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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Balhammom · 19/07/2020 15:11

Of course you both get a say.

If you can’t agree, I assume you’ll bf and he’ll formula feed.

flooredbored · 19/07/2020 15:12

When the time comes don't express if you don't want to, I found it a massive faff. In the grand scheme of things it is such a short amount of time that babies only need milk. He can wait 6 months.

userabcname · 19/07/2020 15:12

I ebf both my sons. Breastfeeding doesn't stop anyone else bonding with the baby. Babies need winding, nappy changes, baths, cuddles, rocking, you can sing to them, tell them little stories, take them for walks in the buggy etc. etc. Newborns breastfeed a lot initially but once the cluster feeding is over (by about 6-8 weeks ime), they can go a decent stretch without feeds where dad can take over. And during those initial weeks, it is actually really helpful to have someone a bit more rested who can do the housework/cooking/laundry etc. while you are sleep deprived and attached to the baby. With my first, we often all went up to bed together. I laid the baby between us and fed in the side lying position while dh was on the other side of him and could stroke his head/hold his hand, talk to him softly, periodically take him for winding and changes if needed. It made me feel less alone during cluster feeds and dh felt involved. I then co-slept with ds and dh moved elsewhere but obviously for less cot-resistant babies you can put them in their cot to sleep. Dh is a very hands on dad and I don't think has been impacted in any way by me breastfeeding our two.

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:12

SummerRoseGardens I did feel like a cow! Having a pump hanging off me chugging away was such a weird sensation for me Grin

If your adamant that you partner isn’t controlling and I can see why people think that - then he is selfish and immature.

He was crestfallen because even though he said it was about ‘helping you’ it’s actually something he wants to do for himself

My breastfeeding deteriorated pretty quick after I started topping up with formula. I think they struggled with having a plastic teat put in their mouth when they were so used to having something that was literally designed for their mouth, your nipple. Then they struggled to latch on after the teat.

Please don’t let some ones dejected face, or crestfallen looks emotionally blackmail you. If you can exclusively feed your baby breast milk then do it.

Destroyedpeople · 19/07/2020 15:13

You don't have to 'be around babies' to know that breast milk is best surely it's a no brainer?
And if you didn't breast feed and you didn't give your baby that v important first colostrum. ..just to massage the ego of your hubby....
Would he be happy to have you go around with rock hard painful breasts?
Because frankly he is not sounding like he cares about either of you.

Standrewsschool · 19/07/2020 15:13

Can you acknowledge that you appreciate his kind offer to help out, but feel you’d like to continue breast feeding, as its best for the baby.

EwwSprouts · 19/07/2020 15:13

He can have an opinion but no he does not get to decide. Tell him it would be super helpful if he would regularly do the 5.30am breakfasts (still night-time in my book) as soon as weaning has started.

Ginfordinner · 19/07/2020 15:14

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

What an utterly ridiculous comment Hmm

Pump and bottle it. Your boobs will get into a schedule, and hopefully won't just fill up and leak overnight without a night feed.

Why should she? I have breastfed, pumped and bottle fed and formula fed. Feeding straight from the breast (once breastfeeding has been established) is by far the easiest, most efficient and safest way to feed a baby. Pumping and bottle feeding is such a faff what with having to sterilise and then heat the milk if stored in the fridge. Just cut out the middle man.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 15:15

There is no way that will happen destroyed, trust me on this. But I do wish to be fair, and I think it’s someone who has not been around babies and doesn’t know about them. He probably doesn’t even know what colostrum is.

OP posts:
Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:15

@Balhammom

Of course you both get a say.

If you can’t agree, I assume you’ll bf and he’ll formula feed.

The most ridiculous post ever. If a mother is capable of feeding her baby breast milk only a fucking idiot would insist on formula for shits and giggles.
Parker231 · 19/07/2020 15:16

It should be something which is discussed by both of you as future parents as to what is best. You’re both going to be parents to the baby and if you can’t agree on this, doesn’t bode well for future discussions and decisions.

majesticallyawkward · 19/07/2020 15:16

There are other ways to help and to bond with a baby than feeding. It's too easy for people (read:men) to claim they've done their bit because they've given a bottle but actually the rest takes more time and is more help to a new mum than the odd feed!

OP if you want to breastfeed then breastfeed, your dh doesn't get to decide or dictate. IF you want to give the odd bottle or even stop bfing that's up to you but while you are bfing your dh can make sure you have snacks/meals and drinks, do nappies, burping, dressing, bathing, rocking and all the other stuff that you and baby need (I know I'd rather my dh ran the hoover round and made me some food than did the off feed!)

Wilburgh · 19/07/2020 15:17

My first husband was the other way. Absolutely pushed me to breastfeed because his mum feed Him and his sibling until they were toddlers. Even when I was starving Dd and she was failing to thrive he was angry at me that I wasn’t able to feed her. Set me up for PND nicely.

He was a controlling areshole.

Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 15:18

How do you stop him feeding the baby from a bottle, not just at night but during the day if he choses?

Being cynical, I suspect he is offering so you cant complain in years to come that you did all the night feeding. He can say he offered but you wouldn't let him.

Mintychoc1 · 19/07/2020 15:18

A few things to bear in mind - if you start adding bottles in from the start, there’s a significant risk that you won’t be able to establish breastfeeding. Your body makes milk based on how often your baby feeds. If you add formula, you will make less milk, so there may be less next time baby feeds. You then end up topping up with formula, and then next time there’s even less breast milk , and before you know it you’re not breastfeeding at all. Of course some people are able to mix feed, but most aren’t.
Also, you have one shot at breastfeeding - you can’t go back to it after a few weeks, because the milk will be gone. So if your husband decides after the first few weeks of night feeds that actually he’s knackered, and he’d rather be involved in other ways, then it’s too late, and you can’t breastfeed at all then.
I’m pretty sure everyone will agree that doing night feeds is a novelty that wears off very very quickly. Dragging yourself up from sleep every couple of hours to watch a baby gulp milk and go back to sleep is definitely not a parenting highlight. It’s much more fun to be the one who’s awake enough during the day to enjoy the fun stuff!
Also, presumably your husband will be back at work while your on maternity leave, so logically you’ll be doing the vast majority of night feeds anyway.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/07/2020 15:18

Funny how these types of men always want to do the feeding. Never the changing nappies or settling or bathing. Probably so they can say "you can do XYZ, I fed the baby".

Mintychoc1 · 19/07/2020 15:19

You’re

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 19/07/2020 15:19

@SummerRoseGardens

And this is it, I don’t want to be pumping milk like a bloody cow! Grin
Please think about how hurtful this statement is. Its not nice comparing women to cows.

I couldn't breast feed as much as I wanted to, it was impossible, it almost destroyed my mental health and relationship with dh, so I expressed for 6 months.

Balhammom · 19/07/2020 15:20

@Evelefteden

Assuming you’re some kind of troll.

Many people formula feed form a whole load of reasons. They are not answerable to you or anyone else for that matter.

And of course a father can formula feed a baby if he wants to. How exactly do you (lawfully) oppose to stop him?

NeverHadANickname · 19/07/2020 15:20

I'm shocked at some comments. Surely if someone can and wants to breastfeed then that is what happens? Obviously discussions can take place and feelings considered but feeding is not the only way to bond with a baby. There are nappy changes, baths, winding, getting down for sleep, playing etc.

JellyfishandShells · 19/07/2020 15:21

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

That’s a startlingly awful thing to say - she has to use her body in a way that she doesn’t want because he fancies doing something that his body isn’t designed for ?
Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:22

I’m actually agog at some of these posts tbh.

Since when the fuck did people think it was fair to let men have a say on if the mother is allowed to breastfeed her own baby? When has that ever been up for conversation? The milk that a mother produces is priceless to her her baby, nothing can replicate it - yet people would be quite happy to give the baby cows milk when the mother is perfectly happy to breast feed Confused

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 15:23

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum

What a wonderful idea. And one I’d have happily done it my dh had suggested otherwise.

back2good · 19/07/2020 15:24

He can help with nighttime feeds. He can fetch the baby for you. He can change the baby in the middle of the night. He can settle the baby after you've fed him/her in the middle of the night while you go back to sleep.

ftm202020 · 19/07/2020 15:25

Surely Dads don't go around ff babies when the Mums are trying to ebf, that would be seriously fucked up. Breast is best if you can, why wouldn't he want what is best for his baby? So weird.

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