DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

[LouRose8819]

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

Your husband is a dick.
YANBU.

Is he a petty controlling dick in other ways, or just about childcare?

He sounds very very controlling.

He's being a bit ridiculous about the whole equal time thing, but I also find 3x a week seeing your parents and 1x a week seeing in laws excessive visiting really.

controlling...have a feeling this is going to get worse as time goes on.

Dickhead weirdo.

I think wanting to work early to spend time with his child is fine. I thing the equal time thing however is petty as fuck and hopefully it’s is crazy lockdown brain talking and not him as a person genuinely.

He’s ridiculous

This opens up the question of how you resolve issues when you do not agree as a couple ..... do you always have to do things his way? Very interesting to think about this.....

I also think visiting grandparents four times a week even if it is a mixture is bonkers.

Your DH is being ridiculous and a little controlling too. Go and see your parents whenever you want and bring your baby too.

You already bring your baby to see your DH’s parents once a week - you’re certainly ‘doing your bit’. If your DH wants to bring your baby to see his parents at other times, let him and you stay home, same with bringing her there for childcare, let him make the 1 hour round trip twice a day and you stay home.

He's being weird. You can see your parents as much as you want. If he was off you wouldn't mind if he saw his parents more than yours. You need to sort this out before you go back to work. If I were you I'd not skirt round it. Tell him very firmly that you spend your time as you wish and he needs to back off.

I had this with my in laws, though it very much came from them not DH, everthing had to be "fair", including equal child minding and baby sitting responsibilities despite the fact that my parents were closer and more accomodating

We don't see them anymore and life for everyone, including DH is much improved.

Is this what DH wants or is he trying to keep his parents happy?

He’s being a bloody idiot.
My in-laws live in Australia, should my Dd only see my parents once a year to make it fair?
Your child is lucky, both sets of gps are close & she will have a relationship with them all. She’s hardly going to grown up thinking well I love this nanny more because I saw her for an Extra 2 hourS Last week

He's being an absolute prick

I think splitting the childcare between both sets of grandparents is probably a better long term option as your DD will become comfortable with both sets and their less likely to get overwhelmed by having a toddler to look after if their only doing it half the time.

I dont for one minute think hes being reasonable about the rest, is he an only child?

Ridiculous knobhead.
Does he always create obstacles?

What does he say if you'd tell him it's his responsibility to arrange visits with his own parents? Considering that he doesn't accompany you to see your parents the extra times, he shouldn't expect the same from you either.

If he is that arsed about his own parents seeing dd then he can take her himself.

If your DH thinks his parents should be seeing the baby more often, he needs to take her over there more often. Can he get up early once a week to finish work earlier, then go over to them after work?

Just say he is welcome to visit his parents with DD as much as he likes and you won't make him visit your parents without you. It is really controlling to demand that you spend your time with his parents.
Aside from that, do his parents even want to see you every week?

I'm with your husband. See both grandparents equally. It's unfair otherwise.
Imagine you are the grandparents who are less involved - how would you feel? Would you like to be the lesser grandma?
It's also unfair on your husband that his parents are the lesser grandparents, how do you think he feels?

You're in charge of taking your child to your parents, he can be in charge of taking her to his parents. You don't have to go, it's their bonding time. He'll soon get sick of that.
You take her to your parents for childcare, he can do the same with his parents.
He just wants you running around, and he sounds like a controlling arse.

This is bullshit and worrying.

Tell him to poke off, you can see anyone you want as often as you want.
You are an independent person.