To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

[SummerRoseGardens]

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

@FattyBoom There’s no reason at all it should be “all or nothing”, with the mother doing all the night changes and winding just because she’s also doing feeds. Have you ebf? If so you’ll remember sometimes that all you want to do after a half hour feed is drop back to bed, to grab an hour or two sleep before the next one. It’s bliss to be able to hand baby over to loving dad to do the half hour of burping, changing and settling back down. Teamwork. Mum gets to breastfeed and a bit more rest, crucial for good supply. Doesn’t have to be every time.

A father should want what’s best for their child. Breastmilk is best for your baby and him wanting to feed her shouldn’t come before that. As mentioned numerous times in this thread he will be able to help in many other ways. I’m sure he will understand this after a discussion with you. Honestly he just sounds a bit clueless about it all.

I'd like to offer a different perspective.
I, like you, wanted to BF. Husband was fully supportive. I expected it to be hard but I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of issues and the awfulness of it all - long story, but basically we had to go on to formula eventually. My body made the choice for me really. People who say "all you have to do is stick the baby on the boob" are those who have been successful with breastfeeding. But many are not, and for us it's not as simple as that.
Formula has been a godsend (my baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for it) and it's not a faff at all. We make up a batch of 3 bottles, stick them in the fridge and then get one out when needed (yes I know you're meant to make them as you go along but it's completely impractical when feeding on demand and as long as they're made and stored correctly the risks are minimal).
Washing the bottles takes 2 minutes. DH and I have a much more equal parenting experience compared to when I was BF. We split the night/early morning feeds so that we have a good chunk of sleep each and are well rested - no sleep deprivation here. DH loves feeding the baby and it is a good bonding experience for them (however, he never insisted on this, I made all the feeding decisions).
I'm not saying you have to do what I'm doing, I guess what I'm trying to say is wait until the baby is here before making up your mind because things don't always go to plan... and if you have your heart set on one thing it can be heartbreaking if it doesn't work out.
If you want to BF and it works out for you then absolutely do that, and your DH should support you. But, keep an open mind. There are other options. Good luck!

@Pumperthepumper

Birthing is a woman’s choice because the baby is still in the body and in the process of leaving it. Birth is about the mother, not the baby.

But even though that same baby needs that same body to nourish it in the best possible way that doesn’t count because of the father’s ego? Come on, you must see this is bullshit.

My opinion on birthing is really irrelevant because we’re not discussing birthing, we’re discussing feeding. They’re two different subjects.

It’s nothing to do with ego, and what I find bullshit is that anyone thinks mother should trump father just because she gave birth. Parents are equal, they get equal say in how their baby is raised and that includes feeding. Neither trumps the other.

Once baby is out of the mother, it’s all about the baby, and both parents get equal say.

Only just left the mother’s body! Jeez. The dad doesn’t get to swoop in and start dictating the moment the baby is out.
Part of giving birth is choosing how you want to feed the baby. It’s all the part of the same experience. The mum and baby trump the dad on this one.

@heartsonacake what a load of rubbish. What if mum doesn't want to bf but dad wants her to then? It is the mother that makes the sacrifices through bf. They make the decision. There are many other decisions to be made over a child's life that can be shared. Birthing and feeding are not one of those.

@funinthesun19

Once baby is out of the mother, it’s all about the baby, and both parents get equal say.

Only just left the mother’s body! Jeez. The dad doesn’t get to swoop in and start dictating the moment the baby is out.
Part of giving birth is choosing how you want to feed the baby. It’s all the part of the same experience. The mum and baby trump the dad on this one.

Nobody should be dictating anything, mother or father. And no parent trumps the other.

If you can’t be in a equal relationship and have to try to trump or dictate to the other you shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place.

@heartsonacake you may not think mothers should trump fathers but baby certainly should. breast milk is the best thing for baby if mother wants to and can do so. how distasteful to suggest it should even be up for debate or compromise.

I’m not going to continue to repeat myself to a myriad of posters. My opinion is simple: no dictating, no trumping. Just equal parents making equal decisions and compromising where necessary.

Can’t do that? You’re not mature enough to have had a baby.

No, he doesn’t get a say. Overriding your partner’s wishes and what’s best for your baby in order to satisfy your own wants is not equal parenting.

Also, as respond @CautiousVisitor has already said, Breastfeeding - at least in the early weeks - is not usually as simple as ‘doing a night feed’ or ‘having a turn feeding the baby’. Breasts aren’t taps that can be turned off and on, establishing breastfeeding can be incredibly hard work, and offering a bottle early on may (may - not will!) jeopardise successful breastfeeding going forward. So I think the suggestion of educating him early on about breastfeeding and how it works is a good idea.

hun, you keep getting your comments picked apart because they are ridiculous. baby trumps father. breast milk is best for baby when possible. end of.

Hearts is a goady fucker 😂

Don’t know where the ‘respond’ came from, sorry!

@heartsonacake

I’m not going to continue to repeat myself to a myriad of posters. My opinion is simple: no dictating, no trumping. Just equal parents making equal decisions and compromising where necessary.

Can’t do that? You’re not mature enough to have had a baby.

Equal parenting doesn’t mean ‘exactly the same’ though does it?

I’m sad for you that this is how you feel. You really don’t have to centre men’s feelings to the detriment of your children. That’s not equality, it’s oppression.

Nobody should be dictating anything, mother or father. And no parent trumps the other.

Erm, if a woman has just given birth and her instinct is to breastfeed her baby and carry on doing so, she is well within her rights to! That’s not dictating.

The dad telling her not to because he doesn’t want her to, is dictating.

If you can’t be in a equal relationship and have to try to trump or dictate to the other you shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place.

Plenty of other ways for parents to be equal and enjoy an equal relationship. This isn’t the time to prove it. It’s about what’s best for the mum and baby.

Your post has made me really sad OP. He sounds a dominating arse to be even having an opinion on this.

Especially an opinion that involves not feeding your baby in the best way possible.

Op you really can't plan these things (as a PP has said) you really don't know until your baby is here how feeding is going to pan out,
Of course you want to breastfeed. it is the best start for your baby, and its great when it goes brilliantly.
I have 4 ds's and they have all been breastfeed to a greater or lesser degree.DS1 was a dream baby, DS2 was a little and (very) often and preferred (eventually) to have a bottle of formula to breast milk.
The DT's were both breast and bottle fed, I had to do what was easiest for me.
What I'm trying to say don't make any hard and fast decisions, you really don't know how things are going to pan out. I would say to your H that you would like to breastfeed because etc, etc, etc, but you are just going to see how it goes and you can't make any hard and fast decisions now.
Another thing, if for any reason you can't breastfeed don't beat yourself up, your baby being nourished is the most important thing here.
Good luck !

Amazed how many people think it’s perfectly OK to ignore the fathers wishes to bond with their baby via feeding and that it should completely be the domain of the mother . People have suggested compromises to include the father but OP does not want to even consider them. Parenting is (ideally) a joint choice. It may explain why there is many threads complaining at lack of support in later years. I would be thrilled that he is so keen to make this bond and take some of the strain

@RoseTintedAtuin almost as amazed as I am that some people think what the father wants outweighs what is best for baby. get a grip - I exclusively breastfeed and her father has a wonderful bond with her. he does bath time, nappy changes, does bedtime routine and plays with her to establish that relationship. they couldnt love each other more.

@RoseTintedAtuin, there are many many other ways that the father can bond with the baby other than feeding.

People have suggested compromises to include the father but OP does not want to even consider them.

Those compromises are all either worse for the baby or worse for the mother, so why should they even be contemplated?

Exclusive bfing is the biological norm. Why deviate from the biological norm without good reason? Fathers wanting to feed when they can do plenty of other stuff is very far from being a serious enough consideration. Only the male ego (or those committed to protecting it) would even suggest it.

@PenelopePitstop49 have you actually read the op's posts? She literally says that he meant it kindly in a trying to help way and definitely not dominating.

It may explain why there is many threads complaining at lack of support in later years.

Yes that’s right. Men bugger off and don’t pay a cent because breastfeeding.

What a convenient excuse you’ve found for them.

Amazed how many people think it’s perfectly OK to ignore the fathers wishes to bond with their baby via feeding

Feeding is not the only way to bond with a baby.

If he really wants to be included he can do nappies, baths, cuddles, playtime.

Feeding is not essential. And when he puts his desire to feed over the benefits to the baby of bf, then his reasons are selfish.

I hated feeding. Don’t get why there’s all this fuss as if it’s the only way you can build a relationship.

@RoseTintedAtuin

Amazed how many people think it’s perfectly OK to ignore the fathers wishes to bond with their baby via feeding and that it should completely be the domain of the mother . People have suggested compromises to include the father but OP does not want to even consider them. Parenting is (ideally) a joint choice. It may explain why there is many threads complaining at lack of support in later years. I would be thrilled that he is so keen to make this bond and take some of the strain

You must know a lot of spiteful men, like the poster upthread. ‘I didn’t get what I wanted once, so I will make sure she suffers, and the kid too’.