To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

This is one of the few decisions concerning the child that he gets no say in IMO.

He could wind the baby, change nappies and settle them etc there's absolutely plenty to do

Exactly this. Soon as I fed, I'd hand over to DH so he could wind, nappy change etc.

Breastfeeding is tough, expressing can be hard work (just to please someone) and you might not want to combi feed (again, just to please someone).

*Oh I’ll be breastfeeding her don’t worry eve

But really didn’t know what couples did when there was a differing opinion of this sort of nature. If I thought it was a control thing the relationship would be over. I don’t. I think it’s borne from good intentions.*

Honestly, I don't actually know any men who would disagree with how their wife chose to feed so it's not something I've ever come across.

pineapple if you think I’m the sort of woman who comes ‘crying to Mumsnet’ about anything then you are very wrong.

To some extent it is about me as the mother for a very brief period, pregnancy birth and feeding. Because that’s a biological thing. No one can help that.

If he genuinely wants to help, as opposed to doesn't want to be sidelined, then there's loads he can do.

Bring you baby
Change baby
Settle baby after
Make sure you're comfortable
Bring you a drink or anything you need

If he wants to feel closer to baby he can sit behind you with you leaning into him while you feed so you're all cosy together, but ONLY if you're comfortable.

I think feeding a baby is so nurturing it's not surprising many Dads feel left out and I think it's important to try to include them as much as possible and to encourage skin to skin cuddling too.

But at the end of the day, BABY needs to come first and If you feel breastfeeding is best & you're able to do so, then he needs to understand that & not pressure you or sulk.

@Pineapple1

Wow... Some people seem to think its all about them as the mother.

No surprise though... Selfish sods.

Dont come crying to mums net when the husband wants to do something he wants to do and you say no... Yet he does it anyway.

No it's all about the baby. Jesus Christ what is wrong with you. And by the way, OP has grown this baby in her body for 9 months so actually it should all be about her as she continues to nourish and care for her baby. When her husband can grow a set of tits and feed the baby maybe then he can decide but until then it's her decision.

@Pineapple1

Feeding a newborn baby IS all.about the .....baby.....and its mother is in the best position to do that well....

Oh god I hope not incredibly, that sounds so claustrophobic

Breastfeeding absolutely is the best for your baby, and for you. You should definitely give it a go. I'm currently bf-ing my youngest and would wholeheartedly support anyone who wants to. He doesn't get to choose, but just on your comment it just seems to me to be so much easier than messing with bottles , there will be plenty of times when messing with bottles will feel like the easiest thing in the world - your boobs will hurt, you'll want to sleep so bad, you will be sick of being touched, and you should be prepared for that feeling. It will pass (or maybe it wont), but it's not abnormal.

Combi feeding is the way or else you could express so he can feed the baby while you sleep. It's a good idea to express anyway so that your baby gets used to a bottle, there are endless mothers on here who have children refusing anything but breast.

It sounds good but see how it goes and do exclusively breast feed for a little while if you can.

Good luck.

He can still help out though. My DH used to get up, change the baby's nappy, then bring him to me for a feed. Sometimes he even took him back to the cot afterwards too. It certainly made the night feeds much easier during those early weeks.

He wants to risk your baby’s health so that he can feel more involved in the first few months? does he have any ideas of the benefits of breastfeeding for the child? If not, tell him to get reading and if he still wants you to formula feed after that then he really is prioritising his own needs above his child’s.

But @Pineapple1 he doesn’t have a good reason to want her to not breastfeed. If the baby were here and breastfed but not gaining weight and the medical advice was to top up with formula (as happened with me) but OP wanted to continue ebf, I would at that point say it’s a welfare issue and his opinion matters.

At that point they need to have a discussion as parents. As it stands it’s just so he can give a bottle and as far as I’m concerned that’s her DP making it all about him more than OP wanting to breastfeed making it about her.

OP, your DH has to hear you loud and clear on this: you need time, space and support from him because breastfeeding is very often not straightforward and most women encounter various problems along the way.

This is a great book on breastfeeding and a very helpful read pre-baby: www.amazon.co.uk/Food-Love-Formula-Successful-Breastfeeding/dp/0954930959/ref=nodl_

If you're not keen to buy a book then here is a great website: kellymom.com

One other thought - this is coming just from him, yes? He's not been fed a line by his mother, suggesting that you should not be "allowed" to do all the feeding as he won't bond with the baby (and as a side thought, she won't get to help out either)?

I know you haven't mentioned MIL, don't even know if she's on the scene, but your DH wouldn't be the first to have been "put up to" this sort of suggestion!

It’s up to the mum how she feeds at the end of the day. I could understand if the mum just refused to try breastfeeding and the dad being annoyed at her not even giving it a go, when it’s far better for the baby (I know people don’t like this being pointed out but it is true), but I can’t really understand a dad having a preference for bottle feeding just so he can join in, that novelty will soon wear off anyway.

There are other things the dad can do to help anyway as others have pointed out. My husband did sometimes feel a bit left out as I was number 1 for the first couple of years with both our children, he just didn’t have boobs so they preferred me! But now they are 3 and 4 he’s far more popular than me.

@SummerRoseGardens

Possibly but I don’t want to, I really want to breastfeed. Everything I’ve read indicates it’s the very best for the baby, and it just seems to me to be so much easier than messing with bottles.

So you can express and he can do a bottle of expressed breastmilk

I can’t say for sure but I doubt it.

I wonder how many PP's had their babies in lockdown, with husbands unable to attend scans and in some cases, majority of labour and even the birth? I think it's understandable that your DH wants to be as involved as possible, but I do agree that the decision re: breastfeeding is ultimately yours OP.
We decided that I would try and bf DD but DH would do bottles as and when needed. This worked for us as he was able to give a bottle of formula or expressed milk in the evening and I could get some sleep!
If you're not keen on pumping, maybe try a Hakaa or other suction cup. I would collect around 4oz over the course of the day that became a feed for DH to give.
Also, I've heard the Elvie pumps are very good, just fit in your bra and you can go about your day as normal. I sadly couldn't justify the cost but wish I could! DD has prescription formula due to CMPA so I don't really bother pumping much these days, she has a bottle of that in the evening.
DH does majority of nappies, bath time etc and has a lovely bond with DD, she adores him!

It’s not as easy as him just giving formula or doing night feeds with ebm.

Both can fuck up supply and make bf harder, occasionally it can lead to the end of bf completely. After all, who wants to get up at 2am to pump to keep supply up just so their dh can also get up to feed it in a bottle.

Expressing is miserable though, I hated it. I expressed lots with my first baby for various reasons. For my second I haven't expressed once and don't intend too. If my husband tried to insist I should I'd tell him to get fucked because its my body and I don't want to.

So those saying he can also choose, What if he was a avid breastfeeding advocate. Can he say no to bottles of formula and insist she breasfeeds?
There are plenty of ways to bond no need for him to feed the baby, Bath, nappies, rocking, settling to sleep, burping, you name it.

I think the ultimate decision is completely yours. However, I’d approach it saying ebf is what you want to do but you will take each day/week as it is and see how you feel. There can be something horribly overwhelming at times at being the only person who can feed/console/get to sleep etc and the fact it’s 24/7 with the potential to go on months and months beyond what you might end up wanting.

I combine fed DC2 (although still with breast milk in bottles) and it was fine but DC4 had so many allergies that after two months we used a special formula, and it was only then that I realised how strongly that ebf wasn’t for me. I’m not having anymore children, so it was a bit late for me to make this realisation but I wish I had been more open minded (about lots of things!) from the start.

My DH was a massive help with the night times whilst on paternity leave and I exclusively breastfed.

Maybe ask him what his expectation of helping for the night feeds look once he has to return to work and that might give him a pause.