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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

169 replies

LouRose8819 · 19/07/2020 21:09

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 22:08

To be fair, I doubt many posters would be so encouraging about a married man with a young child wanting to visit his parents three times a week.

Nicknacky · 19/07/2020 22:09

hear why not? I’m a married woman who sees my dad several times a week (4 or 5 at the moment)

ginsparkles · 19/07/2020 22:10

Yanbu... I don't understand this must be equal stuff. We have 4 sets of grandparents and each are involved with DD to differing degrees depending one circumstances, location and what each of the grandparents wants to do. There is simply no way for us equal amount would ever work.
It sounds like equal time for you is equally unworkable as it is for my family.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 22:11

@Nicknacky

hear why not? I’m a married woman who sees my dad several times a week (4 or 5 at the moment)
Because it just wouldn't be acceptable on here. He would be being called all sorts if he insisted on visiting his parents three times a week.
Nicknacky · 19/07/2020 22:12

hear And that would be completely double standards.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 19/07/2020 22:12

Nobody said life was fair.
If his parents were living closer they would be factored into childcare, driving 30 min each was to drop off and pick up is madness.
He's being an arse.

Frazzled2207 · 19/07/2020 22:12

he's very strange. It is that he doesn't want the children to become closer to your parents than to his? This usually happens with grandparents, but is just the way it is.

That said I do find it a bit odd that you would visit your in - laws for the day once a week. And that you would visit your own parents several times a week. We have rarely seen either set of grandparents more than once a week though I know lots of families see each other more often especially if they live close by (we don't).

Incrediblytired · 19/07/2020 22:13

People are being a little Harsh on DH!

The word “controlling” is way over used on these forums!

So... like you, see my mum a couple of times a week and PIL once. I refuse to split evenly as it’s my life, I’ll see my mum if I want! But we split things like Xmas evenly, so alternate each year. It’s important to have a sense of fairness but if you want to pop to your mums then do!!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 22:17

@Nicknacky

hear And that would be completely double standards.
It would, you're right.
CalmdownJanet · 19/07/2020 22:18

I would say "Of course you can keep the visits even between parents BUT I'll see my parents as often as I fucking like, so if that's twice or ten times I will decide and if you want to drive for an hour ten times a week to be a petty bastard then enjoy the trip but I am entitled to see my parents as I please. Actually I think what you meant to say was "Thank you for driving to see my parents every week so they can see dd, I know you don't have to" "

I am actually annoyed at his pettiness on your behalf

billy1966 · 19/07/2020 22:19

OP, be very careful of a man telling you what you can and cannot do.

You are right to be concerned.
He should be welcome to visit his parents, but he should not be telling you how often you can see your parents who live so close to you.

If he continues to try to bully you, you may need your parents..

Glad to read you have kept your job.

Do not be bullied.
Flowers

PennyTwirl · 19/07/2020 22:19

he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but...

This is controlling. Not overt, but yes, controlling.

I bet you're now a bit on edge about visiting your parents, not necessarily volunteering the information that you've called over to theirs unless you have to, if you don't nip this in the bud then before you know it you'll not bother calling over much because you can't be bothered with having to listen to him "expressing his opinion" and by that - you mean expressing his displeasure, or you'll find yourself outright lying about seeing them or he'll succeed in distancing you from them.

IJustWantSomeBees · 19/07/2020 22:23

What the heck?!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/07/2020 22:23

OP one word of advice..stop! Stop your husband now right now with his dictating.If you dont I promise you you will regret it.A simple fuck off darling and mind your own business (when I see who I want where i want) will suffice.What he is doing is so wrong...

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 22:28

DH is a fuckwit.

GobletOfIre · 19/07/2020 22:29

Why can’t he take your child to see his parents more often?

strawberry2017 · 19/07/2020 22:29

This isn't sustainable and it's not fair on you.
When I see my parents it's not just for my kids it's for me too, my mum is my best friend pretty much.
Yes the kids might be with me but i have no desire to go to my MIL and make uncomfortable small talk.
She also doesn't drive and she will never voluntarily come to our house we always have to go there.
Your husband isn't been reasonable.
If he wants it to be equal then he can take your child whenever he likes but it's not on you to sort their relationship out. X

verypeckish · 19/07/2020 22:34

He is being a total prat.

What's he going to do come Christmas and birthdays - demand that both sets of GP's spend the exact same amount of money on presents, down to the last penny?

FatMumSlim72 · 19/07/2020 22:35

Aibu to want my 20 year old son to join me in meeting my parents and my sister and BIL on Friday, having not seen the latter two since November? We are due to meet outside at a NT park and only for a few hours. He is anxious about catching the virus and has not been out of our village for months, but I explained we would be safe being outside etc. He says he has seen them on Zoom and that is enough. I asked dh what he thought and he said I was pressurising our son. Don’t children sometimes have to think what would be nice for others and put themselves out?! I’m wondering if he is autistic or just selfish or if I have too high expectations....so confusing. My 13 year old moaned about coming along but he then said he will and it will mean a lot to my family. My dh has very different views about how often to see family - ie as little as possible.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2020 22:35

Regardless of distance, your parents are YOUR parents, when you see them its not just so they can see your DD. let him take your daughter to
his parents if he wants, you havent got to make thr schlep.

Do both sets of grandparents also want to see you all this much/ do all this childcare? a baby is lovely to look after, toddlers not so much.

AudTheDeepMinded · 19/07/2020 22:39

@FatMumSlim72 you need to start your own thread. Go to 'start a new thread' at the top of the page and click on that.

back2good · 19/07/2020 22:39

Your DH is being a controlling dick, and it's worrying the lengths he appears to be planning to twist himself into to ensure it's what he considers 'fair'.

Your parents don't want to just see the grandchild, they want to see you. Which they can while you're on maternity leave. It's been lovely that you've also made sure to visit your DH's parents during this time, but the visits do't have to be equal to be fair. FFS.

Tell your DH he will not be micromanaging your life, your child's live and who you spend time with, and childcare will be done in the best interests of in the child and what works for your schedules.

His parents don't drive. If that means a logistical nightmare for them to provide regular childcare, then they don't provide it.

2Rebecca · 19/07/2020 22:41

My parents lived 8 hours away and my ex's 3. The nearer grandparents were seen more often. It's not a competition. Also they are not just grandparents they are your parents

Lysianthus · 19/07/2020 22:41

@FatMumSlim72

Aibu to want my 20 year old son to join me in meeting my parents and my sister and BIL on Friday, having not seen the latter two since November? We are due to meet outside at a NT park and only for a few hours. He is anxious about catching the virus and has not been out of our village for months, but I explained we would be safe being outside etc. He says he has seen them on Zoom and that is enough. I asked dh what he thought and he said I was pressurising our son. Don’t children sometimes have to think what would be nice for others and put themselves out?! I’m wondering if he is autistic or just selfish or if I have too high expectations....so confusing. My 13 year old moaned about coming along but he then said he will and it will mean a lot to my family. My dh has very different views about how often to see family - ie as little as possible.
I think you need to start your own thread for this one.
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/07/2020 22:42

"However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal."

Ah, 'fair'. Has nobody told him that life isn't fair? 'Fair' is such a weasel word sometimes.

Fact is, his parents are 30 minutes away and don't drive. Your parents are five minutes away and come to you under their own steam. If he wants to talk about 'fair' I'd be insisting that his parents move closer and learn to drive because it's only fair that you shouldn't be expected to put more effort into seeing them than seeing your parents. See how weaselly 'fair' can be?

As a possibility other than being a controlling dickhead - could it be some variation of lockdown stress? The reason I'm asking is this comment you posted:

"DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents ."

It made me wonder if he's become so used to it being just the three of you, all day every day, that he's slightly freaked at interacting with 'outsiders'. Yes, even grandparents!

I'm wondering if this 'equal time' crap is being spun as a way to minimise time spent with any grandparent. The logistics of seeing his parents naturally restrict the time; and so insisting on 'equal time' then restricts your parents to match.

Just a thought.

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