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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

169 replies

LouRose8819 · 19/07/2020 21:09

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

OP posts:
PenelopePitstop49 · 19/07/2020 21:39

I think you need to get a handle on this OP.

He's being extremely petty. And that's not an attractive quality in anyone. Let alone your husband.

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2020 21:43

Fuck that!
He can take the children to his parents whenever he wants, it's not your job to make sure it's equal.
You have a pre-existing relationship with your mother, presumably it is at least as much about you two spending time together as her getting to see your baby. You don't have the same relationship with his parents.
Don't let him bully you, this is quite the red flag. He can also to the legwork dropping off and picking up from his parents.

katy1213 · 19/07/2020 21:44

You married a right one, didn't you? See your parents as often as you like; if he wants to do all the driving involved in making things equal, then let him crack on - while you stay at home and have a bit of a break.
Do his parents even want to have as much involvement as yours, if they have other grandchildren, too?

MumW · 19/07/2020 21:45

I hope you're tit for tatting nappy changes and night feeds.
If you go to the shops, it's only fair he gets to go next time.
I'm sure you could find plenty of other things.

Seriously though, nip this in the bud now, he's being ridiculous.

okiedokieme · 19/07/2020 21:45

He needs to be taking your lo to his parents! I suspect his dm is pressurising for more contact, bit of jealousy

7yo7yo · 19/07/2020 21:46

Controlling bully.
I would be rethinking the relationship.

Aria2015 · 19/07/2020 21:46

Your husband is being unreasonable. Firstly it's a nonsense to try and make everything 'equal'. My mother lives quite a bit away and so we see her a few times a year and we see dh parents every week. It's just the way it is. There's no resentment from my mother at all.

Secondly. He's assuming that every time you see your parents it's about your dc spending time with their grandparents but what about your relationship with your parents? For me, when I see my mother, it's just as much for my benefit (if not more) than it is for my lo. She's my parent and we have a lovely bond and I want to spend time with her in a mother / daughter capacity. Now I have a child, he is generally with me during that time because it's not practical to arrange childcare every time I see her. Your husband is not considering your parent / daughter relationship which is separate and he has no right to put any restrictions on that.

If I were you. I'd see your parents as much as you want and if he wants to even it out with his parents, let him make the 30 minutes journey there and back with your dc while you enjoy some down time!

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 21:47

I don’t think it’s about his parents actually as he is trying to limit access to both of them by doing his work early.

He is controlling who you and the baby see.

This is a big issue that you really need to look at.

What other things does he do that doesn’t sit right with you

Aria2015 · 19/07/2020 21:48

Your husband is being unreasonable. Firstly it's a nonsense to try and make everything 'equal'. My mother lives quite a bit away and so we see her a few times a year and we see dh parents every week. It's just the way it is. There's no resentment from my mother at all.

Secondly. He's assuming that every time you see your parents it's about your dc spending time with their grandparents but what about your relationship with your parents? For me, when I see my mother, it's just as much for my benefit (if not more) than it is for my lo. She's my parent and we have a lovely bond and I want to spend time with her in a mother / daughter capacity. Now I have a child, he is generally with me during that time because it's not practical to arrange childcare every time I see her. Your husband is not considering your parent / daughter relationship which is separate and he has no right to put any restrictions on that.

If I were you. I'd see your parents as much as you want and if he wants to even it out with his parents, let him make the 30 minutes journey there and back with your dc while you enjoy some down time!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 19/07/2020 21:49

Absolute bollox. He’s either a control freak or a fucking idiot Hmm.

You need to be very firm on this and make it clear that you will not be abiding by his ridiculous rules around “fairness” and that you don’t intend explaining or justifying yourself every time you see your parents. If you don’t put your foot down now you’ll be worn out arguing about it.

On the childcare front it would seem to make more sense for your dps to do most of it, purely in terms of practicalities given their proximity. However, if the other set of GPs are willing and able then let them do it too provided that the drop off and pick up (along with the staying for a cuppa and a chat cos it’s expected) doesn’t fall on you! If he wants them to have the same amount of time with dc as your dps then he can take responsibility for it and don’t forget that doesn’t mean you always have to go for each visit.

Soontobe60 · 19/07/2020 21:49

He's trying to control you. If he wants his child to see his parents more, tell him to take her himself!

AriettyHomily · 19/07/2020 21:51

How fucking odd. Does he try and control other aspects of your life?

Nottherealslimshady · 19/07/2020 21:53

So he expects you to visit his parents alone as often as you visit your parents? How weird. They're not your parents to visit. He can visit his parents as much as you visit your parents if thsts what he wants but it's not your responsibility to visit his parents for him!
Do you have to visit his friends as often as you visit your own aswell?

Keeva2017 · 19/07/2020 21:54

I feel rage just reading your op. Your husband is a horrible horrible man.

SunshineCake · 19/07/2020 21:57

I hope the OP hasn't been scared off Sad.

It's all been said though. Time to take him at his exact word and hope it backfires PDQ.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 21:58

he's more than welcome to do that on his own, again as long as it's not impeding on family time for just the three of you.

Well that's clearly unfair isn't it as op is on maternity leave and dh is working so anytime he has available, either after work or weekends will be "family time".

It's not unreasonable for him to want to take his dd to see his parents, just as its not unreasonable for op to see her parents.

As for childcare, again, why not split it 50:50? It means ops parents get some childfree days in the week too in case they need to do anything.

Ellie56 · 19/07/2020 21:59

He sounds a bit of a twat . Tell him you will see your parents as often as you choose and if he wants his parents to see D more, he can take her and you will stay at home.

SuperMumTum · 19/07/2020 22:00

If he wants to take DD to see his parents then I presume you aren't stopping him? Therefore, no problem. He just thinks it's your job (which, of course, it isn't).

pallisers · 19/07/2020 22:02

@forrestgreen

You're in charge of taking your child to your parents, he can be in charge of taking her to his parents. You don't have to go, it's their bonding time. He'll soon get sick of that. You take her to your parents for childcare, he can do the same with his parents. He just wants you running around, and he sounds like a controlling arse.
This.

Making sure everyone has the same amount of time is nuts - but if he insists, tell him to go right ahead and bring the baby over to his parents whenever he wants. You might even go with him every now and then. And for childcare, no problem, he can do the drop-offs and pick ups with his parents.

But he doesn't want that. He wants you running around accomodating his parents' relationship with his child at his direction. arse.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/07/2020 22:02

controlling twat

go see your parents as often as you want, with children
twatface is equally free to drive over to his parents whenever he wants to.

Does he insist on being so even handed when it comes to childcare, cooking, housework, laundry......?

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 22:06

You're not unreasonable as your parents are within walking distance and your in-laws not. Does the world and his wife need to know you are forever dropping in at your parents' home? Your baby is too young to say anything and you don't have to.

Three times a week is a bit much, frankly. Do your mum and dad not have anything else in their lives?

Veterinari · 19/07/2020 22:06

If he wants DD to have 'equal' time with his parents then he's in charge of facilitating that. If he wants them to do equal childcare then he's responsible for driving her back and forth.

It's not unreasonable for him to want things to be fair.

It's totally unreasonable of him to expect you to do it all

BurtsBeesKnees · 19/07/2020 22:07

Sounds like a controlling arse to me op.

Tell him he can take the dc to see his parents. He'll soon change his mind (or find another reason why you/he can't do that)

Rachie1973 · 19/07/2020 22:08

Jeez, how controlling.

As a grandmother I see some of my 7 grandchildren lots and some not so often

This is due to distance, work commitments etc.

2 of my granddaughters live further afield, so we only get to see each other a few times a year. Lots of FaceTimes etc inbetween, and we love each other dearly. A couple live about a half hour a way so I see them maybe weekly, possibly fortnightly.

1 lives with me, so clearly loads of time, and another round the corner so several times a week.

It’s just life. I know my further afield grandchildren see their other grandmother loads more than I do, but that’s just life. It’s not my call to demand anything else.

Colom · 19/07/2020 22:08

What an odd chap... Can't believe you've even entertained this to be honest. Which makes me think you might be too nice and he might be taking advantage of this due to his control freak nature?