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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if baby’s dad should get to decide how she’s fed?

496 replies

SummerRoseGardens · 19/07/2020 14:31

In terms of infant feeding obviously.

Partner had said he’d rather I didn’t breastfeed, his reason is he wants to help with night time feeds. Which is nice but I really want to breastfeed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Welshmamma · 19/07/2020 22:32

I used to feed babies and daddy used to wind and change nappy in the night ..... one bottle of formula a day won't ruin your chances of BF if he wants to be involved. There is something special about feeding your baby so giving him a chance to experience that too can only be good for him and baby x

Yetiyoga · 19/07/2020 22:32

@Evelefteden how do you know if people are childless on this thread? How do you know if they are men? Would you trust a midwife who has never had children before? What about a doctor specialising in cancer who has never had cancer? How can they possibly know how it feels if they've never been through it.
I hate the statement that people can't have any opinion about children unless they've had one.
Ultimately the mum should decide how to feed her baby (unless it is to be harmful to the baby) but by coming on a forum and asking opinions, not everyone will have the same. And that is the whole point in asking isn't it? Otherwise what is the point in asking.

UsernameNotValid · 19/07/2020 22:32

@strawberrypip I understand that, choice is the absolute vital part here and it is the woman's choice in the end.

As I say, I just don't understand the posts that are spouting that he is obviously selfish and doesn't have his child best interests at heart when it's been made clear he thought he was being helpful and is just misinformed rather than being dismissive of the OP's choice.

I don't feel its fair to assume that he is somehow not as capable of putting his child's needs first or that he won't ever want to actually do a night feed because he happens to be biologically unable to produce milk - as said my DH did them all with FF #1 and was a bit miffed he was missing out on that with BF #2 because he loved having that peaceful time just the two of them in the night. Not all Dad's are lazy bastards.

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/07/2020 22:33

I did not say that it was the only way to bond with a baby. He has expressed a clear desire to bond with the baby via feeding.
It appears however that the father does not get to be part of the decision making process or have his needs heard or addressed. If you remove the father from the decision making process before the baby is even born about something as important as feeding then that in my opinion is very unreasonable Hmm

Onceuponatimethen · 19/07/2020 22:34

I wouldn’t be agreeing to one bottle of formula if you want to ebf. Some babies don’t take to being mix fed and I have known babies affected by what the bf counsellors call nipple confusion and refuse to bf after having a firmer bottle teat

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/07/2020 22:34

If OP does not wish to express however then that is her choice as it is her body however other options have been presented.

Onceuponatimethen · 19/07/2020 22:35

Some babies take to mix feeding like ducks to water and happily go between boob and bottle, but some really don’t

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/07/2020 22:37

Surprised at how many of you don’t seem able to discuss and come to a mutual agreement with your DH. Seems to be so much conflict. Surprised at how many of you think women shouldn't have a say over what happens to their bodies at the expense of their babies health.

MsSquiz · 19/07/2020 22:40

I combination fed DD from day 1, but the night feeds were always on the breast, as I never expressed. DH would snooze while I fed, then change her nappy or settle her back to sleep, so I could go straight to sleep after the feed.

Why is he so focused on the night feeds? He might feel differently when he has to get up to go to work everyday after being up doing the night feeds!

If you want to breast feed, then go for it. As you say, you might find that you do choose to express or the situation may arise where breastfeeding doesn't work out. But it is entirely up to you to give it a go

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2020 22:41

It appears however that the father does not get to be part of the decision making process or have his needs heard or addressed.

his needs? Are you taking the piss? What needs?

bluebluezoo · 19/07/2020 22:42

.. one bottle of formula a day won't ruin your chances of BF if he wants to be involved

It can. Babies can learn to prefer the easier bottle feeding, and replacing any feeds with formula will affect supply.

Some people can mixed feed. Many end up sliding into ff as their supply decreases and they need to give bigger top ups.

bluebluezoo · 19/07/2020 22:46

Other thing- does he know how long babies night feed for?

Does he realise he may be getting up for a bottle for the best part of a year?

I’m willing to bet if you give in and let him do his night feeds, he lasts 3 weeks max before you end up pissing around making up bottles every night.

PossiblyPFB · 19/07/2020 22:53

We had unexpected problems breastfeeding in the very early days, but persevered. I expressed throughout and DH was thus helping feed her. It was not part of our plan - like you I wanted to exclusively BF - we got there eventually but even then I kept expressing so he could help / she didn’t have to have formula if I wasn’t available. Eventually we combi-fed with formula when I returned to work and her volume needs increased. She took a bottle well having started it early. No challenges with bf in the end, she did both. All straightforward. I’d encourage you to go with the flow. Sounds like he wants to help and be involved which is lovely. My DH remembers it fondly as one of the best times of his life and a huge bonding time for the two of them Smile.

hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 23:14

Nipple confusion is a complete myth

HearingMyOwnVoice · 19/07/2020 23:18

There are loads of ways for him to bond with the baby that doesn't involve feeding.
It's 100% your choice but it's easier when you have the support of your partner. My Dh felt left out with our first two so I bought him a sling and got him to do skin to skin when they were small.

bluebluezoo · 19/07/2020 23:18

Nipple confusion is a complete myth

I’ve seen a few people say this, can you post some links please?

Even if nipple confusion is a myth, some babies do learn that bottles are easier, and prefer formula so it isn’t a myth that combi feeding may result in the baby refusing the breast...

Keha · 19/07/2020 23:19

I'm one of the minority opinions here, and therefore possibly a man or have no kids when actually I'm writing this breastfeeding my baby to sleep.

We had lots of problems with bf to start with and my baby is combi fed. We were both on the same page wanting baby to be breastfed if possible.

When we had to decide on giving formula top ups due to baby not gaining weight, we made that decision together. When we had to decide on whether to get a questionable tongue tie snipped to see if it helped, we made that decision together. When we were worried baby could have issues with reflux we talked to the GP together. When we were anxious about nipple confusion making breastfeeding difficult but worried about our baby not getting enough to eat, we decided what to do together. When we had to decide whether I coslept (as the only way to feasibly keep bf through the night with a non sleeping baby) or whether we did shifts awake with dad giving formula during his, we made that decision together. We'll decide together how to introduce solids. When I go back to work in a few months and Dad takes over full time it will be up to him to decide what baby eats and drinks most of the day. And I'm grateful that when I was struggling, couldn't see the wood for the trees and going down hill mentally, he stepped in and said for the good of both me and baby we should combination feed.

Perhaps I'm lucky that he educated himself, wants what's best for me and our child, and absolutely sees himself as equal partner (no getting fed up of night feeds after a couple of weeks). He's been my rock through this and am never going to tell him that he gets no say in this.

RaaRaaeee · 19/07/2020 23:21

I think in the end it's ultimately 'your choice' and he should support you. But lots of the responses seem very extreme to me. Sounds like he just wants to help you with night feeds as it's exhausting doing it all yourself- not sure why people want to paint him as some sort of evil controlling selfish bastard. Very odd. Sounds like he just made an assumption and mentioned it in passing, not that he is trying to coerce you to do something against your wishes.

Caplin · 19/07/2020 23:28

When you open a BF thread and it is 17 pages I’m gonna guess it got feisty!

It has probably been said, with both kids I would feed in the morning and express my spare boob. It meant H could take a night feed, which was required as DD1 was a freaking nightmare. And my nipples were ruined so I just couldn’t do it all the time. We introduced an occasional formula from about 3 moths (only once or twice a week). But you baby, your relationship, your choice.

Ginfordinner · 19/07/2020 23:36

Please can we put to bed the myth that feeding a baby is bonding

NO IT ISN'T

Parker231 · 19/07/2020 23:38

Bf and ff are a time for bonding.

Colom · 19/07/2020 23:59

I don't get the bonding thing either. I always found feeding mine a bit of a pain in the arse in the early months - breast or bottle! Definitely had zero impact on increasing our bond - actually had the opposite effect at times (both of mine had reflux/bad latches and were nightmares to feed)

Ginfordinner · 20/07/2020 00:02

Bf and ff are a time for bonding.

But is only one of many, many options. I didn't find BF particularly bonding. I didn't sit there gazing into DD's eyes. She took so long to feed that I watched TV or read while she was feeding.

UsernameNotValid · 20/07/2020 00:09

To be fair re bonding, it doesn't help that many websites (including the NHS) lists building an emotional bond as a reason to breastfeed.

If you've never had a baby or really been around them before that kind of language is emotive as you assume that must be how it's done.

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 00:54

@RoseTintedAtuin I actually think considering breastfeeding is not done by a large majority in this country the father should educate himself and praise the mother for wanting to do this rather than whining about what he wants. he can bond in other ways that arent detrimental to his partner and childs health.