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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

162 replies

TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:40

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

OP posts:
Sally872 · 20/07/2020 15:37

It should be one lunch as thank you. The mistake was calling it thank you/birthday lunch when PIL got 2 lunches.

Go somewhere kids friendly for one of lunches.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 20/07/2020 15:37

I am still 'owed' a mother's day afternoon tea out and a birthday meal from dd..
Tbh I am just bloody glad we are all still alive in these current times!!

JazzaGal · 20/07/2020 15:38

You sound hard work and are ungrateful. The least you can do is honour both meals. Taking your parents to the same place as your in-laws sounds like a good idea. Maybe gift a gift voucher for the two of them to have lunch at the Michelin restaurant would make up for how late you are with your promise. Use the profits from your house sale. I think you've behaved pretty poorly.

QueSera · 20/07/2020 15:39

I would tell them this restaurant meal is more costly than PILs' meal - therefore acceptable to cover both 'thank you' meal and birthday meal.
Personally I would do the nice 'thank you' meal as promised from ages ago, plus the birthday meal. This seems like the situation where people whose birthday is on/near Christmas just receive one gift that is supposed to cover both. Very unfair.

poppy1973 · 20/07/2020 15:44

I would say to them, that the thank you lunch will have to be with the children and will be a local Toby in the week. You can then at a later date cook a nice belated birthday lunch at home and make a small cake. They can't really complain then.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 20/07/2020 15:45

I put YANBU because I'd jump at the chance of a Michelin meal, but I'm wondering whether your parents are objecting because they want to spend more time with you? Especially as from their POV you've spent time with the in-laws saying thank you.

Dahlietta · 20/07/2020 15:48

They’re being fairly silly, but the mistake you made was offering a meal out when you already owed them one. You should have just got him a box of peppermint creams.

wildcherries · 20/07/2020 15:52

@InTheWings

You were quick off the mark taking your ILs out, but then left it to take your own parents. Your Mum had an operation, but you seemed to have left it after her 'wait period' and were then unable to go out for an entire 9 months?

Then you started talking about taking them out for a birthday lunch before you had even honoured the first invitation.

They are behaving childishly...but I would not be surprised if they are feeling a bit second fiddle.

Agree with this.
WeAllHaveWings · 20/07/2020 15:52

Demanding is OTT, but if my parents had given me that amount of support they would not have had to "demand".

A belated fancy meal as a thank you to let them know how much you appreciated all their help, and a pub lunch with the DC for grandpas birthday treat.

Rosieposy4 · 20/07/2020 15:55

I thunk YABU. You promised them a meal more than 18 months ago, but still haven’t got round to taking them out. Then go “oh and that meal can also do for your birthday” 😳
If you had gone out promptly for the first thank you I am sure you would be saying 18 months later, “ oh by the way that meal included your present for this year”
They now think that you are all words and never deliver on your offers.
( and the babysitting thing is ridiculously unreasonable ILs can’t babysit so can be taken out more ofter)

back2good · 20/07/2020 15:56

I don't think much of your petty, bean-counting parents. I can't even imagine treating my children this way when they are adults with families of their own. I will be wanting to help make their lives easier, not the other way around, especially in such a petty pathetic manner!

Chewbecca · 20/07/2020 16:00

I would be curious to hear the parents' perspective.

If I were your Dad and told on my birthday that my gift was a meal out when the last gifted meal out (12m or more earlier?) hadn't yet been made time for, it would feel like a hollow non-gift. Just get him a small gift instead. Or cook for him at home.

I don't know why you haven't found time yet, yes you have been busy but this is just one evening we are talking about.

Plus, do your parents desire the Michelin starred meal? Is it their 'thing'?

rainatnightlove · 20/07/2020 16:08

How rude! They should be grateful they're getting even one meal out.

Original poster
TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 16:10

Thanks all for the replies. I think we will do both meals, but make one meal not as fancy as we intended.

To all those saying we’re ungrateful and ‘quick enough to take out the PILs’, it was honestly a case of the house being sold, we got settled in the new place and about a month later we took out the PILs first because my DM was about to have her operation. Once she was better, I offered the ‘thank you’ meal but she said she wanted to wait as it was so close to Christmas (not sure what that had to do with anything). Then I got pregnant, had baby, parents went away, lockdown happened.

So it’s not like it was never offered or forgotten about, life got in the way! We have discussed it a couple of times and we never said we weren’t going not do it or had forgot, things just got in the way.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies!

OP posts:
Rosebel · 20/07/2020 16:12

My parents wouldn't behave this way but you offered two meals so that's what you should do.
It's a bit mean to say oh well we're just going to combine your birthday present with the thank you meal. Especially if you've brought birthday presents for your ILs since then.
If you really do appreciate the help they gave you, you should do both meals. A less formal pub lunch for your dads birthday and a nice lunch to say thank you.

Gomezzz · 20/07/2020 16:13

I think I see both sides in that it seems a little over the top to make a big issue about it, but I could also see how bunging in with the birthday could rankle a little. Especially when the thank you meal has been promised for so long.

Michaelbaubles · 20/07/2020 16:14

Has everyone read the post about DM demanding separate gifts from OP, DH and the baby? That’s CF territory and it sounds like she’d never be happy with anything that was offered.

853690525d · 20/07/2020 16:19

They're incredibly childish and unpleasant to put pressure on you like this, especially them they turned down offers to take them out before. I don't know how you put up with it.

countrygirl99 · 20/07/2020 16:19

I take it they aren't really foodies if they are turning down the Michelin starred place. It sounds like the occasion of being taken out is the more important thing to them. My ILs would be the same, they would rather go twice to their local pub where everything is straight out of the microwave than once to somewhere posh. Given it's a gift to them that's what you have to go with. Though hopefully you won't end up at the pub my ILs like, it's grim overmicrowaved food with lousy service but they love it for some reason so twice a year we trot along and smile politely.

853690525d · 20/07/2020 16:19

when

Finals1234 · 20/07/2020 16:19

@PolPotNoodle

I'm likely against the grain here but you have profited from their financial and practical help, and have offered them a nice dinner as a thank you, so should get that particularly as you've 'gifted that to your partners family. The pub lunch should be separate as that as for your fathers birthday and it would be appropriate for your daughter to come too. If your parents were giving you some money for renovations and then said 'actually your birthday is soon so we'll not bother getting you anything since you're getting that' would you feel cherished?
I agree - as your have gained financially from their help I would suck it up and do two meals - one fancy one without your DD to say thank you, and then a less fancier one with your DD for his birthday.

I wouldn't want to be thought of as ungrateful for their help, so I'd just suck it up and keep things harmonious.

ConkerGame · 20/07/2020 16:20

This is so odd! Surely they wanted to help you because you are their daughter and not because they wanted a thank you gift? Their attitude is so different to my parents, who hate me spending any money on them!

Are they usually quite controlling or only doing things for you to get something in return? Or are they quite jealous of the in-laws in general? Seems odd that they wouldn’t realise it is circumstances that have led to the delay, not ungratefulness!

gnushoes · 20/07/2020 16:21

I think you're in the wrong. You offered two things and now you've gone back on it. They might well feel a bit second fiddle to the ILs. Smile sweetly, take them out twice.

Tlollj · 20/07/2020 16:25

I think you probably should take them out twice. But it does seem all a bit childish and keeping score.

minisoksmakehardwork · 20/07/2020 16:32

Why did they decline/want to wait after your mum's operation?

Tbh after over a year if I were your parents I would have written off the first meal, regardless of whether other people had received their 'reward' for helping. And your DF's birthday being over 6 months ago... one slap up meal at a posh place would more than satisfy me. I couldn't get het up over the perception that others had received more for the same thing.

I'm also wondering if there are other areas where your mum feels she has to have equal compared to in-laws - time with you, baby, presents, instead of getting what she gets because of her own circumstances.