Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

[TheIckabog]

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

@janicewebster - I would be delighted to have 1 Michelin star meal rather than 2 pub meals. I always considered myself normal and I'm a parent. And last time I looked the world I inhabit looked pretty real to me.

I would be querying my parenting skills if my kids are happy to take favours, promises thank-you and then change their mind at the last minute

It's hardly a thank-you when you make it obvious it's a chore for you, that's the thing.

And it’s hardly a nice evening when you’ve demanded it!

The point at the start of this was a show of gratitude for all they have done for you and this needs to be acknowledged as such because it is important to them.
You obviously see it differently but this IS about the thank you and a birthday separately and it means a lot to your parents for both things to be celebrated separately.
Our parents won't be with us forever so I would do as they ask and enjoy two lunches out at less expensive locations,it's a chance to make two lots of happy memories to cherish in the future.

And it’s hardly a nice evening when you’ve demanded it!

good thing that it was the OP who made the offer, isn't it.

For my calculators it's been nearly 2 years since you offered this thank you meal to your parents.Id say that a pretty long time to hold onto an offer and they should just let it go.

It doesn’t matter if she offered or not, it’s still a gift. Anyway, the offer is still there, a much nicer, expensive experience.

OP I think I'd do it slightly differently, depending on your relationship with your ILs. Whatever it takes babysitting wise, take them to the Michelin starred place for their thank you. Take them somewhere decent but not extravagant (maybe to make a point, the place you took your ILs for their thank you) for the birthday.

And then do the same for their birthdays as they do for yours. One card, one voucher in it.

as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway - except your DM, who expects to be treated like a queen but chooses the 'not really big' for everyone else.

YANBU

With my in laws earlier this year we did one big meal to celebrate two birthdays and Mother's Day

By your parents reckoning that should have been three separate meals

From my POV it's nothing to do with the money at all.

They helped you out, over the years, with your house. To thank them, you offered them a meal out. For whatever reason - it didn't happen.

But then you say we can do the meal, but we'll do it as the thank you AND your Dad's birthday. So it feels like the thank you meal is being skipped. The cost wouldn't make a scrap of difference to me, I wouldn't be interested, it's about the meal, going for a meal out, spending time as a group, the acknowledgement of the help they gave you (the most important thing).

I wouldn't care that oh if you add up this blah blah the prices add up to - not the point.

I would go for the thank you meal, I'd go to the same place you went to with PIL. Have a nice time.

Do something separate for your Dad's birthday.

Problem solved.

I don't see any issues with taking your daughter to your Dad's birthday meal. She is part of the family.

The cost of the food is so irrelevant I honestly can't believe people are bringing this into consideration. The point was a meal out to thank them. It doesn't matter if the vegetables are £8.50 or the dessert is £10 or the dessert is £3. The point was it is a meal to say thanks. It doesn't work like 1 posh meal = 2 non-posh meals etc. The cost of the food doesn't change the value of the experience, one meal is one meal and by putting it all into one thing, one of those has gone (the bday or the thank you meal). If you would be going out for his birthday anyway, then you say combine them as his birthday including the thank you, nothing is different, to me you'd essentially be doing nothing for the thank you.

I wouldn't care if you took me to a pub for a £5 main meal, the point would be going, spending time with you, the occasion.