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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Time2change2 · 20/07/2020 01:05

No he doesn’t get to decide! Breast milk is proven best for the baby and for you! It has positive effects on both baby and mum. Topping up with formula is a sure fire way to ruin breast feeding (trust me, I have done it twice - not through choice!) Very selfish that he wants to deny his baby the best possibly start so for his own needs!? Plenty of other things he can be involved in- breastfeeding is not one of them!

LunaLula83 · 20/07/2020 01:07

Put your big girl pants on and tell him to eff off. You shouldnt even need to post this.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 20/07/2020 01:08

Bet you a tenner that he doesn't want you to breastfeed because he sees your breasts as sexual and it will make him uncomfortable/put him off

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 01:10

Your other half has been piled on here! I think it may be how you worded this OP. All I have to say is when I was up doing night feeds with my DS... you should of sent him my way.

mathanxiety · 20/07/2020 01:11

You’re both her parents, you both get an equal say. He doesn’t get to demand but neither do you. You need to talk and come to a compromise.

This is ridiculous.

She is doing all the pregnancy and the childbirth and her body is designed to feed the baby.

He gets to use his body, which is not recovering from childbirth, to do all the household stuff and give the recovering mother a rest.

He doesn't get an equal say. Her body was designed to do this. It provides the ideal food for the baby. She doesn't have to compromise. He needs to behave like a grown up here, prepare to shoulder his fair share of hard work while she is recovering from hers, and start educating himself about the feeding of babies. The baby isn't a toy they get turns with.

mathanxiety · 20/07/2020 01:14

When men start lactating, that’s when we can talk about joint decisions regarding breastfeeding.

THIS ^^

mathanxiety · 20/07/2020 01:16

He can't edge you out of it any more than he can insist you do it, or persevere regardless of mastitis, cracked nipples or exhaustion.

crazycatlady7 · 20/07/2020 02:50

I haven't read all, however agree with the comments it's your choice. DH and I talked about this and looked into both and decided BF was the best for our child. He felt left out but he is amazing and their bond is fantastic. We had so many BF hurdles and he attended every appointment with me. We joke he could teach women how to BF now. He sat with me, encouraged me. Winded, cuddled baby in early days. He's always done bath and story with baby and it's their special time each day. He gets up in the night to take over when baby is fed and unsettled. There's so much more to parenting than feeding.

Durgasarrow · 20/07/2020 05:22

You can breastfeed and still give the baby a bottle here and there, either of formula or of expressed milk. Some people are purists, but I was a working mother and for me, it was absolutely fine for my baby-sitter or my husband to give my baby a bottle of formula when I was away. My baby and my body adjusted. This could happen at night as well.

Pleasenodont · 20/07/2020 06:31

It’s obviously your choice how you feed your baby. You’re choosing to utilise something Mother Nature created within you to feed your infant rather than buying powdered cows milk, makes total sense to me. Tell him where to go, he can change nappies and probably enjoy sleeping through as well!

Jeremyironsnothing · 20/07/2020 06:36

Tell him it's not about what you or he wants, it's what is best for dd.

Say "I'd love to pass the baby over for you to feed. It would be much easier for me, but it's better for the baby for me to feed her"

If he has a problem with that, then it's him who is the problem.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/07/2020 06:44

I don't get how the concept of "equal parents" is useful at this stage in a child's life. It demonstrates a complete lack of respect for women giving birth and new mothers. The parents don't experience childbirth and the early baby stage equally and men need to accept that.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 20/07/2020 06:54

I had a hard time breastfeeding my first. It completely broke down and we had to take a break until I could get a breastfeeding consultant. DH took over feeding because I was just a flood of tears every time I had to give a bottle.

Breastfeeding got back on track but DH kept a late evening bottle and stayed up until 12am meaning I could get some solid sleep from 9pm-12. From 12 I was up almost every 45 minutes to feed so a block of sleep saved my sanity. DH would then take the baby for an hour again in the morning.

We went almost straight into this routine with our second. I've found an evening bottle gave me a break between the cluster feeding and the feeding to sleep. This is a screenshot of an average night at a month old - I was up a lot!

There are obviously a ton of things he can do to both bond with the baby and support you and feeding doesn't need to be one of them but don't write off formula in case of emergencies - including your mental health.

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 20/07/2020 06:56

Do not compromise on the early weeks, at least 6, of breastfeeding. The best thing for everyone is making sure you keep up your milk supply. No bottles.

At that point, you might want to consider adding a bottle for him to do the night feed, although i wouldnt recommend as that feed is good for milk production. But id only consider that if he was planning on doing EVERY NIGHT FEED until they stopped having a night feeds.

I bf both my children until they were two. Dh did almost all baths for Bonding time. Since they stopped bfing, dh has made the majority of their meals as i just really dislike the mental load of dealing with meals. So I fed them for their first 6 months but dh has fed them for the following ten years. He is even the one to sort dinner money Grin

The other thing is i couldn't have managed the early weeks of bfing without my dh’s support.

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 07:09

@Poppinjay

Why would he think that his desire to do night feeds trumps what is best for his baby daughter?

Decent parents put their children's needs above their own wishes. Is he selfish in other ways?

FFS what a ridiculous comment. The amount of people on here who would eat their right arm to have a husband who so wants to support his wife and new baby by relieving some of the burden and being able to do night wakings.

I have ff one baby and bf another and while it wasn’t the reason for either decision and he didn’t say much about it, I know for a fact my husband much preferred when we FF because he could be so much more hands on with the baby and give me so much more relief from the slew deprivation. Whatever anyone says about the dad being able to do other things, a bf baby can often only settle for the mum so the burden is much more than just the act of feeding. Which is fine if that’s what the mum chooses to do but please can we not bash a man who actually wants to take on some of the drudgery and hard work of parenting his baby Hmm

He hasn’t tried to force the OP but is he not allowed to even express an opinion?

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 07:25

@Rainycloudyday when it comes to what the mother decides to do with her breasts, no he doesn't get an opinion.

on everything else yes. there are so many other ways you can help. I say fairplay to the OP for wanting to breastfeed. if your first point is true then many on here have picked shit candidates for their partners - most dads should want to support their partners and babies whether they breastfeed or not

Fullyhuman · 20/07/2020 08:01

It’s your choice, and for the first while don’t even try to express or add in formula unless you are sure you want to, in case it compromises bf for you (it’s often fine but for some women/babies it isn’t).

Bf is lovely. It can feel like a superpower. I can understand why men can feel excluded/jealous. Just as with pregnancy, this is for you to decide and it’s not shareable.

(I had a hard time establishing bf and then once I had it was so worth it I went to natural term with my children. They are older now and very close to their dad, and I love him for supporting me in my choice to do what I thought was best for our children.)

Enjoy your baby Smile

CatteStreet · 20/07/2020 08:25

I bf three children for 3-4 years each. The younger two never had a bottle. The eldest did for theee or four weeks at the beginning as we had a tricky start.

Dh would sit with them sleeping on his chest so I could get a little bit of unbroken sleep. He did nappies, he dressed and bathed them, he played with them, he took them for walks in the sling. Feeding is by no means necessary for a father-child bond. But introducing formula/bottles, when you don't want to, for him, could make your breastfeeding a lot more difficult than it needs to be and even, potentially, lead to it ending sooner than you want it to.

Women are socialised to put men first in all sorts of aspects of life. I can't help feeling a few of the posts on here represent an extension of this.

CatteStreet · 20/07/2020 08:26

Oh, and we don't need to be falling over in gratitude because this father wants to do some of the work, either Hmm

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:26

if your first point is true then many on here have picked shit candidates for their partners

I take it you haven’t read much of the relationships board!

Yes of course it’s ultimately up to the woman if she wants to breastfeed but in any normal functioning relationship the parents discuss these things and share their respective opinions. I can’t find it in me to get angry about a man who expresses the opinion that he’d love to be able to do night feeds. Doesn’t mean he’s trying to stop the partner breastfeeding or being a controlling dickhead. The attitude of some posters on here is so negative and aggressive.

FWIW I also think it’s selfish when some women insist on breastfeeding to the detriment of their hungry and dehydrated baby because they want to be able to tell their NCT friends that they’re exclusively breastfeeding. But is that kind of parental selfishness more acceptable to the breastfeeding mafia?

Original poster
SummerRoseGardens · 20/07/2020 08:28

No NCT friends Hmm

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/07/2020 08:31

I've always thought men who have strong opinions on this are really weird. It never occurred to me to discuss this with dh. I think we both just assumed it was up to me to decide how our baby was fed .

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:32

That comment wasn’t directed at you at all Op, sorry if it came across that way! Just a general observation associated with a lot of the bf discussion that goes on here.

LaurieMarlow · 20/07/2020 08:32

FWIW I also think it’s selfish when some women insist on breastfeeding to the detriment of their hungry and dehydrated baby because they want to be able to tell their NCT friends that they’re exclusively breastfeeding. But is that kind of parental selfishness more acceptable to the breastfeeding mafia?

This has got absolutely nothing to do with the OP in question, why bring it up?

Rainycloudyday · 20/07/2020 08:34

@LaurieMarlow just making the point that the posters who harp on about selflessly doing what’s best for baby, are quite possibly also the same breastfeeding obsessed posters who discourage the mother of a hungry baby from giving it much needed formula. Probably a bit off topic though, admittedly, so I’ll pipe down now Smile

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