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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 19/07/2020 21:47

Your p should have researched bfing and how good it is for the baby. He should be thinking of his dc, not him...

There are plenty other things he can do to bond with baby!!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2020 21:49

This one is a hard one. I will get flamed for saying it, but given breastfeeding is proven to be the best option for your baby (human baby....human milk....) I struggle with anyone being pressured not to bf.

However if a father wanted his baby to have breastmilk and the mother didn't want to, this would make me feel really sad, although I dont think it would be right for the father to pressure the mother at all about it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/07/2020 21:49

Any man who cannot put his newborn's needs first and his partner's second is a shit dad. That's it.

Ginfordinner · 19/07/2020 21:55

"Amazed how many people think it’s perfectly OK to ignore the fathers wishes to bond with their baby via feeding"

What a ridiculous statement Hmm

Of course it's OK for a mother to insist on breastfeeding her baby, and yes, it is the domain of the mother to decide how her baby is fed. Don't make such fatuous remarks

Feeding a baby shouldn't be regarded as the only means of bonding with a baby. It is simply a means of getting nourishment into it.

There are loads of ways to bond with a baby.

Soontobe60 · 19/07/2020 21:56

@heartsonacake

I’m not going to continue to repeat myself to a myriad of posters. My opinion is simple: no dictating, no trumping. Just equal parents making equal decisions and compromising where necessary.

Can’t do that? You’re not mature enough to have had a baby.

You're a joke! It’s nothing to do with ego, and what I find bullshit is that anyone thinks mother should trump father just because she gave birth. Parents are equal, they get equal say in how their baby is raised and that includes feeding. Neither trumps the other.

Breastfeeding is not about a mother trumping a father. It's about giving the baby the best possible start in life when possible. Breastfeeding should trump bottlefeeding. Full stop. We're not talking about a mum who wants to feed a baby chicken nuggets whilst the father wants it to have tofu.

Hippocampe · 19/07/2020 21:56

Ummmm no! Not at all. After growing the baby inside your body for 9 months, it's is entirely 100% your decision on how you feed them! If he wants to help at night getting up to pass you the baby, adjusting your pillows, getting you drinks, and changing nappies would be far more beneficial. Even if he was willing to make, sterilise, and feed every damn bottle for th next 12 months, it still wouldn't be his choice, and would still 100% be better for you and baby to breastfeed if possible. I hate the argument that "the dad needs to help with feeds to bond"... Absolute rubbish, both my babies were breastfed on demand until they self weaned as toddlers, and are both completely daddy mad. He's spent so much time and effort bonding with them in other ways, and that's what matters, not that first 6 months where naturally baby will want you anyway, and you want to breastfeed. Once the baby is taking solids, can interact etc, that's his time to shine and work to create a bond with his child, not by depriving them of the best start in life.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 21:59

Can we be actually serious for a second?

How can the mother not trump the father when it comes to feeding? She has the means to feed the baby as nature intended and he ... doesn’t.

Ginfordinner · 19/07/2020 22:04

Exactly LaurieMarlow

NotFrozen · 19/07/2020 22:05

OP, breastfeeding your baby is the best thong for the baby, and it’s really good for you too. There are tons of things the father can do and I think it’s really selfish and unfair of him to make you question this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2020 22:06

He wants to share night feeds now, give a week into 4 hours sleep and he'll soon get over it.

Wake him every single time the baby does and dont let him sleep until you can, and I guarantee that the will be over the "shared feeding" thing within a week. And I say this as a woman who couldnt BF so had no choice but to use FF!

puzzledpiece · 19/07/2020 22:08

You could always pump although it's I bit of a faff

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 22:08

A few years ago this thread would have been 100% in support of OP because it was primarily a parenting site populated by mainly women.

This have changed so much and you really don’t know the demographic of who is behind the user name anymore.

I know on this thread there is a poster with no children who opposes OP and I’m pretty sure a couple of men too.

So with that I’m off as you can’t discuss/debate something with people who have zero experience of it. It’s like trying to explain what the colour pink is to a blind person.

OP you breast feed that baby exclusively if you want to.

hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 22:09

No breasts no say

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 22:17

@puzzledpiece

You could always pump although it's I bit of a faff
and a waste of money on a decent pump, bottles, steraliser etc when after a few weeks he'll be too tired with work to help and op will spend all her time decanting milk from her breasts into a bottle to feed the baby herself!
UsernameNotValid · 19/07/2020 22:18

I must admit whilst I am fully in support of those saying it's the OP's decision to breastfeed, I am a bit confused by the argument that he is clearly being selfish because the breast milk is the absolute best thing for baby which should trump either of their wants.

If we turn that on its head how would we respond to a woman who didn't want to breastfeed whilst the Dad wanted the child to have breast milk?

Surely then by that logic the woman is the selfish one but she can't (and shouldn't) be forced to breastfeed and either way the bloke has no way despite having the child's best interests at the forefront...

Basically, what I'm saying is there could be many reasons he has said - quite casually and not forcefully at all according the OP - that he would like to share night feeds thinking he was being helpful. Not everyone knows this stuff, we certainly didn't!

namechangetheworld · 19/07/2020 22:19

Not sure if I've missed something but can't you express a little breastmilk so he can feel a little more involved? Even if he just does a couple of nightfeeds a week? Then it's a positive for you too.

He doesn't sound controlling or demanding in the slightest (from what you've posted here anyway) so some of these replies are bordering on hysteria for absolutely no reason.

Colom · 19/07/2020 22:19

Ya it's literally nothing to do with him. He'll be thrilled to get sleep anyway and won't be long changing his tune when the baby comes! Plenty of other ways to help you but if he's a decent chap he's missing the point that what's best for the baby should be his priority. He should be doing nothing but encouraging you to breastfeed.

Monkeynuts18 · 19/07/2020 22:22

Yeah @PyongyangKipperbang has it.

I’d be prepared to bet a substantial sum of money that this turns out to be a non-issue!

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 22:23

Not sure if I've missed something but can't you express a little breastmilk so he can feel a little more involved?

But why should she do that if she doesn’t want to? Pumping isn’t pleasant in many people’s experience. They are her breasts - she’s the one who can feed - why does he get to call the shots?

strawberrypip · 19/07/2020 22:25

@UsernameNotValid except men cant breast feed - women can. a woman's choice to breastfeed is up to them because it's their body and their commitment. most of us have also said if the woman wants to and/or can then the father should not dissuade this as it is the best thing for babies. most mums who choose not to breastfeed make no secret of the fact they know breast milk is best for baby. still their breats and their choice.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2020 22:27

can't you express a little breastmilk

Lots of people really struggle with expressing. They simply don't let down for a pump. It can also interfere with your supply, because, shock horror, nothing drains the best as well as the baby feeding from it. I say that as someone who has managed to pump exclusively for 6m - it takes skill, knowledge,patience and a huge amount of perseverance.

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 22:27

If we turn that on its head how would we respond to a woman who didn't want to breastfeed whilst the Dad wanted the child to have breast milk?

Given the damage childbirth does to a woman’s body, let alone the all the other stuff the woman endures (morning sickness, the pain of childbirth, etc) and also the fact that 85% of single parents in the UK are women), I believe the woman has the right to choose whether or not she breastfeeds.

bluebluezoo · 19/07/2020 22:29

Not sure if I've missed something but can't you express a little breastmilk so he can feel a little more involved? Even if he just does a couple of nightfeeds a week? Then it's a positive for you too

Why should she? Not everyone can pump, and it’s a pita.

Replacing nightfeeds can suppress supply as they are vital for maintaining supply.

He can feel a lot more involved by nappy changing, cuddling, bathing, playing- feeding is a small part of “being involved”

Onceuponatimethen · 19/07/2020 22:31

Op my dh was very supportive of bf but felt a little unsure what his role would be. We did a tag team thing in the early days when I was exhausted where he would get up, pass baby from cot to me, wind baby after bf (mine was very windy even though end) and then do baby’s nappy and resettle baby, walking around and rocking if baby needed calming after the nappy. It really really helped me.

We also did a thing where every evening when dd was quite unsettled I would go to sleep after dd had a feed around 9pm and then he would look after dd downstairs until around 11 pm, which gave me two hours to sleep before the baby night shift!

Soooo many ways dad can bond with baby without feeding.

Onceuponatimethen · 19/07/2020 22:32

Ebf not end