Parents demanding two meals out- who is BU?

[TheIckabog]

Background-
Both sets of parents have helped over the years with physical (DIY) or financial help which enabled us to do up our first house and sell it on, making a profit in the process.

To say thank you, we offered to take both sets of parents out for a fancy meal. We took out the in-laws first. My DM then had a knee operation and even though we offered to take them out when she was recovered, she declined and wanted to wait. A month or two later I found out I was pregnant. I suffered quite a bit during pregnancy so wasn’t ever really up to going out so a big fancy meal was off the cards for a while.

Baby arrived and four months after she was born, DParents went on a three month driving tour of America. They came home straight into lockdown and we’ve only just recently started seeing them again. My DF had his birthday whilst they were away and I said that we would take them for a pub lunch or similar (and pay for them) for his birthday rather than get a physical present (his birthday is now more than 6 months ago)

Issue-
My mum has mentioned the ‘thank you’ meal a few times in recent weeks as she’s annoyed that the in-laws got to have their meal and they haven’t yet (even though it was circumstances which prevented us taking them out), so I suggested that we take them somewhere really nice (I suggested a Michelin starred place) and that could be for the ‘thank you’ and also for DF’s belated birthday meal.

They are apparently now pissed off and offended by this as they’re saying it’s a ‘two for one’ and we should be taking them for two separate meals for the two occasions. It was not a significant birthday and as a family we’re not really big on birthdays or presents anyway.

It’s not so easy for us to get childcare as the in-laws aren’t as available for babysitting as my parents are (in-laws still work and have other childcare commitments with their other grandchildren) so trying to fit in babysitting for two lunches would be tricky. Our DD is wonderful when we go out but there’s only so much she would take so any lunches would have to be quite short, so bringing her, whilst an option, would change the dynamic of the day.

I think my parents are being unreasonable to demand two lunches when taking them to somewhere really fancy (where they would never go themselves) surely should make up for both? Who is BU?

YABU- You promised a thank you lunch and a birthday meal, so should cough up for both
YANBU- One nice lunch would be fine in the circumstances

Regardless of the rights and wrongs you started by wanting to thank them for their generosity towards you. Rolling two celebrations into one sounds a bit like you now can't be bothered. I expect this is what is upsetting them.

Be gracious, take them for the two meals, one as a thank you. One as a birthday treat. Don't make them feel they had to beg you to do it.

Expensive isn't necessarily nicer. I think two meals, the "fancy" one and a birthday one. But they shouldn't be asking for two!

So they’ve spent presumably thousands of pounds and loads of manpower hours on you and you begrudge them a couple of meals that you promised?

Why are people so entitled?

I really think people take money from their parents as their due.

Given they are demanding I'd be doing nothing. When they kick off tell them you are only doing what they did with you when you had a tantrum and are ignoring them..

Maybe just hand over a wad of cash? they sound grasping, tbh.

They sound awful. Stick to your guns.

How are the parents grasping when they’re the ones who have spent money on OP?

Because you don’t help people, let alone your own children to get a reward.

Op has offered a very fancy meal instead of 2 lesser meals and they’re demanding 2????Howis that not grasping? Awful.

Gosh who are these people who have voted that YABU? Your parents are being unbelievably small minded and pernickety.

Op you should have taken both sets of parents out at the same time. Then you wouldn’t have to buy 2 meals for you and your DH. Alternatively send them out as a 4 without you!

Op has offered a very fancy meal instead of 2 lesser meals and they’re demanding 2????Howis that not grasping? Awful.

Because it’s clear the parents want the time with OP, and the cost of the meals is not important given they turned down the Michelin starred restaurant.

And the cost of the meal is probably small change when compared to the money they’ve gifted to OP for her house.

Sod the Michelin restaurant, take them to a Toby Carvery in Sunday, then for a change, Wetherspoons next weekend with your dc

I honestly can't imagine treating my children this way. It's a really weird way to behave IMO.

@TheIckabog

Thanks all for the replies. I think I’ll do a family friendly pub lunch for DF’s birthday and take them to same place for the thank you meal that I took the PILs- that way there’s no arguments!

That sounds like a good idea.

Is it that they want the time with you as much as anything?

Is it more about you offering two meet ups and then reducing to one? Making them feel less appreciated? Sometimes people say things that seem to be about money when it's actually about time spent and they find that harder to say.

Do the birthday lunch now (cheap family place) with dd. Do the fancy meal at a later date when either you are more confident taking dd or can get childcare. The more you go out with kids the better they are. My dd went to her first fancy restaurant at 9 months and the staff spoilt her (think maitre d taking her for an explore in the herb garden, she has loved French food ever since

TBH, I see both sides of this. However, if I were your parents I would no more have voiced my disappointment than I would lick the Queen's foot.

Instead can you cook them a nice meal at home? Beef wellington roast that would cost a lot but easier than taking the baby out? Alternatively, just give them the money to go out.

Regardless, the day will be tainted because they were ungrateful. I'm sorry they've upset you, OP.

@SharonasCorona

Op has offered a very fancy meal instead of 2 lesser meals and they’re demanding 2????Howis that not grasping? Awful.

Because it’s clear the parents want the time with OP, and the cost of the meals is not important given they turned down the Michelin starred restaurant.

And the cost of the meal is probably small change when compared to the money they’ve gifted to OP for her house.

Yep. Maybe they thought their daughter was trying to spend more money to spend less time with them and were understandably upset.

Forget the original thank you. You offered. It didn't suit them and then life moved on. They don't get to keep a ticket in their back pocket to pull out at any time, demanding a meal out at your expense. You won't enjoy it now anyway because they have made such a fuss.

The suggestion regarding your Dad's birthday was a mistake in light of the original issue. You should honour that and take them to the pub. Or you can say that a meal out at the moment seems unnecessarily high risk with a small baby and buy him a nice bottle of whisky instead. Job done. You can't have these unrequited presents hanging over you indefinitely.

I’d be telling the you’d rather not bother if that’s how they are going to be. Life’s too short for that kind of childish nonsense.

They sound incredibly hard work, childish and jealous. I’d definitely just buy a present for any future thank yous or occasions if I was you.

Why don't you just get them a gift voucher as a thank you for a nice restaurant so they can go alone and then do something child friendly together for a birthday celebration?

I should add I do love my parents dearly but gosh they can be hard work grin

The apple hasn't fallen far.

YANBU OP.

Your mum is a fuss pot. Make sure you go on holiday (without her) for her birthday next year!