Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@Exhaustedpenguin

My DH is 41 and refuses to learn to drive. We have 2 kids who do a lot if extra curricular clubs and one of them is impossible to get to without a car because of the time it starts. It makes me angry that he claims to be an actively involved lareht, but can't help out with these things.

He's always claimed that he can get anywhere he wants by public transport but now we have children, he doesn't appreciate that it's no longer just about him. When I take DD to Brownie camps, these are always in the middle of nowhere and require her bringing kit like pillow, sleeping bag etc. You need to drive.

But my main gripe is that because he's never learnt, he has no idea of how physically tiring driving long distances is. He suggests driving to London (4 hours away) for a day out to save on train fare and then calls me unreasonable for not doing it.

Neither of us drive, and our children also do extracurricular activities, we just chose the places and times around walking there. As for the camping activities, why does it require a car? We manage to do festivals and wild camping as a family and have never needed anything other than a bus or coach.

Brownie camp isn’t just camping. You don’t get to pick where you go and it be on a transport route. All the brownie/scout near me are in the middle of literally nowhere.

@Alex50 I'm using it as normal. I don't have a car, so using public transport is necessary to me.

Although to be fair I haven't often needed to use it - I use it mainly for leisure. The town centre with the supermarket and shops is a 15 minute walk from my house, I've been on furlough but my workplace is only a 10 minute walk from my house.

The key words are "avoid public transport IF YOU CAN." Those without cars need to use public transport, so can't always avoid it. It isn't banned.

Everything I need is within walking distance, though actually the trains here are pretty much empty outside of rush hour.

Dee Tractor: If you've been a martyr all these years then that's your fault.

Yes. I've probably been too kind. But how do you know when I married him?

I find it unattractive and it wouldn’t work for me dating someone who didn’t drive as I had to give up my licence for medical reasons. Unless they had a good reason and not cos they are drink drivers or a bum, then it would be a turn off, it’s not manly IMO.

Well there's a new one for whoever was playing bingo. I mean we've had 'manly', but 'I can't drive so you must' is new. Does a man become unmanly if he becomes ill and cannot drive? Do you ignore the 'in sickness and in health' bit? Or is it 'til death as do part or you stop being able to drive.' Doesn't bode well for old age tbh, when various health issues may well prevent anyone from driving.

Yes old age comes to us all but in the mean time I have been driving nearly 30 years. I have driven to Italy skiing, south of France, Paris, Spain, stopped off in quaint little villages you wouldn’t have known about and met some wonderful people. Yes I have also gone by train but you go straight to your destination, you can’t detour, say you see pretty village and think let’s stop and have lunch.

"Yes. I've probably been too kind. But how do you know when I married him?"

Point taken but also kind of irrelevant. You can't knowingly marry someone who can't drive and then complain that he doesn't drive.

Well done for stopping the madness.

I hope his poor wife sticks up for herself too.

Don't back down.

Does he sulk often?
Could you sit down with his wife and ask her how he treats her? He doesn't sound like a mature, well-behaved adult.

@Alex50

How are you coping on public transport at the moment, when Boris said avoid going on public transport if you can?

That advice has changed - we've now been told to use it whenever we like.

@Exhaustedpenguin -
Next time one of your DCs has to be taken somewhere that requires schlepping gear, tell your H that he is in charge of getting there with the DC because you will be washing your hair that day. He can plan and execute the expedition himself.

Next time he suggests a drive to London, go to the car, sit in the passenger seat, and tell him it's nice of him to take you for a day out. Thank him profusely for offering to put in four hours of work to facilitate that for you.

He is a cheeky fucker.

Yes I have also gone by train but you go straight to your destination, you can’t detour, say you see pretty village and think let’s stop and have lunch.

I disagree. If you travel by car you don’t interact with the outside world, but simply view it from through a window. You may as well stay home and watch TV. Travelling by bus and train means getting out there and meeting people. I’ve travelled across India by train - that’s real travel. Even travelling in France or Italy, you’re just as likely to stop for lunch if you travel by train as if you travel by car.

No i’ve done both, train travel you go to your destination, driving you can stop wherever you like then get back in your car and don’t have to wait for the next train, the only draw back is you can’t have a glass of wine

I’ve never been to India, what i’ve seen on tv I wouldn’t want to drive, I would definitely opt for the train.

My sister’s partner cannot drive and he is also a lazy work shy gobshite. I 100% believe he didnt take his test so he wouldnt have to do any shopping, school runs, lifts.

I have driven to Italy skiing, south of France, Paris, Spain, stopped off in quaint little villages you wouldn’t have known about and met some wonderful people. Yes I have also gone by train but you go straight to your destination, you can’t detour, say you see pretty village and think let’s stop and have lunch.

You want to try bus travel. The buses themselves detour into all sorts of places, because they have to serve the communities there. In a car so often, especially on long journeys, you're on main roads and bypasses. Buses go right into the smallest villages and you get to chat away to all sorts of people. Actually I chat to people on trains too. I've also met various people whilst out cycling and it's easy to stop anywhere. No worries about where to park and you know you'll have a leisurely journey so stopping and hanging out is more of an option.

I (and my dad, now dead) both had mild optic atrophy - we both fell just short of the driving sight test base, even with glasses on - my mum was an ace driver but I think it upset him, always being ‘ferried around’. Threads like this are depressing - so selfish and thoughtless. I hate the thought of people silently judging us for not being able to drive.

In reality, you save so much by not having to run a car that the best thing is often just to book a taxi there and back if there’s no public transport. It just takes a bit of extra planning. I’ve lived all over the world and had children and my non-driving has never stopped me doing anything I want.

Being in a car (or bus, or train) all the way to Spain, Italy or France is my idea of Hell.

@MilerVino I have done bus and train travel round Europe, they all give a different prospective but by driving yourself gives you independence to stop where you want instantaneously.

@DeeTractor each to their own. You don’t have to do it all in one go, you make the whole journey part of your holiday and stop off in different regions and meet different people I love it. I also do just fly to destination, each holiday is different and gives you a different experience.

No i’ve done both, train travel you go to your destination, driving you can stop wherever you like

I’ve done both too. Trains aren’t prisons where you aren’t allowed out until you reach your destination; you can choose when and how to break up your journey. Makes no difference what medium of travel you’re using.

Train/bus you can jump off wherever you like, break up your journey, have the freedom to do whatever you like. I’ve taken trips where I’ve decided to stop and hike across a particular area (I used to be passionate about mountain hiking) then catch a train/bus/cab on the other side of the forest or mountain range. You couldn’t do that with a car, unless you’re willing to retrace your entire hike backwards.

In a car you can only stop if you can find a parking space, you can’t drink, you’re limited by parking restrictions, you have to be aware of your own energy levels (making sure you have enough energy to complete the drive) and you can’t go further than walking distance from your car.

@blurpityblurp but you don’t drive so how have you experienced driving round Europe?

Yeah it's weird. My ex doesn't drive and it was really bloody annoying being family taxi driver all the time!

Alex50 like I said upthread, I used to drive.