To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP your mistake was asking in AIBU where so many posters think a father expressing a preference or wanting to be involved makes them abusive. Others have suggested expressing, it certainly worked well for us. We used to do feeds before 1 am were him and I got an early tonight. After 1 was me and he slept abit later in the morning. Just do whatever works for you as a couple and ignore anyone who has a problem with it.

where so many posters think a father expressing a preference or wanting to be involved makes them abusive

Absolutely no one has said that. Not one.

Expressing may have worked well for you, but given the problems it can cause to supply, the extra work for the mother, the uncomfortableness of the process, how poorly it even works for some, I am very uncomfortable with it as a ‘solution‘ to accommodate dads. Bfing mothers have enough on their plates, frankly.

I expressed and formula fed DD because of issues with a tongue tie. It was not an easy ride. Yes, I was able to produce milk through expressing but it was painful and mentally and physically draining for me.

My DH supported me in whatever decision I made regarding feeding our daughter. He expressed an opinion that BFing would be his preference because of the benefits for DD but if I hadn’t wanted to, he’d have been fine with that.

There are plenty of aspects of parenting that fathers can and should have a say on. Several they shouldn’t because it’s a woman’s body that goes through it.

To be fair laurie a lot of posts have focused on dp’s supposed abuse of me.

However it’s just as frustrating being urged to express, double my workload, how is that fair!?

IMO dad should have a say in the matter. You can still breastfeed and collect any let down and then he could give a bottle when you have collected enough.

@SummerRoseGardens I mean it's completely up to you what you choose to do OP. that's the whole point - if you want to breastfeed then do that. you dont have to compromise on this because your partner wants you to. hopefully he will soon change his mind when the baby is here and he sees the reality of it all.

The OP DOES NOT WANT to express - there's nothing and no one else to consider here!

Lots of posters have twisted this, assuming that the DH is not putting what's best for baby first etc and suggesting he's controlling, immature and/or sexualising breasts despite the OP herself saying this isn't the case.

Poor bloke made an off the cuff comment about something which lots of first time Dads are probably concerned about and gets absolutely vilified.

@dobbyssoc

IMO dad should have a say in the matter. You can still breastfeed and collect any let down and then he could give a bottle when you have collected enough.

IMO he shouldn't.

@Ginfordinner good for you 🤷🏼‍♀️

I made milk for my children and that is what they were fed with.

When caring for our children as babies, my priorities were not focussed on making their father feel included. If my children had a father who thought we should make decisions about what we feed our children with a primary focus on how he felt, I can't imagine our relationship would have lasted very long.

This thread has been tiresome to read.

My god this thread is absolutely peak MN. Within the first 10 responses people have already turned him into an abusive, selfish prick for a passing remark about wanting to help in the night (the shame).

Most dad's (and mum's) don't know an awful lot about the in's and out's of this subject before they look into it during the pregnancy. This is the time to do that, and it's natural for him to not know much about the advantages of breastfeeding up until now. Just explain what you've learnt to him, I'm sure he'll understand.

I planned to breast feed but she ended up formula fed after about a month as I wasn't producing enough and she was losing too much weight. Any plan on what you're going to do is just a preference, much like the birth plan, in my opinion. It may all change when the baby is here and practicalities kick in, it either works or it doesn't. I will also say that personally I found the concentration involved with trying to get it to work several times in the middle of the night, then spend ten minutes to express a few tiny droplets if it didn't (as advised by the midwives), much more faff than sorting out bottles. Everyone I know with breastfed babies is up several more times in the night than I was with a FF fed baby and I would personally have struggled much more to deal with all of that, especially on my own. So I think your partner does have a point that it's going to be much harder, and it's a positive thing that he WANTS to help in the night (I love my sleep and would do almost anything to get out of that). He's not some monster for saying it. But just explain to him the reasons you'd like to try breastfeeding, the science you've learnt behind why it is better, but you may as well take it one step at a time and just see what happens, you might end up needing to formula feed or express anyway.

OP just do what works for you and your DP, that's all that counts. It's lovely that he wants to be involved. If night feeds/expressing don't work for you they don't, just find something that does work and makes him feel involved. The only thing I would advise against is pushing him right out now but you don't give the impression you will.

Havent RTFT but you can do all night feeding and he can do all night burping and night nappy changing. It will be equal. Trust me you will love going back to sleep as your partner stays up burping the baby. Makes you feel more equal as you sit awake feeding whilst he lies next to you snoring. Sometimes the burping takes as long as the feeding if you have a gassy baby!

@bluebluezoo

I just can’t get on board with posters slating and insulting a dad who is keen to roll up his sleeves and do the hard bits

He isn’t keen to do the hard bits. He wants to do the fuzzy snuggly “bonding” feeding.

If he wanted to do the hard bits he’d be offering to clean the house, change nappies, do bath time, take for walks, make meals, bring drinks...

Feeding is sitting on your arse while someone else does everything. Why do you think so many relatives want to “help” by feeding? Because they’d rather do that while a new mother is forced to make them cups of tea, wash up, sterilise bottles, put a load of washing on...

Feeding the baby is a tiny part of caring for one.

All. Of. This.

@Vehivle

Havent RTFT but you can do all night feeding and he can do all night burping and night nappy changing. It will be equal. Trust me you will love going back to sleep as your partner stays up burping the baby. Makes you feel more equal as you sit awake feeding whilst he lies next to you snoring. Sometimes the burping takes as long as the feeding if you have a gassy baby!

Thats exactly what my dh did. I woke and fed the baby, then woke him and he winded and resettled her and I went straight back to sleep.

If DP said “you will be busy breastfeeding so I will do the nappy changes and the baths and cooking and take the baby for walks” i’d find that pretty smothering, tbh.

@SummerRoseGardens expressing really isn't doubling your workload. I express one bottle in the evening after DS has his bottle from dad and goes to bed. Every other feed he's on the boob.
It's completely your decision how to feed your baby, the same as every mum, but a lot of mum's find expressing extremely helpful as it means other people can feed the baby when you can't. Yes it does mean you'll need to sterilise one bottle a day but it really depends what you'd find more tiresome - for me, having a baby that takes a bottle is definitely worth it!
As I said, not trying to coerce at all as every mum has a different feeding experience but just to give a perspective of when expressing can be successful.

Yanbu.

He needs to look into the ways he can help and support you while you breastfeed, and do the winding / settling after you feed. It’s not all about physically delivering the food.

No he doesn't decide but I personally think without support from your partner breastfeeding will be really challenging. It's hard in the early days and the temptation to quit is strong, if you have a partner pushing for formula its not ideal it you really want to bf.

My partner came from a family who thought bf was disgusting and they all formula fed... He was supportive but there were times he said let's just give him a bottle and that wasn't what I wanted to hear in that moment.

Rainycloudyday Well I haven't offended myself and I'm a survivor of over 100 rapes by a family member growing up and an ex. I take body autonomy extremely seriously. If that is "bonkers" to you you need help.

I personally don’t see that OPs partner is being abusive. Perhaps more misinformed? It would be far more supportive for him to make suggestions on how he can help but ultimately see that it is the OPs decision.

With DH for instance, it was the opposite. He wanted our baby to be BF and he wanted him to be BF for as long as poss (I.e. into toddler hood) but he never ever told me this. Not until I was actually already feeding into toddlerhood. All he did was ask how long I wanted to feed for when I was pregnant. I said 6 months as I thought that was what you did. To his credit, he didn’t say a word at that point.

For us, we did manage to rely on expressing to share the night workload for a few weeks but I had an abundant supply so it worked. I expressed one extra full bottle and then slept from 8pm until 1am. As soon as I woke to swap with DH I would immediately express to have enough for the next night - this meant I got in to a routine of pumping in the night to replace that feed I would have given iyswim. This worked well for us and meant we both had a good few hours of unbroken sleep. We only did this for a few weeks however while I recovered from the birth and at my request, we changed the routine. From then, I did all night feeds while DH slept in the spare room and he would take DS down from 5am to give me a bit of time to sleep. We just found a rhythm that worked for us.

And guess what? He has bonded with DS incredibly well and still to this day does more than his fair share of parenting.