just make them feel special and appreciated - and that comes from your attitude to them not the amount of money you spend.

Durgasarrow · 20/07/2020 18:55

Are restaurants even open???

BigYellowFlower · 20/07/2020 18:59

Buy your dad a present/vouchers for his birthday instead and go out for just one meal (the thank-you meal).

I think their attitude a bit OTT but if you rely on them for things then I'd suck it up. But I'd not go for two meals Smile

InTheWings · 20/07/2020 19:16

Did they babysit when you took the ILs out?

Pr1mr0se · 20/07/2020 19:31

What an attitude of entitlement. I wouldn't enjoy one meal let alone two with that kind of response. Sounds like a little reminder about the last few months is in order to put it into perspective.

Shizzlestix · 20/07/2020 19:33

I think they’re being silly. They went on a 3 month trip, then it was lockdown. One outing would do, particularly given the difficulty of childcare.

HannahStern · 20/07/2020 19:35

What do you think is the underlying issue with your DPs?

Are they jealous of your PILs?
Are they greedy and want more?
Would they like to spend more time with you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread