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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Calibrachoa · 19/07/2020 14:58

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum
Yes anyone who wants to bf exclusively should definitely become a single mum. Great suggestion. Maybe you could write a book on babycare tips. Hmm

SarahAndQuack · 19/07/2020 14:58

Ooh, and - if he doesn't end up feeding the baby, he might find the baby goes to him for snuggles when she's sleepy. Sometimes if they smell milk when they're sleepy they get confused and a bit cross!

morriseysquif · 19/07/2020 14:58

He can help in other ways, Eg you wake him up after you've fed the baby and get the baby to settle!
Great for settling baby into a routine as they s for the mil off you and it can be hard.
Or nighttime nappy, he can do those.

Dozer · 19/07/2020 14:59

Saying stuff like this is often a bad sign IME!

There’s loads of parenting he can do without feeding. Including at night. Unless you’d like to express or use formula for other reasons, wouldn’t prioritise his preferences.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 15:00

Thank you.

And fwiw, I wouldn't pump and bf if you can help it, and certainly not until bf is well established. It is a ton of faff and he can get his cuddles doing nappies.

And its quite shirty of people to assume he's after joint custody or dumping the baby on his Mom just cos he imagined himself feeding baby.

Destroyedpeople · 19/07/2020 15:00

There's plenty of other things he can do though.
Why the focus on this?
Anyway it's odd not wanting your child to get the best start just because you want to give them a bottle.
I wonder if the real reason is something else.

morriseysquif · 19/07/2020 15:00

Smell the milk off you, nothing to do with your Mil! 😬😬😬

foamrolling · 19/07/2020 15:00

I do think breastfeeding or not should be up to the mum though.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 15:00

Thanks. I do feel for him a bit because he hasn’t been able to attend scans or anything and so I do think it’s wanting to be involved. I understand that which is why I wanted to check on here.

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 19/07/2020 15:00

My DH would have loved to feed DS but was fully supportive of me breastfeeding. I can express quite easily but DS will not take a bottle so he was disappointed but he has bonded in so many other ways. They have plenty of time for just them and now at 9 months DSs first words on waking are Dada, Dada 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 15:02

First baby destroyed, I just think he doesn’t KNOW. But what I don’t want are any silly arguments because he doesn’t know, it’s easy to think expressing is just really easy or that formula is just the same as breast if you haven’t been around babies much.

OP posts:
ramamamadingdong · 19/07/2020 15:02

I've found that night feeds are so much more than the feeding, and it's the rest of it - especially if you have a baby who takes a long time to settle again - that's exhausting. If he brings you the baby to feed and then takes them away for the rest of it - nappy, burping, cuddling etc - so you can get back to sleep, that would be a huge help, in my experience.

verypeckish · 19/07/2020 15:02

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

They both might be the child's parents, but only one of them can breastfeed. Would you be happy if a woman wanted to bottle feed the baby and her partner demanded she breastfeed instead? No.

Nobody has a right to insist that someone does or does not do something with their own body.

lostguider · 19/07/2020 15:03

I think that you should both be able to sit down and discuss this together and respect what both of you want to do. If you are both reasonable then there is no reason that you cannot come up with a solution that works for both of you. For example you can acknowledge that he wants to be involved and help and suggest that you start off by trying to breastfeed (it may not be possible and then this is a mute point) You could then suggest as pp have, that he winds/changes baby while you settle down. It would also help, if you decide to bottle/express feed at a later date that you can feel comfortable with him doing it. As time goes on this also will help with being able to take some time for yourself.
In a nutshell you both need to sit and talk it through.

Mumoblue · 19/07/2020 15:03

If it's not a control thing then he'll accept that you want to BF and that is that.
He might feel a bit sad but feeding is not the only way to help.

firstimemamma · 19/07/2020 15:03

The decision is yours op. Breastfeeding has many benefits.

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 15:03

Thanks ramana, he can do that Grin

OP posts:
Spinakker · 19/07/2020 15:05

I think all you can do is keep reiterating that science says this is the best for the baby especially for the first 6 months and that's what you want. After that it's not really fair if he continues to ignore your wishes.

MadameMeursault · 19/07/2020 15:05

@Pineapple1

You are parents. You are Both the child's parents. You Thefore have an equal say in what happens.

If he wants to help feeding then you need to express milk for him to feed the baby with. If you don't want to do that then formula can be used.

Unless you fancy telling him he can't feed the baby at all... In that case you may as well replace him with a fridge and be a single mum.

This is so wrong. It’s not about what is right for precious DH, it should be about what’s right for the baby. OP shouldn’t have to express just so the poor darling can play daddy. There’s loads of other ways he can participate, winding, changing nappies, holding the baby, bathing the baby, etc. But unless he grows a pair of tits he should leave the feeding to OP.
vikingwife · 19/07/2020 15:06

Is this an English thing? Or my social circles? I have never heard of having to decide prior to birth whether you will breast or bottle feed - unless there were issues with milk supply etc, would assume the baby is being breastfed.

Why would the husband even look crestfallen and be disappointed at the thought his baby was going to be breastfed? I would have thought men would assume that is how a baby gets fed. That’s what tits are for mate!

Is this a cultural thing? I was once in England & saw a toddler drinking cola in a bottle so.... is this culture of “choosing” not to breastfeed your baby English or a social class thing?

ohthegoats · 19/07/2020 15:08

Pump and bottle it. Your boobs will get into a schedule, and hopefully won't just fill up and leak overnight without a night feed.

I fed my child exclusively for 5 months until we started weaning, after which her dad finally started getting involved in the odd night feed with formula. I would have bloody loved it if he'd volunteered.

Take all the sleep you can get.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2020 15:08

It's your choice to breastfeed.
I'm glad you apologised for your "cow" statement, as it is rather rude to people who have needed to express for whatever reason.

I breastfed both mine but had bottles and a pump for the times when it wasn't possible - when they were in surgery, for e.g. and I needed to "offload" the milk before things got too painful. When my nipples were crucified by the tongue-tied baby sucking and I needed a rest from them. When they were sick and couldn't manage it.

You should probably have a pump on standby for times like that.

In early days, I also had to attend hospital appointments without DS1, so he was given cooled boiled water in a bottle to tide him over until I could get back to him. Again, obviously, your choice but you could offer that to DH as an option, if he's so keen to get involved with everything - it's not a substitute for a feed, but it can help if they're only thirsty.

SarahAndQuack · 19/07/2020 15:10

Yes, we weaned straight onto Pepsi, it's part of our heritage.

pigsDOfly · 19/07/2020 15:10

Your body is designed so it can breastfeed. So why, if you want to and can successfully bf would you bother making formula or pump milk for him to feed.

Pumping isn't always easy or comfortable for many women, why would he be so selfish as to expect you to do it for his wants.

This is not about him, it's about what's best for your baby and, without dismissing him, what's best for you in the very early days. You carried the baby, your body will nourish the baby and you should be the one to do it in the best and most comfortable way for you and the baby.

Imo he's being incredibly selfish wanting you to accommodate him in this way.

There are so many other things he can do to bond with the baby.

motherf88 · 19/07/2020 15:10

He can help at night even if you do breastfeed! I'd sometimes feed then hand DS over to DH to settle back to sleep/change nappy etc.