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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

162 replies

TheIckabog · 20/07/2020 14:40

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/07/2020 19:40

I think YANBU and your parents are being childish.

You were going to do a thank you meal and then offered to do a meal for your father's birthday. Logically they could have 2 less fancy meals or one more fancy.

Adding in the issues of your mum wanting presents and her guilt tripping you when they went on a long holiday and then lockdown happened and YANBU.

It sounds like they're the types to be keeping score and I wonder if your mum might be liable to always be on the lookout for any slight or anything she sees as favouritism. Some people are petty about it.

countrygirl99 · 20/07/2020 19:46

Those castigating the OP over the time it's taken to organise are spotting that some of the delays were at OPs mum's insistence so it's not that he'd OP hasn't bothered to organise it.

Ratbagratty · 20/07/2020 19:52

I agree with other pp. Whilst your parents could have put it a bit better you have offered two meals out and have done neither. Going for one meal however nice or expensive won't be the same and may make them feel undervalued.

forrestgreen · 20/07/2020 19:53

In hindsight, a meal voucher for dad and a meal at the same restaurant you took the in-laws to for the Thankyou.

Beautiful3 · 20/07/2020 20:03

Think I'd do 2 separate meals. Like another poster suggested, one meal out and another home cooked

EmbarrassedUser · 21/07/2020 12:03

Bloody hell, they’re being so childish! You should play them at their own game. Take them out for the ‘thank you’ meal and if they bring up the birthday even ONCE say ‘aww, so you thought it was your birthday meal too, so did we. Glad we’re on the same page’ 🤣🤣

mrsBtheparker · 21/07/2020 12:17

I love threads like this, it makes me realise what a reasonable mother, grandmorher, mother-in-law I am! Can't believe how entitled and argumentative some people are!

leftovercoffeecake · 21/07/2020 12:32

@InTheWings

Did they babysit when you took the ILs out?
They went out with the in-laws before the OP was even pregnant.
kmc1111 · 21/07/2020 13:02

I’d take them to McDonalds twice.

ButteryPuffin · 21/07/2020 13:15

It should be two meals and the one fancy, one pub meal solution you've now gone for is fine. This, however, is bonkers:

She got separate presents from me, husband and from DD plus all separate cards because otherwise ‘we don’t care’.

Seriously? I would be asking on every family birthday now why there isn't separate cards and gifts from her and your dad. Then by the next time her birthday comes round, say 'We'll get you a card and present from us all now, because that's what you do for everyone else, isn't it?'

sillysmiles · 21/07/2020 13:28

I would think yabu as you did promise 2 meals out. It was your gifts to them for various things and now you are trying to change your mind to make life easier for you. Considering you said that your parents are also your go to babysitters... maybe they feel like they help a lot- the house, and child and that it is more that they feel unappreciated than the value of the meal.

Also, it maybe more that you are changing to one outing and you are removing a reason for them to go out with you.

Use some of the profits from the sale of the house they helped with to pay for a babysitter and spend time with your parents.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 13:29

Your parents are BU to demand anything

but they are NOT BU to be very disappointed that you try to lump the thank you diner promised with a birthday meal that would have happened anyway!

Some of the replies on here come from posters who clearly have their own issues, and conveniently forgot about all the help, financial and physical, the OP was happy to accept over the years. Clearly not a bad relationship there! Some of the posters here are awful as usual.

It sounds like it's not about money, it's about being thoughtful and reasonably nice.

Agree with above: 1 meal out, 1 home cooked.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 13:31

plus all separate cards because otherwise ‘we don’t care’.

when you see the amount of threads on here because a poster is shocked/fuming/upset/ distraught for not having a card from someone who lives in the same house!
I don't get it, but it's clearly a thing, some people make a massive deal about cards.

tara66 · 21/07/2020 13:51

I think it's very odd that they are ''counting'' the meals you owe them - like they have a voucher or something. You could take them to a nice lunch and then send them a luxury hamper from Harrods or Fortnum and Masons - with card saying ''in lieu of second lunch you were expecting herewith a luxury hamper....!''

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 13:58

I think it's very odd that they are ''counting'' the meals you owe them

as odd as people who are miffed to receive 1 present for Christmas AND birthday when they are born around that date, as opposed to everyone else receiving 2? It's the same thing though...

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 14:09

Very grabby. Just as one gift at Christmas and birthday is a gift not an entitlement.

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 14:11

I can’t imagine any normal parent not being thrilled by the offer of a very upmarket meal to thank them and to celebrate a birthday.

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 14:12

What normal parent says can we have 2 separate ones? Bonkers.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 14:18

any normal parent would be disappointed, but they shouldn't say it.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 14:19

Just as one gift at Christmas and birthday is a gift not an entitlement.

yeah yeah yeah....
meanwhile, back in the real world...

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2020 14:51

Back in the real world where someone expects separate cards and gifts from their daughter, her husband and a baby?! Glad I’m not living in your “real world”... Hmm

Thecazelets · 21/07/2020 14:57

Blimey. Another one of those threads that makes me heartily thankful for my own family, with all its shortcomings.

YANBU, of course. They are being extremely childish - and a bit bonkers.

JaniceWebster · 21/07/2020 14:57

AnneLovesGilbert
Just have a browse to the many MANY MANY threads on here about birthday/mothers day/whatever day cards that are expected from the newborn to the family dog... It clearly is a thing 🤷

lilgreen · 21/07/2020 15:01

Oh Jesus no! Not heard of that madness. Only on MN as usual.

sillysmiles · 21/07/2020 15:06

You could take them to a nice lunch and then send them a luxury hamper from Harrods or Fortnum and Masons - with card saying ''in lieu of second lunch you were expecting herewith a luxury hamper....!''

I'd be really annoyed if you did this. It is not about the food but the occasion and the "going out".

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