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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

169 replies

LouRose8819 · 19/07/2020 21:09

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 19/07/2020 22:44

Also agree that visiting his parents is largely his job. You don't give up the right to your own life and become a visiting machine when you have kids. They arent your parents

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/07/2020 22:44

That’s a huge red flag for me. My partner would give this absolutely zero thought. The fact that your DH wants to control your interactions with your own family is very weird indeed.

FatMumSlim72 · 19/07/2020 22:45

Thank you deep minded and apologies OP - haven’t been on MN for years and put post in wrong place then had no idea how to delete!
Was so interested in OP’s dilemma - DH sounds fearful of his parents being left out? Or are they? Even if it was equal time with both the relationships would still be different. I do wonder though if women generally take kids to see their own parents more? I thought it was very generous of OP to spend every Friday with in-laws....

2pinkginsplease · 19/07/2020 22:54

He is being ridiculous!
Me and our children see my mum more than in-laws as I make the effort to visit whereas dh doesn’t. I happily visit my mum with the kids where as dh won’t visit his parents unless we all go which I find quite strange.

Funnily enough they live about half a mile from each other but I wouldn’t think to visit without dh.

choli · 19/07/2020 22:55

My parents lived 8 hours away and my ex's 3. The nearer grandparents were seen more often. It's not a competition. Also they are not just grandparents they are your parents apparently you missed the memo that in laws are servants.

SnackSizeRaisin · 19/07/2020 22:59

There are some quite excessive responses on this thread!
I think you both need to have a discussion about why he thinks this. Is it coming from him or his parents? Is it that he actually feels your parents are too involved? Perhaps he doesn't get on with your parents and thinks that letting them do a lot of childcare will cause problems?

Your husband needs to come before your parents so find out what he is really thinking.

It is so difficult with in laws once you have a child because you are suddenly forced to spend loads of time with people that you don't necessarily like at all, just because they want to spend time with your child. It can come between you if you are not careful. You both need to agree what level of involvement you want them to have, how many visits etc.

Being exactly equal is not realistic though.

Lweji · 19/07/2020 23:02

Your parents should see the baby as often as you visit them, and your PILs as often as he visits them.

And as long as he's willing to drive to his parents for them to provide childcare, why not an equal share?

crimsonlake · 19/07/2020 23:04

He should not be dictating anything, having said that I do think you see your parent's an excessive amount of times each week.
My neighbour's daughter does this, constantly round her parent's house.
I do wonder if she actually has any friend's of her own or if she cannot look after her child alone.

HisNibs · 19/07/2020 23:04

DH sounds like a wanker to me. As pp have said, let him facilitate visiting to his parents and you do yours. For childcare, the obvious answer is whatever works best. Using your DPs sounds more workable and convenient which generally for a more stress-free time for everyone. Why is DH trying to create unnecessary constraints? Makes no sense but does sound very controlling. Why didn't he complain pre-covid about visits but has issues now? Are PILs nagging him? He has no right to dictate your relationship with your parents. Make him do the legwork for his family, after all he wants everything to be 'equal'

Cornishclio · 19/07/2020 23:06

It is not your responsibility to facilitate contact with your DHs parents and your DD. Let him sort it out especially if they don't drive and he is working from home. He also has no right to have total control over childcare arrangements or how often or how long you see your parents. Tell him you will be arranging for your parents to look after your DD one day a week and if he wants his Parents to do the same he has to do the running around or you will take her to your parents.

Bonniegirlie · 19/07/2020 23:10

I would say "Of course you can keep the visits even between parents BUT I'll see my parents as often as I fucking like, so if that's twice or ten times I will decide and if you want to drive for an hour ten times a week to be a petty bastard then enjoy the trip but I am entitled to see my parents as I please. Actually I think what you meant to say was "Thank you for driving to see my parents every week so they can see dd, I know you don't have to" "

This.

You're a saint for visiting his parents for a day a week. It would be interesting to see how long he keeps it up if he has to do all the driving. He's being ridiculous

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 19/07/2020 23:10

It sounds to me like you are seeing all of the grandparents loads. Once a week is a lot, 3 times a week is a lot. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - my kids rarely see their GPs due to distance and I would love a set up more like yours. How nice for you DD.

I think given you're seeing everyone so frequently it seems a bit silly to split hairs over exactly how often it happens. You're seeing them all every single week and that ought to be enough, in my opinion.

If DH thinks your DD should be spending more time with his parents then it is his job to facilitate that. If they can't drive then I suppose that means him doing all the running around. Same goes for the childcare once you're back at work - if he wants to push the awkward option of having to drop DD off at his parent's before work then he can do it.

olympicsrock · 19/07/2020 23:11

He is being ridiculous. Let him take her to his
Parents more often if he wants but he is not in charge of how you spend your time.

LatteLover12 · 19/07/2020 23:11

Seriously? He's a dick. Tell him to piss off.

If he wants your dd to see more of his parents then he can take her!

Is he controlling in other ways?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 23:12

He also has no right to have total control over childcare arrangements

By the same token, nor does op. Why on earth shouldn't they discuss it and come to a mutually agreeable solution?

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/07/2020 23:22

A 30 min drive is really nothing at all. Suggest your DH pick them up before work then drop them off in the evening after they are done minding the kids in your house. As his parents don’t drive they don’t get to call the shots in terms of how they help (providing they want to help at all) with childcare.

LilQueenie · 19/07/2020 23:27

If YOU want to visit your parents then do it and baby will just have to go where you go. If he wants to see his parents he needs to get off his arse and do that with baby in tow if he wants to keep things 'equal'. Does his parents feel the same of is it just his dilussional view.

gumball37 · 19/07/2020 23:39

I stopped reading half way through. It's not a fucking competition. Visit whomever you want however often. If your husband has an issue he can use his time off work to visit his parents with your dad himself. Or... They could come to you as it's easier for adults to travel than someone with a small child...

fabulous40s · 19/07/2020 23:54

So weird. But what's worrying is that your didn't just laugh in his face and say how ridiculous he's being (like all the other posters instant reactions) - is he controlling in other aspects of your life?

FortniteBoysMum · 19/07/2020 23:58

Tell him to stop being ridiculous. If one set of grandparents goes on holiday for a month does that mean your child is not allowed to see the other set. What happens when God forbid one of you loose a parent does your child stop seeing them all. Tell him you are visiting your parents who are around the corner if he wants to take dc to visit his parents for 2 hours let him but tell him he cannot be longer as it would be unfair. Sounds like an idiot to me.

Littlebearcat · 20/07/2020 00:04

@LouHotel

I think splitting the childcare between both sets of grandparents is probably a better long term option as your DD will become comfortable with both sets and their less likely to get overwhelmed by having a toddler to look after if their only doing it half the time.

I dont for one minute think hes being reasonable about the rest, is he an only child?

Seriously can we stop bashing only children on here?
rosiejaune · 20/07/2020 00:09

@YewHedge

I'm with your husband. See both grandparents equally. It's unfair otherwise. Imagine you are the grandparents who are less involved - how would you feel? Would you like to be the lesser grandma? It's also unfair on your husband that his parents are the lesser grandparents, how do you think he feels?
Are you a "lesser" (read: more insecure) grandparent, by any chance?!

If they are that bothered they could move closer. Or maybe they are less controlling and ridiculous than their son, and think it's perfectly sensible that people see closer relatives more often.

By your logic, the child must be their lesser grandchild, since they live closer to other grandchildren and see them more...

Goingdownto · 20/07/2020 00:09

Your dh is being a twat.

Goingdownto · 20/07/2020 00:11

We saw my family a lot less than dh's as they lived in a different country. Should I have insisted we only see pil a few times a year to keep it equal?
Eejit

Ratbum · 20/07/2020 00:18

Sorry. He's a total cock.
It would be a silly idea even if both sets of parents lived just around the corner. Getting seriously behind a silly idea like this is absurd. If he's trying to enforce it, that's another matter entirely.

This sort of behaviour doesn't exist in isolation either.

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