DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

[LouRose8819]

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

@Goingdownto

He doesn't want to see them more though does he? He just wants her to see them less.

Isn't the problem that he wants both sets of grandparents to have equal time, which can be achieved in two ways - her seeing her parents less (with the child) or him seeing his parents more?

Many of you are saying he should see his parents more if he's got a problem which means, between them, they'll be seeing parents six days a week. That's crazy.

Likewise, no one would be cheer leading for a husband insisting on seeing his parents three days a week. Same as if someone was going out three times a week socialising with friends - the only way that's sustainable, in a relationship, is for the other partner to not do the same and then that isn't fair. If op wants to continue to see her parents three times a week then it's absolutely right that he gets to see his parents three times a week. If that isn't feasible then they both should compromise and each have similar time that is manageable for the family.

How is it controlling for a partner to point out that what the other partner is doing is unfairly impacting them?

If he wants DD to see his parents more then he'll need to take her and make it work.
It's not always feasible to see GPs the same. We see one set 1/2 a year because they're overseas and one set 6 times a year as they're not as far away.

Same as if someone was going out three times a week socialising with friends - the only way that's sustainable, in a relationship, is for the other partner to not do the same and then that isn't fair

Completely false analogy. Socialising alone means one person’s doing all the childcare. OP’s taking hers with her. It has zero impact on her DH.

I haven’t read the full thread, just the original post.

I agree with the others who say your husband is a dick, worse than that a controlling dick.

The situations aren’t equal, so why should they be treated equally. See your parents when you like, not as “allowed” by your husband. I’m sure you would be happy for him to take your baby to see his parents but don’t start keeping score it’ll never work!

So if an op was posting that her husband wanted to visit his parents three times a week and she wasn't happy about that you would all tell her that she was being controlling and that he should end the marriage would you?

Put simply, yes. Coercive control isn't acceptable from either partner.

How can a family function as a family is both partners are each visiting their three times a week, at separate times in order to take the child with them? That's bonkers isn't it? 6 days a week they'll be visiting parents?????

Didn't see this suggested anywhere in the thread. What I saw was that DH was expecting Op to reduce her visits (which she's doing during maternity leave) because his parents weren't getting the same.

That's so stupid. İmagine his parents lived abroad does that mean you can never see yours?

@LouRose8819

Bonkers. My parents live an hour and half away. My SIL parents live ten mins away. My SIL pops to her mother pretty much every day during Mat leave - why not! She’s off, if her preference is her parents over friends or the park then so be it. They go see my parents every few weeks but usually it’s from 10am till 7pm or they’ll stay over whereas with her mother it might be 10-12. Would your DH expect her to add up all the hours she spends with her parents vs my parents

Also my niece and nephews favourites are my parents even though they see them less. Is he planning to force his child to love his parents more too?

He sounds unhinged. During Mat leave I can see myself popping to my parents all the time while DH is at work. We get on great! Why not!!!!

@HisNibs

So if an op was posting that her husband wanted to visit his parents three times a week and she wasn't happy about that you would all tell her that she was being controlling and that he should end the marriage would you?

Put simply, yes. Coercive control isn't acceptable from either partner.

How can a family function as a family is both partners are each visiting their three times a week, at separate times in order to take the child with them? That's bonkers isn't it? 6 days a week they'll be visiting parents?????

Didn't see this suggested anywhere in the thread. What I saw was that DH was expecting Op to reduce her visits (which she's doing during maternity leave) because his parents weren't getting the same.

Nope, plenty of posters have said "if he wants his dd to see his parents more then he needs to take her". So that means op going three times a week, with DD, to see her parents and then him going three times a week to see his parents - it's only sustainable now because it's only the op seeing her parents. If he did the same it wouldn't be feasible as a family.

Completely false analogy. Socialising alone means one person’s doing all the childcare. OP’s taking hers with her. It has zero impact on her DH.

I don't agree. I think within a partnership no one should take more than their share because that takes away from what is available to everyone else. It should all be shared equally.

I don't see that it's controlling for him to express that he's not happy with something. He shouldn't be saying that she can't see her parents but why isn't it ok to want to discuss the subject and work out a compromise?

I wonder how it will work when op is back at work? Will she still expect to see them three times a week?

Does he try and control other aspects of life in your home too. I think you need to disregard his odd mindset.

It's only fair that his parents move house so that they live the exact same distance away as your parents do.

Your husband is an insecure tosser

This is absurd OP! If DH is dead set on absolutely equal, what is going to happen about sharing childcare? If you and DH are at work 5 days a week are you going to need a rolling schedule so they each have DD 3 days one week and 2 the next? Or are your DPs going to have to drive DD to the in-laws at lunch time one day a week so the split is entirely equal?

Of course you see the Grandparents who live on the doorstep more, and you have every right to since they're your parents in addition to being DD's Grandparents!!

Perhaps you could bring up with him that if it comes down to access to Grandchildren in general then with several his parents get LOADS more access than yours do with one, and you're going up your visits to your Parents house accordingly [angel]

I think it's quite natural for someone to want to spend more time with their own parents than their partner's (assuming it's a good relationship) Partner can take baby to see his parents, with or without you, when it's convenient for him and them.

I think he is feeling insecure and worried that your DD will "like" her maternal GP best! I would carry on as before .Many GC will see more of their maternal GP though ,its just how it is really.Are they not in good health or very elderly? Does he worry about their future and want DD to see them for that reason?

you have every right to since they're your parents in addition to being DD's Grandparents!!

And his parents are his parents and DDs grandparents - so he has every right to see them as much as he wants yes?

He’s being controlling and unreasonable. Is it definitely coming from him or your in-laws?
My in-laws were stupidly competitive with my mum & stepdad over time with the DC. I ended up pulling away from them and now the DC see much more of my family. If they hadn’t behaved like such dicks, they would’ve had much more time with their grandkids.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

you have every right to since they're your parents in addition to being DD's Grandparents!!

And his parents are his parents and DDs grandparents - so he has every right to see them as much as he wants yes?

And OP’s not stopping him, is she?

Oh my goodness, I have never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. Who wants to visit the in-laws as much as your own parents?
I’d stick your ground he is controlling. Just tell him he can take DD to his parents, you’ll accompany them when you can and qualify you don’t expect him to accompany you to see your parents.

And OP’s not stopping him, is she?

Well he's not doing it. I wonder what her feelings would be if he did start seeing his parents three times a week? All fine as long as she doesn't complain when he does it.

The point is that you are going to your parents for YOUR relationship not DDs. I get on okay mostly with PIL. But when they and my parents are around, my visits to them are specifically for the children while my time with my family are for me. Ditto, DH gets on brilliantly with my family, but he chooses to spend additional time with his family (with and without the DC) because he wants to spend time with them.

Also, it's ridiculous that HE doesn't have a great relationship with HIS parents so YOU need to somehow magically make this better?

He's being silly. I understand it, but he's being silly.