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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 20/07/2020 08:35

[quote Rainycloudyday]@LaurieMarlow just making the point that the posters who harp on about selflessly doing what’s best for baby, are quite possibly also the same breastfeeding obsessed posters who discourage the mother of a hungry baby from giving it much needed formula. Probably a bit off topic though, admittedly, so I’ll pipe down now Smile[/quote]
How long did you breastfeed for? As you dont seem to know a lot about how supply works Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 20/07/2020 08:35

are quite possibly also the same breastfeeding obsessed posters who discourage the mother of a hungry baby from giving it much needed formula

I don’t think there any evidence for that at all myself.

PrawnRingonit · 20/07/2020 08:36

There are so many other ways for a dad to bond with his baby other than feeding: put baby in a sling and take it for a walk (while mum sleeps/has a shower) being my number one!

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 20/07/2020 08:37

Some women have issues with breastfeeding I guess.

Look, rainy, I don’t want to prepare bottles. I really CBA. I will have enough to do without washing them and sterilising then and enough to cart around with me without the added paraphernalia associated with bottle feeding.

I also know it’s got health benefits for the baby and for me. I think it’s a shame people make it into something it isn’t.

OP posts:
Ethelfleda · 20/07/2020 08:38

Oh, and we don't need to be falling over in gratitude because this father wants to do some of the work, either

This. It’s the minimum to be expected.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:39

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood I breastfed exclusively for nine months, does that permit me to have an opinion on the matter? I have also happily formula fed.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:41

OP that’s great, I hope breastfeeding works out for you. Not trying to discourage you in any way. I just can’t get on board with posters slating and insulting a dad who is keen to roll up his sleeves and do the hard bits. Yes it’s the minimum that should be expected but a quick skim of the relationships board will tell you that sadly that is very often not the case.

bluebluezoo · 20/07/2020 08:42

FWIW I also think it’s selfish when some women insist on breastfeeding to the detriment of their hungry and dehydrated baby because they want to be able to tell their NCT friends that they’re exclusively breastfeeding. But is that kind of parental selfishness more acceptable to the breastfeeding mafia?

That’s not “parental selfishness”. It’s neglect.

If a baby is dehydrated it’s a medical emergency.

I very much doubt anyone is starving their baby to the point of dehydration intentionally just to show off to their mates.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/07/2020 08:42

Women are socialised to put men first in all sorts of aspects of life. I can't help feeling a few of the posts on here represent an extension of this.

So much this

WaltzForDebbie · 20/07/2020 08:45

I know that combination feeding works for some people but it didn't work for my DS. He wouldn't take the breast once l introduced bottles at 4 months. It was in the days where you had to go back to work at 6-months and I had to do a return to work day. I remember finding it incredibly upsetting on top of not really wanting to go back to work.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 20/07/2020 08:46

No and I’ve tried to make it clear I don’t think there was any sinister intention behind his words, but this is MN. The NCT comment pissed me off, though.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 20/07/2020 08:48

Simple answer is no. He doesn't get to dictate how you feed the baby. If you want to breast feed and can, then his feelings of being left out- sorry, are a bit pathetic. There is plenty of involvement he can have, and trying to enforce what he wants because he feels left out........it was my first indication my now ex husband was a controlling twat. What he wants was more important than feeding the baby......

bluebluezoo · 20/07/2020 08:48

I just can’t get on board with posters slating and insulting a dad who is keen to roll up his sleeves and do the hard bits

He isn’t keen to do the hard bits. He wants to do the fuzzy snuggly “bonding” feeding.

If he wanted to do the hard bits he’d be offering to clean the house, change nappies, do bath time, take for walks, make meals, bring drinks...

Feeding is sitting on your arse while someone else does everything. Why do you think so many relatives want to “help” by feeding? Because they’d rather do that while a new mother is forced to make them cups of tea, wash up, sterilise bottles, put a load of washing on...

Feeding the baby is a tiny part of caring for one.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 20/07/2020 08:49

please can we not bash a man who actually wants to take on some of the drudgery and hard work of parenting his baby Please can we stop normalising telling women what to do or not do with their bodies. It reinforces rape culture.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:49

As I clarified OP, that wasn’t in any way directed at you. I’ve already apologised if I gave that impression.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:51

@WaterOffADucksCrack

please can we not bash a man who actually wants to take on some of the drudgery and hard work of parenting his baby Please can we stop normalising telling women what to do or not do with their bodies. It reinforces rape culture.
And this is where sanity is finally left behind and I’ll happily bow out of this thread. Some of you are actually bonkers.

Oh and your remark is earth shatteringly, painfully insulting to survivors of rape. My jaw is on the floor at this one.

Daftodil · 20/07/2020 08:53

I'd tell him you appreciate his concern but you want to try breastfeeding in the first instance. If you struggle with breastfeeding you can always reassess the situation. There are plenty of other ways he can bond with the baby (cuddles, singing, stories, burping, changing etc) and plenty of ways he can support you (shopping, cooking, cleaning, making a cuppa, rubbing your feet/running a bath/taking baby out for an hour so you can get some sleep). Only you will know what help/support/tasks you would want him to focus on, but bottle feeding is not a good way to provide support if you have clearly already told him you don't want to do that.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 20/07/2020 08:57

Yeah blue ... you do realise the child is still inside me, yes? Hmm

OP posts:
strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 08:59

@Rainycloudyday so your backing point for your argument is to accuse people like myself and others who dont think a mother who wants to breastfeed should be put off by the partner for whatever reason, also tell breastfeeding mums not to feed their babies a bottle when they are clearly hungry and dehydrated. oh and that our clear motive for this is to be able to brag about it to all our NCT buddies. that's the jump you've made is it? I think your contributions here are probably done arent they

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 09:00

@Rainycloudyday the irony of you talking about sanity when you've basically accused anyone who has said anything against the father of also being part of a mob who encourage dehydrated and hungry infants. take your jaw elsewhere hun

bluebluezoo · 20/07/2020 09:10

How does anyone know a baby is “clearly hungry and dehydrated” on an internet forum?

I’ve never seen anyone say to keep bf to the detriment of a baby’s health. Those threads generally are formula feeders saying give a bottle, and bf with suggestions to help with bf.

I always, always say that if a baby is “clearly starving and dehydrated”, it needs medical attention. Even if it is a bf issue, there are many other medical issues where the problem would still exist even with formula.

Problems with feeding should always get rl advice, where the baby can be seen and assessed for dehydration.

Merrz · 20/07/2020 09:11

I haven't read all comments but from your OP i would put your foot down with this one. If you're keen to breastfeed definitely go with it, i enjoyed breastfeeding, luckily it came very naturally to myself and dd which i know it's not that easy for everyone but it saves so much time and faff with bottles/mixing formula etc. During the night you can literally just pick baby up and feed it. If you're going out you don't need to think about taking bottles or anything with you. It has health benefits for you and baby. I do understand your husbands point that it puts him out the picture a little and on the downside, it did make dd very clingy to me but give dad another job that helps him bond with baby, maybe make bath time dads job or after you feed baby dad puts baby to bed, so he still feels important. If it's going to be a real issue you could always agree to breastfeed for the first 6 weeks say then think about changing to formula.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 09:17

@strawberrypip Ah a ‘hun’...just what this thread was missing Grin You might want to work on your reading comprehension skills by the way.

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 09:20

@Rainycloudyday

just making the point that the posters who harp on about selflessly doing what’s best for baby, are quite possibly also the same breastfeeding obsessed posters who discourage the mother of a hungry baby from giving it much needed formula

a direct quote from you

Malbecblooms · 20/07/2020 10:21

Absolutely dad should get a say, however, he's being selfish and making a decision about what's best for him not his baby.