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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 19/07/2020 14:42

Once bf is established, he may well be able to give the odd bottle of expressed milk. It’s long time ago but I think I managed to express the odd bottle by 3 months.
Lots of couples decide the the dad does the winding/ and or bathing and changing.
Don’t bottle feed for somebody else.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 19/07/2020 14:44

He can't really tell you what to do, but he is entitled to ask if he wants to support you. I think it's good that he wants to be involved.

If you want to breast feed and don't want to formula top up could you express a bottle a day as a compromise?

I know that suggestion isn't all that easy (I exclusively express fed but struggled to have more than 24 hours worth of milk in the fridge) but it's an option for him to help with feeds.

CheshireChat · 19/07/2020 14:44

I hardly had enough milk to feed DS no chance I could've expressed (though I tried). Not to mention he'd be making even more work for the OP.

Nah, he can do other things.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:45

But then it would be my choice sailing

Can I just say I’m grateful for the replies but I have said a few times now I don’t think he’s being controlling. The conversation went more like me saying I wanted to breastfeed and him looking a bit crestfallen and saying oh, well I guess the advantage to bottle feeding is I could help in the night? Not exactly Christian grey is it!? But I do want to breastfeed.

OP posts:
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizadork · 19/07/2020 14:46

He does not get to choose. He can bond in many other ways with baby, but breastfeeding is 100% up to you. Expressing is hard work and combination (while it can work) can confuse baby/decrease milk suppy. There are many happy experiences he can have with baby outside of feeding and he only has to wait 6+ months to introduce some solids etc. Breastfeeding is so much more than feeding, it is an essential parenting resource for mums too.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 19/07/2020 14:48

Expressing can be a pain in the arse and my babies were greedy so could hardly express anything. Your partner can help take the baby off you so you can get sleep, change the baby and go out for walks etc. I am surprised he is not supporting breast feeding and in truth a little suspicious of his motives. Has he got a mother who has a nursery ready for your baby for over nights ? Most parents will work together for what's best for the baby so I do find your partners view rather strange

Ginfordinner · 19/07/2020 14:49

I'm with everyone here. The woman has the choice to breast feed or not and it is her decision, and hers alone, to choose the best option for her and the baby.

It has nothing to do with what your husband wants - nothing at all.

And as for the feeding helps with "bonding" excuse, that is such utter bollocks.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 14:49

@SummerRoseGardens

And this is it, I don’t want to be pumping milk like a bloody cow! Grin
Do you get how bloody rude that is to the women who chose to pump? I guess I was just a cow when DS was too ill to feed orally but could take my expressed milk via a tube?

Feed how you want, tell DH of course he gets to help, you do food in and he does food out. But try being less rude and judgemental about other people's choices

megletthesecond · 19/07/2020 14:49

No. It's nothing to do with him. This is between you and the baby.

He can do nappies, winding, soothing and deal with the household. And if you successfully breast feed then if you decide to express he can deal with those bottles.

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 14:50

He’s unbelievable selfish. There are many other ways for him to bond with baby.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:50

I’m lost with the mother and nursery, sorry - ?

OP posts:
Blondephantom · 19/07/2020 14:50

Ultimately, it is your decision but, as the other parent, he should be able to contribute to the decision by expressing his views. It might help to explore why he wants to help with night feeds specifically. Is it because he is worried you will be overtired? You could suggest he brings baby to you and resettles after the feed. Is it that he is worried he won't bond if he doesn't feed the baby? Perhaps you can have a discussion about other ways he can do this or suggest you try to express once feeding is established so he gets to experience feeding the baby too. If you think he feels left out, you can suggest that he can do the winding during the early days and offer to snuggle together as baby is fed.

I am not suggesting that your feeding choice should be based on what he wants. However, you are parenting together and it sounds like he wants to be actively involved. As a team, you can choose what that looks like.

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 14:50

*But then it would be my choice sailing

Can I just say I’m grateful for the replies but I have said a few times now I don’t think he’s being controlling. The conversation went more like me saying I wanted to breastfeed and him looking a bit crestfallen and saying oh, well I guess the advantage to bottle feeding is I could help in the night? Not exactly Christian grey is it!? But I do want to breastfeed.*

Ok, well if that was the end of it then there's no issue. You'll hopefully breastfeed and he can find plenty of other ways to help out. He could google 'how to help my breastfeeding partner'. I'm sure there's lots of tips.

DariaMorgendorffer · 19/07/2020 14:50

Feeding has to be up to mother & works best for her and baby. Her decision entirely imo. You have a whole lifetime of deciding things together, but this is your choice.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:52

sleeping I’m very sorry if I offended you Flowers that wasn’t the intention.

It is just that personally in the middle of everything else new baby I’d prefer not to have to express milk, of course I might have to. But my first choice would just be baby to breast, for health benefits milk wise and just for pure ease for me. I’m so sorry if my words which were just intended to lighten a thread that got a bit heavy caused you any pain.

OP posts:
Itsallthedramamick · 19/07/2020 14:53

You decide how to feed the baby.

@Pineapple1 not everyone can express and as breastfeeding is a huge challenge on the MUM'S body, that decision falls with her. There are plenty of other parenting decisions to share!

TicketToTheWrongFilm · 19/07/2020 14:53

And as for the feeding helps with "bonding" excuse, that is such utter bollocks.

Agreed. I used to feel a bit jealous of exH as he’d get to chat and play with DS while changing him. I didn’t see DS’s face as it was smushed against my chest Grin

LittleCabbage · 19/07/2020 14:53

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

Rubbish. Your body is designed to feed your baby. He doesn't get to override that if you are happy to breastfeed. What if he had decided he didn't want you to carry the baby in your womb?!

The "fourth" trimester (the first three months after birth) is a time when your baby's instinct is to be as close to you as possible, and breastfeeding is part of that. If you cannot or choose not to bf, fine, but no-one can tell you not to.

Expressing is far harder and more time-consuming than direct bfing. I would never choose to do that if direct breastfeeding was going well.

InescapableDeath · 19/07/2020 14:54

Explain to him that combi feeding can damage breastfeeding (not always I know!). Once baby knows they can get milk quicker from a bottle they may not be at all.

Say you want to give bf a go and there’s lots of things he can do.

Calibrachoa · 19/07/2020 14:54

Feeding is the mum's choice

LiquoricePickle · 19/07/2020 14:55

Breast is best (everything else being equal - I do not say this to denigrate anyone elses choice)

If you want to bf and you are able to and baby latches well and your mental and physical health is good then OF COURSE you should bf.

Sunshine1235 · 19/07/2020 14:55

There are plenty of things he can do in the night, nappy changes, walking up and down with the baby, burping etc. Even getting a good nights sleep can be helpful so that he can take over in the morning and give you a decent lie in. I think if his reason is to help you then he needs to listen to what you want and will find most helpful. Plus there will be plenty of night wakings when the baby is older and has a bad dream/needs the toilet/is sick etc so I don’t think he’s going to miss out!

SarahAndQuack · 19/07/2020 14:57

YANBU.

I'm not my daughter's biological mum, my DP is, and honestly, I don't think the whole 'feeding is all about bonding' really held up for me. We ended up combination feeding because DD was quite ill when she was born and it got complicated, so I did plenty of feeds and DP also breastfed, and I wouldn't say it particularly stands out to be as a lovely bonding experience. With a newborn you spend ages cuddling them and holding them anyway - that was nicer.

It's all very personal and you may both feel totally differently when the baby's there, but I think maybe have a word with him and point out you'll really need him to be emotionally behind you for the breastfeeding, just in case it is a bit of a struggle.

He'll bond, it'll be fine.

foamrolling · 19/07/2020 14:57

He can still do plenty. I breastfed all three of mine. We worked out a couple of systems to keep him involved and help me rest. I'd feed them and go to bed for a bit early evening. He'd have the baby downstairs with him in the moses basket and keep them happy for as long as possible. If they needed feeding he'd bring them up and then take them back downstairs again until 12/1am ish then he'd come up to bed and I'd take over.

I managed to express enough for a 'night off' once a week when he'd do all the night feeding.

I'd say if you have a Dad that wants to be involved then feeding will genuinely make very little difference - there's loads more to parenthood than boob or bottle. He'll find his place as an equal parent if he wants to!