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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH limiting how often me and DD see my parents

169 replies

LouRose8819 · 19/07/2020 21:09

Sorry in advance for long post.
Looking for opinions really... so for context, DD is 11 months old, I am on mat leave and due back to work in about 4 weeks. My parents live 5 mins away, I am and always have been very close to them and pre-lockdown I would see them maybe 3 times a week (sometimes only for an hour or 2 at a time) as they are both retired . This was especially helpful when my DH went back to work after DD’s birth. DH has been working from home since March and will soon be going back into the office a few days a week. It’s been great having him at home as he’s been able to see our DD grow everyday which he would have missed out on if in the office everyday!

Now that lockdown is easing, I’m able to start seeing my parents more often, as I did before when mat leave started. As they’re only round the corner it’s easy for me to see them this frequently. However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal. DH parents are a 30 min drive away and pre-lockdown I would always go and visit them once a week For the day. I’ve started this up again now, along with going to my own parents for the day once a week. I have also been popping to see my parents for an additional couple of hours during the week (as I want to get out the house as much as I can whilst still on mat leave and also I’ve always seen my parents a few times a week) however DH doesn’t think this is fair (he knows I did this pre-lockdown but as he is at home every day now he is more aware and therefore expresses his opinion more). He doesn’t necessarily say I can’t see them, but instead if I have seen them more than he’s parents, then he says we have to go and see his parents again too, so it’s equal. I don’t mind seeing them, but it is just a bit too tit for tat for me... I don’t want it to be so regimented that both sets of grandparents have seen DD the same number of hours each week. Naturally it will go up and down depending on family occasions etc.

Also when I go back to work, it is likely that both myself and DH will be working from home full time. We are using the grandparents to look after DD - DH has said that childcare will need to be equal between all GPs (which I totally get) however he’s parents do not drive so Could not come over to get DD, where as my Parents could easily come and collect DD to look after. If we were both commuting to the office then it would be easier to split the childcare as we could drop DD off but I just think it’s ridiculous for us to drive to take DD to He’s parents 30 mins away for us to drive back home to work? DH is also getting a bit funny about childcare, saying that he will get up early to get most of his work done before I start work each day, meaning he can look after DD without the involvement of grandparents . Of course this is great I’m happy for him to spend time with our DD however I also feel that after 4 Months of not seeing their granddaughter that it would be nice for the Grandparents to spend some quality time with our DD in the week.

AIBU For wanting to spend time with my Parents throughout the week and to see them more than my PIL? Also AIBU to think the most logical option is for my parents to do most of the childcare due to current circumstances? Also to add, PIL have other grand children they are involved in, whereas our DD is my parents first therefore they have more time to support us.

TIA!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 20/07/2020 00:24

Yeap, he takes your joint child to visit his parents as much as he likes. Problem solved.

Time2change2 · 20/07/2020 00:33

The thing is, YOU are visiting YOUR mum and dad. Your DD is with you because you are her mum and her main carer at the moment! It’s not Your mum and dad are spending time with their daughter- you! It’s not only about your DD. It’s not only about grandparent / grandchildren! Your mum and dad have a right to spend time with their daughter (you!) He is free to see his mum and dad as much as he wants and if he wants to take the baby with him - and you if you are free, then that’s fine! No one would be telling me i couldn’t visit my parents.

Namenic · 20/07/2020 00:42

If he is fussed over his parents then he can take the time to do the driving. He might find it also a bit hard to schedule as they have other commitments too.

If he is bothered, he can go part-time or work flexible hours while u delegate some of yours to your parents

Osirus · 20/07/2020 00:46

@YewHedge

I'm with your husband. See both grandparents equally. It's unfair otherwise. Imagine you are the grandparents who are less involved - how would you feel? Would you like to be the lesser grandma? It's also unfair on your husband that his parents are the lesser grandparents, how do you think he feels?
I see my mother 3 times a week. MIL, maybe every 2 weeks. They live the exact same distance from my house (5 min walk).

I see my mother more because she’s my mother and I want to see HER, not for child entertaining or grandmother competitiveness. Don’t be a dick like the OP’s husband.

MrsHSW · 20/07/2020 01:01

Why is it your responsibility to visit his parents? If he's so keen let him take them. Let him drive it.

Spend as much time as you want with your parents, as much as I hate to say it, they won't be around forever.

I think its pretty normal for mum's parents to see more of GCs if both fairly nearby?

Chocoholic12 · 20/07/2020 01:03

Your husband has some issues he needs to work on......YANBU he sounds very odd.

EKGEMS · 20/07/2020 01:04

Life doesn't work out equally,does it? Certainly if your family live closer in proximity to you then you may see them more than the other side of the family,but perhaps not! Agree that if HE wants his family to see baby then he arranges it

Chloemol · 20/07/2020 01:10

Your husband is an idiot. And if he thinks grandparents should be spending equal time then he cane take your child there, and collect if they do childcare for you. He can take her to see them and you take her to yours

All this grandparents should have equal time is rubbish, in real life it doesn’t work like that

longwayoff · 20/07/2020 06:06

Man's a fool. Good luck with him.

Jeremyironsnothing · 20/07/2020 06:12

I can understand the sentiment.

But
You can spend all the time you want with your parents then he can facilitate the matching of it with his parents. Ditto the childcare. He can do the traveling to facilitate his 50%.

Or
He leaves you to get on with it however it's easier for you.

Claliscool · 20/07/2020 07:10

This is really appallingly controlling, concerning behaviour. Is this within a pattern? Has it just started? This is such a red flag.

SayakaMurata · 20/07/2020 07:47

This all sounds ridiculous and completely exhausting. Do you have to keep a tally of how many hours each set of grandparents has had rach week?

Gobbycop · 20/07/2020 07:58

Really weird.

Does he time how many hours you each spend with dd to ensure that's fair?

It's obvious that whichever set of grandparents are closest will get to see dd more.

pepsicola5 · 20/07/2020 09:15

This is so odd OP.

There are thousands of people who live in different cities, counties and countries to one grandparent, but love round the corner from another. It's just the way it is.

The problem here is that YOU want to see your parents. You are allowed to spend as much time as you like with them. I think it's a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with your parents and see them often. It is healthy, especially when you have a young baby.

Unfortunately, 11 month olds can't be left at home and are fairly attached to their mums (funny that!). So will be going with you when you want to visit your parents.

His reasoning is controlling and bizarre. Very, very odd.

Original poster
LouRose8819 · 20/07/2020 10:27

Thanks everyone, so DH isn’t like this with anything else, our relationship is good, we have lots of family time the three of us and i can do what I like, it’s not like I ever have to ask to do anything and trust me I would never stay in a relationship if it got that way! He is really good at making sure I have ‘me time’ and he also knows it’s healthy for us both to maintain our relationships with friends so he is really supportive like that. It’s just in regards to my family... I think he is worried that DD will end up having ‘favourites’ which of course is not why I’m seeing them more! As a lot of you have said, it is more that I want to catch up with my mum and dad, as I always did before DD. I think from his perspective I am out having fun with them when his parents are sat at home not getting these moments with her. His parents other grand children are all a bit older now so passed the baby and toddler stage. There’s no way I’m going to stop seeing my parents, I do just sometimes feel a bit on edge when I tell him my plans for the day and I really don’t want to feel like that! I admit I’m not the best with confrontation and will avoid it where I can, when I have brought it up we usually end up arguing so I end up trying to change the subject and we never get to the bottom of how we both feel.

I think it’s also because I have a good, happy relationship with my parents and he’s relationship with his isn’t the same. I think he’d like me to replicate the fun I have with mine, with his.

Also I’m hoping it is a lockdown thing, where we’ve had all this time the three of us which has been great and now we’re starting to plan for my return to work he is probably thinking this is going to be disrupted.

I think because our relationship is fine else where, the fact that he is getting funny about this made me question whether actually i was being unreasonable but you’ve all helped confirm this is not the case.

Thanks all

OP posts:
Boom45 · 20/07/2020 10:45

Your DD will end up having a favourite grandparent, or is likely too because shes likely to get on better with one set than the other. It's what human beings are like. That favourite might change weekly though and its not necessarily going to be dictated by how often she sees them, especially if she sees your in laws regularly (even if it is less often). My Nan who lived at the other side of Europe was my favourite, because she was lovely. My nan who lived 5 minutes down the road and I saw weekly was also great but I loved my "abuela" more.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/07/2020 11:22

@Boom45

Your DD will end up having a favourite grandparent, or is likely too because shes likely to get on better with one set than the other. It's what human beings are like. That favourite might change weekly though and its not necessarily going to be dictated by how often she sees them, especially if she sees your in laws regularly (even if it is less often). My Nan who lived at the other side of Europe was my favourite, because she was lovely. My nan who lived 5 minutes down the road and I saw weekly was also great but I loved my "abuela" more.
True. I only saw my nan (mum’s mum) a handful of times throughout my life but she was definitely my favourite grandparent.
2pinkginsplease · 20/07/2020 11:31

When he says he doesn’t want your child having a favourite grandparent who she sees more, I saw my mums mum more as she babysat to let my mum work(my dad died when I was 4) so we saw her most days , my dad’s mum we saw once a week growing up but she was always my favourite, she was fun time granny made us laugh, who took us on trips, days out, bought us things where as my other gran gave us into trouble and moaned at us though we were there’s most days.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/07/2020 11:49

So if you are seeing your parents for you, why can't your DD stay with your husband sometimes when you visit your parents? Maybe he could take her to visit his parents while you visit your parents sometimes, if you are going for you?

Is he upset because you are taking her to visit your parents a lot and that means he's missing out on seeing his dd?

HisNibs · 20/07/2020 12:07

Is he upset because you are taking her to visit your parents a lot and that means he's missing out on seeing his dd?

Not what was said in the op which was...
However DH says that it’s only fair for our DD to see all grandparents the same amount each week and that it should be equal.
Unless Op was stopping him going to her parents, he'd still be with his child anyway.

Hope you get it sorted Op. As people have said, the favourites thing is human nature and will change over time anyway. Also, it's not your job to replicate the fun with his parents.

billy1966 · 20/07/2020 12:20

However good your relationship is OP, he IS trying to control what you want to do, and how you spend your time.

You are arguing about it, and you are on edge trying to avoid upsetting him, and the conflict it causes when you don't do as he wants.

It really doesn't make any difference how you dress it up, or how the rest of your relationship is, the truth of the matter is, that there is an issue here.

He has absolutely no business trying to manage YOUR time and how you spend it.

You can be conflict averse and do as your told OP, but you will have to accept the consequences of it.

Or, you can tell him you will see YOUR parents any time you want, with and without your child.

He needs to bring his child to see his parents more if he so wishes.

Either way, he sounds controlling with this issue, and you need to stand your ground.

HE is risking damaging your marriage with HIS issue.
Flowers

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/07/2020 12:29

So if an op was posting that her husband wanted to visit his parents three times a week and she wasn't happy about that you would all tell her that she was being controlling and that he should end the marriage would you?

How can a family function as a family is both partners are each visiting their three times a week, at separate times in order to take the child with them? That's bonkers isn't it? 6 days a week they'll be visiting parents?????

Alsohuman · 20/07/2020 12:59

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

So if an op was posting that her husband wanted to visit his parents three times a week and she wasn't happy about that you would all tell her that she was being controlling and that he should end the marriage would you?

How can a family function as a family is both partners are each visiting their three times a week, at separate times in order to take the child with them? That's bonkers isn't it? 6 days a week they'll be visiting parents?????

Yes, it is bonkers. Completely. Which is why this guy’s being completely ridiculous.
Goingdownto · 20/07/2020 13:00

He doesn't want to see them more though does he? He just wants her to see them less.

LightDrizzle · 20/07/2020 13:03

Frequency doesn’t always correlate to preference. Until she was five my eldest saw my in-laws fortnightly and my parents a few times a year due to distance. My mother was hands down my daughter’s favourite, probably over me and her dad to be honest. My dad didn’t get a look-in and she loved my in-laws but my mum was always amazing with small children.
He needs to relax. Your children may actually have different favourites amongst their grandparents at different stages, but hopefully will be too polite to share that with the less favoured ones!