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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:

Ilovegreentomatoes · 21/07/2020 23:15

So many miserable folk on here .Is it that bad to offer a lift now and again to a non driver especially if your going in the same direction? I agree no one should rely on someone for lifts but just as a nice gesture the odd time is it that bad?

thefourgp · 21/07/2020 23:19

My ex refused to learn to drive and expected me to chauffeur him about everywhere including picking him up at 2am from nights out with his friends. I’ve recently started online dating and I won’t date someone who doesn’t drive. It’s part of being a responsible adult.

MilerVino · 21/07/2020 23:21

If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift. Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them.

It's a pub. You go to pubs to drink alcohol. You can't drive if you drink alcohol. I live in a very rural area. Pubs you cannot get busses to are pretty normal around here. So if we want to meet in one we make sure everyone who wants to get there can and limit the number of designated drivers. We share lifts which, if you must use private cars, is at least reasonably ecologically sound.

Honestly. Some of my friends can't drive for whatever reason. If I want their company in a country pub, I give them a bloody lift. I'm lucky I've got a car. I'm happy to share it from time to time.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/07/2020 23:25

Apparently so. If you believe what you read in certain corners of MN, nobody ever does anything nice for their friends or family. They live in a constant state of repressed rage because they once had to make a cousin a cup of coffee when there was already a perfectly good pot of tea brewing, but nooo - that selfish bitch doesn’t like tea. Fussy cow.

DeeTractor · 21/07/2020 23:50

Seems like awfully bad business practice for these quaint country pubs to open right out in the middle of nowhere with zero transport links. They must have massive car parks.

I suppose they wouldn't need to pay for an alcohol license since their customers wouldn't be able to drink...

Harvestsquirrel1 · 22/07/2020 01:31

I didn’t get my drivers license until I was 31. I grew up poor, we never had a vehicle in the family.Mom had her license, Dad just never wanted to drive. There was me way they could afford a car. It was always walking or public transportation. That was life. But then I got married and had two kids, and my husband never once complained about having to constantly take me here and there.I came to the decision myself to learn how to drive so that I could give him a break. I was 31, and had fears, and went to a cognitive behavioral specialist who helped me through that anxiety. Learning to drive was the best decision I ever made. Maybe your son has fears that he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with anyone.

dayslikethese1 · 22/07/2020 01:58

I think the real question here is why has the OP been ferrying her DS around until age 40 and only just now told him no? Unless there's some backstory on that...

HeyHoLetsGoAgain · 22/07/2020 02:09

People don't drive for a variety of reasons. Including affordability of driving lessons and the subsequent purchase of a car.
If people you know want a lift, give it to them.
One day it might be you..

user1481840227 · 22/07/2020 04:18

Was he able to drive after he had all the lessons though?
Maybe he just never got the hang of it or felt incredibly anxious about it and is too embarrassed to say?

Alex50 · 22/07/2020 06:01

Everyone I know including myself, your life is much better once you can drive, you don’t realise that until you can drive.

Buggersticks · 22/07/2020 09:43

There are plenty out there that do and really shouldn't. Personal choice to learn, but no one should just expect anyone to ferry them around.

MilerVino · 22/07/2020 10:04

your life is much better once you can drive, you don’t realise that until you can drive.

I passed my test when I was in my mid 20s, drove for a few years then stopped for well over a decade because I didn't need to drive and didn't like doing it. Some people are fully informed about what driving is like and make the choice not to do it.

I started again for various reasons but mainly because I am self employed in a rural area and it makes finding work easier. It also means I have to work an extra 1.5 days a month just to fund the thing though so it's a good job it does make finding work easier. Of course I could choose to live in a larger town or city and nix the car again, but on balance I'll take the pain in the neck that is driving to be able to live in this area.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/07/2020 10:08

I can't see how my life will be any better if I learn to drive, apart from having the added expense of paying for lessons and then paying for a car.

Exhaustedpenguin · 22/07/2020 10:19

My DH is 41 and refuses to learn to drive. We have 2 kids who do a lot if extra curricular clubs and one of them is impossible to get to without a car because of the time it starts. It makes me angry that he claims to be an actively involved lareht, but can't help out with these things.

He's always claimed that he can get anywhere he wants by public transport but now we have children, he doesn't appreciate that it's no longer just about him. When I take DD to Brownie camps, these are always in the middle of nowhere and require her bringing kit like pillow, sleeping bag etc. You need to drive.

But my main gripe is that because he's never learnt, he has no idea of how physically tiring driving long distances is. He suggests driving to London (4 hours away) for a day out to save on train fare and then calls me unreasonable for not doing it.

Staplemaple · 22/07/2020 10:23

It depends to be fair what you enjoy doing. I really like the freedom of having a car, not having to check timetables or being restricted to the times they are running. More choice on where to shop, not having to wait for a bus or train after finishing work. For me the benefits massively outweigh the cost, but similarly when I lived elsewhere with really good transport links which were sufficient I enjoyed the stress of not having a car or driving also. I find my life was enhanced more than I thought it would be when I got a car, but similarly it would have been fine without it. Depends really imo

CityCommuter · 22/07/2020 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MouseBack · 22/07/2020 10:34

I wonder where I stand here- I can't drive a car but I do ride a motorbike. So I can get to wherever I need to if it's too difficult on public transport, I can pick a load of shopping as I've got lots of storage space and never need lifts from dp who has a car. Obviously however I can't drive him places, nor could I take him to hospital if he broke a leg etc. We've got no kids so no issues there. To be honest there's no way I could afford lessons, test, insurance etc!

Staplemaple · 22/07/2020 10:37

A motorbike sounds epic!

iusedtobecool · 22/07/2020 10:39

I’m in my 40’s and do have a drivers license but I’m terrified of driving. I’ve had a few ‘bumps’ when I was younger, and it just brings it home how dangerous cars can be. When I am in the car with my husband, we see loads of bad drivers on the roads. Speeding, undertaking, on the phone when driving etc. I get nervous sometimes even being a passenger, even though my husband is a confident and safe diver.

I realise this can make life difficult in some cases, however I would not want to be responsible for an accident, especially when I’ve two young children who would be in the car with me. That overpowers anything else.

I am in the city luckily and can walk or get public transport to most places. I don’t expect lifts from people. I did try refresher/confidence lessons, but it’s so expensive. I could drive short distances, but my confidence is zero. The less you drive, the scarier is becomes.

I genuinely envy those who drive without giving it a second thought. For some people though, it’s a genuine phobia.

eaglejulesk · 22/07/2020 11:02

I genuinely envy those who drive without giving it a second thought. For some people though, it’s a genuine phobia.

This. There are so many judgemental and unpleasant people on MN - far more than I've ever met in real life - and they never stop to think that not everyone is like them.

As for those for whom giving a friend a lift (especially to somewhere they are already going to) is such a burden - you are lucky you have any friends.

MilerVino · 22/07/2020 11:10

To be honest there's no way I could afford lessons, test, insurance etc!

If things change and you did decide to drive, you'd probably find you learn quickly. You'll definitely have the road skills, which so few drivers who have passed actually have. And you'll have some idea of the control of the machine, because you're already doing that to a degree.

SerenDippitty · 22/07/2020 11:29

Public transport is fine up to a point but you do have to be a lot more organised and allow more time for your journey.

DeeTractor · 22/07/2020 11:31

"I can't drive a car but I do ride a motorbike"

You'll look much cooler escaping from a kidnapper in the Australian outback anyway...

Greydove28 · 22/07/2020 11:39

One thing that i have noticed over the years is women who dont feel the need to drive often have abusive husbands. I know 2 people in real life who are in their 40s and don't drive. Their husbands insist they drive them places as they are controlling and dont want them having independence and are against them driving. Im just saying this is a red flag. Yanbu expecting your son to drive.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/07/2020 11:46

@Greydove28 well I'm single so I don't fit that narrative!

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