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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
coconutpie · 19/07/2020 15:26

The decision to breastfeed is for you, the mother, only, he does not get a say. I have to roll my eyes at the comments here suggesting the OP "compromises" and combination feeds or let him give a bottle of formula or expressed milk. Those kind of comments are not supportive at all to a woman who wishes to breastfeed.

It's not "compromising" by introducing bottles, that is being told what to do when she doesn't wish to do so. Giving a bottle of formula means the OP will need to express at that same time to make sure her supply isn't impacted. Also, there can be issues with introducing formula to exclusively bf babies. Also, regarding expressed milk - again, more work for the mother as she will need to express to get enough milk for that feed in advance and then will also have to express at the time when the feed is given so as not to impact supply. So, unless the OP wishes to have her breastmilk supply impacted, then her DH insisting on one feed does not actually give her a break at all.

Your DH can pull his weight with your baby in so many other ways. Ways that mean less work for you. "Helping" does not mean you get lumped with extra load.

So no, he does not get a choice. And him trying to insist on trying to shoulder in on the ONE THING that a mother can only do (breastfeed) is being very unsupportive. He can still do his fair share for night feeds, eg he can change baby's nappy or wind the baby etc so that you don't need to get out of bed.

joyjester · 19/07/2020 15:27

Breastfeeding is beneficial for both mother and baby so the best way for him to help both of you is to support your decision.

Couchbettato · 19/07/2020 15:28

Prolactin is highest at night, so it makes sense for the person with breasts to do night feeds as that's when baby will get most milk.

I would advise speaking to an infant feeding worker about formula and breastfeeding.

In an ideal world, formula would only be introduced where medically necessary because it's iron heavy content puts baby's at risk of infections, and constipation. Breastmilk also has all the benefits of being a live milk.

However bodily autonomy is a thing, and it's a choice you should be supported to make all on your own.

There's also no reason why he can't feed expressed breastmilk.

Breastfeeding is hard work, and you need support from your partner in the early days especially so I would kindly suggest getting him to do some reading about how he can help you.

Esspee · 19/07/2020 15:28

You are both new to this. Of course breast feeding is the very best for your baby. Perhaps get him to read up on it.
I love that he wants to do night feeds (though if he has a job that enthusiasm may be short lived 😀)
Once bf is established you may find at times you are full to overflowing and if you have extra it is easy to collect and freeze for future emergencies. Sometimes pumping helps to increase your supply.
I donated to my local hospital and saved a few tiny lives by doing so.
Very best wishes to you and your partner. Enjoy your baby.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 15:28

@Balhammom

Of course you both get a say.

If you can’t agree, I assume you’ll bf and he’ll formula feed.

And what of he decides baby should be bf and op doesn't. Just he just pull out ops breasts when it's time to feed?

Even if he goes out and buys all the stuff to ff baby, op can have baby on the breast in a fraction of the time so he'd just look like an idiot. Which Tbh he would of he went out and brought formula when op wants to bf

Destroyedpeople · 19/07/2020 15:28

If he doesn't know what colostrum is then he needs to read up...
I must admit I only knew what it was as i used to work with breeding horses....Grin

IwishIhadaMargarita · 19/07/2020 15:29

Breastfeeding is best for your baby and actually holds many benefits for you and like you said you don’t need to faff making and sterilising bottles. He could do bath time which is nice for bonding and take the baby to cuddle/wind after a fed while you rest.

han01uk · 19/07/2020 15:29

Breastfeeding is a hell of a lot easier if he supports you in that decision. Will he always then be a bit miffed if you say you're tired after feeding all night, for example. Perhaps get him on board and list all the other ways he can help, bathing, changing, reading story, helping you, getting you drink/food whilst feeding, so that he feels like he can make a difference. But ultimately his support will help make it happen.

june2007 · 19/07/2020 15:30

Tell him there are so many other ways he can help, bathing, dressing, singing to baby, changing,

2bazookas · 19/07/2020 15:30

Once your milk supply builds up, you can express some for a nightfeed by Dad. Or, maybe let the baby have one bottle, during the night.

It's wonderful that he wants to share night feeds and if you can do that, getting more sleep will make such a difference to you. So in your shoes I'd try very hard to find a compromise and make it work.

I'd recommend any new mum to  actively encourage as much baby care and contact by dad  as possible, right from birth.
Sexnotgender · 19/07/2020 15:32

No he doesn’t get a say. And don’t arse around with expressing so he can ‘bond’ by doing some feeds unless YOU really want to express.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/07/2020 15:32

You are parents. Yes so they should want to do what is best for the child.

You are Both the child's parents.
You Thefore have an equal say in what happens. With other things yes. But choices around pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding remain the woman's decision. Imagine your husband forcing you to have a pain relief free labour or forcing you to have a c section.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used. Wrong again. No woman has to do anything with her body to please a man. Only rape apologists think they do.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum So breastfeeding mothers should all be single mothers? I breastfeed my 10mo and my partner has done every other aspect of parenting and their bond is just as strong. Should I tell him we have to split up?

It's a shame so many people think women should have no say in what happens to their bodies.

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:32

[quote Balhammom]@Evelefteden

Assuming you’re some kind of troll.

Many people formula feed form a whole load of reasons. They are not answerable to you or anyone else for that matter.

And of course a father can formula feed a baby if he wants to. How exactly do you (lawfully) oppose to stop him?[/quote]
Oh no I’m not a troll. And assuming your not some hairy knuckle dragger I’ll respond.

I too formula fed after a few weeks. Many reasons that contributed but in the end I really didn’t enjoy breastfeeding. My nipples were bleeding and I had mastitis so I was happy to switch over to the Aptmil!

But here is the difference - if I’d have been able to carry on with ease I would have. And if anyone would have tried to stop me from feeding my baby with the milk that my body made especially for it - they would have been told to fuck right off.

It’s incredibly idiotic and selfish to want to feed your baby something that’s been factory made when the mother is perfectly happy breastfeed exclusively.

Shmithecat2 · 19/07/2020 15:33

It wasn't even a debate for DH and I. I had decided to ebf. So I ebfd. There's some seriously dodgy replies on this thread.

OobleFloobleBooble · 19/07/2020 15:34

I had to express to start with due to being separated from DD to start with along with putting her to the breast and topping up with formula. Can honestly say when I stopped topping up with formula and stopped expressing (unless I wanted to) it made my life so much easier. Combination feeding was HARD, sterilising, having to spend less time cuddling DD and soaking her in to pump. I would have resented that if it was not for a medical reason. DH works 12hr night shifts so night feeds were never something he was going to help with on a regular basis anyway but he supported me with every bit of it, he once phrased it as "I know how much you love her and that you would never do anything to hurt her so if you've made that decision, it is the right one". He and DD have the most beautiful bond, feeding didn't come into it for them!

Bateshotel · 19/07/2020 15:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pepsicola5 · 19/07/2020 15:36
  • If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.*

What a load of shite.

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2020 15:37

Dad gets absolutely no vote on this one. He can express an opinion and then has to support what you decide

I would recommend he take a lactation class. He needs to understand the support that is so essential to breastfeeding success

Honeyroar · 19/07/2020 15:37

I think anything that can only be done by the woman are the woman’s decision- birth and feeding. That aside it’s joint decisions. There are plenty of other ways he can get involved. It’s about the baby, not him.

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:37

Is this honestly where we are in society that it’s actually up for discussion if you can breast feed your own baby?

SinkGirl · 19/07/2020 15:38

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

ODFOD. She doesn’t have to do any such thing.

I always assume people saying crap like this have never pumped in their lives - it’s absolutely brutal and I would not have done it just so DH could do something that does not need to be done. As if happens my twins never managed to latch properly after a long period of tube feeding in nicu so I pumped, and it was a truly miserable experience. I would have very much resented DH if I’d had to do that so make him happy.

Babies have been fed by their mothers since the dawn of the human race. There’s plenty of other stuff he can do. Maybe you’ll choose to combination feed, maybe breastfeeding won’t go smoothly and you’ll have to find another way to make things work, but planning to breastfeed exclusively is in no way unfair.

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 19/07/2020 15:38

not RTFT but my husband said me breastfeedjng was one of the best parenting decisions we made! It meant he got to sleep pretty well most nights as the babies ( now 1 and 3) never cried in the night unless they were teething.... it meant that he had the energy in the daytime to go to work, cook, play with the kids and be generally more helpful than if we were both knackered.

It was hard at times, knowing that the responsibility was all on me and I never got a full night's sleep (even now, but thats a story for another thread) but it worked for us.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 15:38

Oh I’ll be breastfeeding her don’t worry eve

But really didn’t know what couples did when there was a differing opinion of this sort of nature. If I thought it was a control thing the relationship would be over. I don’t. I think it’s borne from good intentions.

OP posts:
WheresMyMilk · 19/07/2020 15:39

It’s completely up to you OP and if he gives formula then that undermines you as it will affect your supply. He would be a dick to do this.

However comments like this need to stop.

In an ideal world, formula would only be introduced if medically necessary

If the OP wanted to formula feed that would be fine too. The point is it’s her choice and she should be supported.

ThatDamnScientist · 19/07/2020 15:41

He gets absolutely no say in it. None. Your body is designed to feed your baby and if that is what you choose then it is your decision and yours alone. I appreciate that some can't and some don't want to for whatever reason (amd that is their choice also and shouldn't be judged), at the end of the day feeding should be the choice made solely by the mum (other choices can be made together and should be but if it involves your body, it is your choice).